Can my ex refuse to have our son to prevent me going on holiday?

[Mum1361]

My ex says he will not have our 2 year old for a week in September to allow me to take my older son to Disney world in Florida. When the trip was booked we were still together so it was going to be a family holiday. My older son was so excited and I didn’t want to let him down so I want to go alone with him. I don’t think I could manage him and the 2 year old on my own and I have no one who can come with me so I asked the ex if he would have our son to allow me to still go and he said no and that he will make sure I can’t go without the 2 year old as he thinks it’s not fair on our son. Can he do this? We have 50:50 parental responsibility. I don’t have anyone else who could have the two year old that week. My reasoning was that he’s too young to understand and can’t go on most rides anyway but I would take him on his own when he is old enough. Ex still says no and that I can’t go unless I take both kids. What am I to do?

In response to can he refuse then yes he can. There is nothing you can do to make a dead beat dad step up and parent his own child. It's shit but it's how it is. You also need his consent to take your eldest out of the country too.

Yes he can refuse, you can’t force him to look after the 2 year old. It’s not great but there is nothing you can do legally.

Yes he can, and it woukd be unreasonable to have your 2yo with anyone who doesn't want him.

Maybe see if you can find someone who could join you to look after the 2yo. You had a place booked for the ex after all so that money is spent. Teenagers who are doing qualifications in childcare need to log hours of experience as part of their qualifications, I bet you could find someone appropriate from your nearest college who would provide free childcare in exchange for a free trip to Disney.

The OP says they have 50:50 care - doesn't sound like he is a deadbeat dad. A controlling jerk, maybe.

It's also unclear that the OP's elder son is also her ex's son (assumed but not confirmed), so her ex's consent to take him might not be relevant (and might be influencing his thoughts - feeling that his son is not getting as much as her other son).

Either way, OP, you cannot force him to have his son so that you can take your other son to holiday. It does stink. I understand your logic for wanting to do it.

Of course he can do this, just as he can’t force you to care for your son on certain dates.

Take someone with you. And don’t tell your ex that’s the plan so he can’t sabotage it. You’ll easily find someone willing to go on a free holiday to Florida!

Unfortunately, yes he can. He can just not turn up to pick the 2 year old up that week and there’s absolutely nothing you could do. I’m sorry OP it is shit.

Unfortunately you can’t force him to have your dc. My ex was like this and I had a similar situation. Thankfully a grandparent stepped in and looked after my youngest. Is this something available for you?

Your ex is being very short sighted, he’ll damage the coparenting relationship and you are also within your rights to refuse to help if he ever needs to move contact around.

If this looks like it’ll be a regular thing (him using the dc to control what you do), go via the courts and have a schedule out in place.

Do you have your dc one week on, one week off or is it certain times in the week?

Yes he can do this and as others have said you need his permission to take the older one abroad if there is no court order already in place.

Why is he so against the idea ? I think the issue isn’t simply about it being unfair on your son. This is an expensive holiday which was funded from family money. Now one of you is going with one child and two are being left behind. I am guessing at some inconvenience to him. Is the older child being taken out of school as well?

What discussion did you have with him about the holiday before presenting this request? I would have expected there to be a discussion about the situation and a joint decision made about how the holiday could proceed. If I was presented with a decision made and a request that I facilitate it I wouldn’t be happy.

The holiday was funded solely by me, he barely used to contribute even to household bills let alone to holidays. And my older son is not his child so he has no parental responsibility for him. In previous conversations he said he wanted to come as coparents and we were amicable at that time so that seemed a viable option but when he takes against me he starts saying he’s not going come and I won’t be able to go alone unless I take both kids. I am sick of his threats and feel he is using the holiday to control me. He has 50% parental responsibility but he does not have his son 50% of the time nor does he pay any maintenance

Does he have the ability to look after a two year old for that time?

Does he need to work and would he have childcare when he is working?

Did he book the time off work to go on holiday then cancel it when you split up?

Decisions like this set a trend though that ultimately will come back on him, it has on my ex, they spend less time with the kids and relationship between them is not as strong as it could be and will get worse in the future

I’m betting if you did find a willing volunteer to go with you he will refuse to give permission for his DC to be taken out of the country.
I think you are either going to have to work really hard to arrange for your youngest to stay with someone, or seriously look at cancelling your trip and disappointing your eldest.
Sorry op.
It baffles me why some men are such shits and don’t care if they affect kids, all just to make their ex suffer.

can Your mum look after the 2 year old?

Being devils advocate, I’d be very unhappy if dh wanted to take a dc on holiday and leave one behind so I don’t think he is being outrageous to hold that view. I appreciate it looks like I’m alone in my view from the other comments but I took dd1 when she was 7 and dtds were 3. It’s what happens when you have more than one dc.

You cant force him to have his child even if you have 50:50. 50:50 really means you have to make your child available to your ex 50% of the time. They can choose not to take that 50% as wrong as it is...that is the reality.

I get your reasoning for not taking your youngest. If you take the 2 year old, they most probably wont be able to go on the rides your older child wants to. The older child probably (I cant see an age) can't go on some rides on his own so all three of you are stuck not being able to go on any rides.

The only options are:

1. have someone else look after your younger child at home (your ex can not tell you who can look after your child on your time) and make your child available to you ex on 'his' time.
2. take someone with you to look after your youngest but you risk issues around your ex not agreeing for you to take your younger child.

I did take my ds2, dd11 to Euro Disney he remembers Spider-Man . It was hard and obviously he couldn't go on rides. Tough one can't you leave him with your mum?

He can't stop you going alone with your older son but he can refuse to have the 2yr old. Is there really no-one who will mind the toddler while you're away?

Also, why aren't you claiming maintenance if he's not having the toddler 50% of the time? Get CSA to deduct straight from his wages if necessary.

Tbh I would try and grt someone to go with you but don't tell your ex that. Just say you've decided to take younger DC - get written permission from him (do this now as if he refuses you may need to go to court for it). Once you have that put in a CMS claim as 5050 responsibility is different to living with him 5050. If he's not living with him 50% of the time than you can claim CMS but he will still have 5050 parental responsibility for him no matter who is living with

If you can change the ticket I'd look for an au pair to accompany you there on a break. All you really need is a spare pair of hands and could probably arrange for them to have quite a bit of time off and certainly can have the evenings off.
A day "mothers helper" in Florida might also be an option? Your hotel might be able to help?

It's an awfully expensive holiday to write off so if you have a passport for the 2yo I wouldn't say any more about it and just find a way to make it work. FF him !

Can you look at who else would look after the 2yo? Or at least threaten to. If your mum for example said she would take 2yo you can go back to him and say I'm going with older child so you can either watch the 2yo yourself or my mum will, your choice.

Yep, plenty of people would jump at this trip. Just say ok then, and don’t mention the trip again and quietly find someone who will look after the toddler/ride with the older kid etc in return for a free trip.

Also, claim CSA

You will need to see if you can get someone to come along

All of the above plus a spreadsheet of his days/nights missed and please tell me your getting these conversations in writing? If not get it in writing even if it's a confirmation email so you can evidence to a court why you need what you need

If he’s not seeing the child 50% of the time then you should claim CM.

He’s not required to have ds because it would be more convenient for you. Imagine how many abusers would try that in order to get their ex sacked. (I’m not saying that you are an abuser btw- I am saying that an abuser would take advantage )

Im sorry that you don’t have anyone else who could have ds.

I’d be taking him to chid support if he’s not paying maintenance!!