100% Custody- do I do more?

[onthebrink23]

Hi all, I divorced last year. He went travelling for 6 months. I have 100% of all3 children (and work FT). He’s now back & saying I have to share drop offs & pick ups, too. Do I? He just texts & says he wants to see them, maybe once on the weekend/ every few weeks/ when he wants. Where do I stand?

Is there any formal agreement in place?

Time to get a contact agreement in place and child maintenance payment set up I should think. Where’s the confusion?

He seems deluded does he think your still his wife?

He has right to access yes and more importantly your children have a right to have a relationship with their dad.

You need to agree between you what that looks like as he can’t expect you just dictate when he’s coming by. If you don’t he can go to court and it will be awarded outside your control

You need to tell him that you need a formal agreement. A mediation session may be advisable though you may be able to sort it out between you. You need to allow him access but no need to be dropping them outside of your area unless you have relocated. Coming up with a mutually agreed plan is all around the best idea rather than squabbling over it as all solicitors will do is eat through money, but do get the agreement formally agreed by the court once you have negotiated it.

Mediation is needed but in the meantime you need to reflect on what your concerns are so they can be articulated. In your position I would be worried about children’s response after a long period of absence and also about how committed and consistent he is going to be.

However you need to be realistic if he wants a relationship with his children he will be able to achieve that either through court or direct contact. You don’t want to be seen as the obstacle to that by the court or by them. It is better to be positive about this but cautious. And to establish a routine rather than random and fickle arrangements.

It is going to be really important that neither if you disparage each other to them. Which becomes more and more of likelihood if you are fighting over access. There shouldn’t be a need.

I’d txt him so you have it written down that

‘I would love for you to see the children, but they are really settled so it’s not great picking and choosing when you want them. How about you taking them out every Sunday afternoon to start with? You can pick them up at 11?”

This will show your willingness for the kids to have a relationship with their Dad but a clear set day to show you have the children’s best interest at heart. When he kicks off saying this isn’t enough or whatever the courts will see you have tried to be amicable whilst keeping kids happy.

What does "he wants to share drop offs and pick ups" mean? Do you mean when he has them he wants you to bring them to him/fetch them 50% of the time? That's annoying, but I think fairly standard? If he's moved further away or wahtever, you've probably got a stronger case to say that he must make the effort to travel.

More importantly, if he wants contact, it should be agreed bewteen you. If you can't agree between you, you go to mediation. If that doesn't work, you go to court.

Starting point for me would be that contact is more formalized and that no, you dn't have to make yourself and the DC available at short notice just because he feels like seeing them that day. So it might well be that if you agree every second Saturday, you agree you'll drop them at his in the morning and he drops them back at yours in the afternoon, but you don't have to rush around organising pick ups on a Sunday becuase he texted you that day. In an amicable relationship, it would be good if he could call you and say he thought he'd take the DC to the beach if they're free, and you could say, "great, no problem - they're all just waking up so will be ready in an hour" bt you don't have to do that if you don't want to and he doesn't have the right to insist.

Don't offer every weekend or it becomes the norm and you have no uninterrupted weekends with your kids.

Offer Saturday afternoon every other weekend to progress to whole day Saturday and then staying Saturday night and then also every Wednesday teatime after school he can come and take them out.

If he wants a different schedule you can tell him to set out his proposal for you

I did not agree to share drop offs - he left and moved away, not me, and I ferry our child around 12 days a fortnight he can do it for 2 as far as I'm concerned plus they get more time together chatting in the car

as per @Unexpectedlysinglemum I have always understood that the NRP does all the picking up and dropping off for time with the kids because the resident parent does all the driving around for everything else, all week. That's the basis I work on, unless I'm feeling particularly helpful/am out that way anyway in which case I offer to drop the DC off or pick them up. The latter can also be helpful in making sure they're back at the time you're expecting them to be...

But yep get it all written down and sort out the whole year in advance if possible, so everyone knows what's happening when and there are no last minute changes of mind or claims to the kids' time when you've already got something planned, days out or holidays in particular - my ex is a complete arse for wanting to change things at the last minute, and I have learned to stick very closely to the agreed arrangements; if he doesn't want to, then he just forfeits that time with them rather than me then messing up my time with them trying to accommodate him.

God what a selfish man! Why is it so many men feel like they can just opt in and out as when it suits them and expect mums to just do everything around that?!

id be tempted to say ‘yes pick them up on 1 July to give me time to get my plans sorted; then I’ll be travelling for 6 months and happy to discuss further arrangements once I’m back!’

I know most mums couldn’t and wouldn’t do that but also….. how many feel they can?!

You’re all amazing!
He does pay maintenance luckily. Does not have anywhere to live yet. (Parents’). Yes I feel I do 100% of everything, he could do the 25 mins each way- for now at least. But yes, once he has a permanent base, I think I’ll have to put in a formal arrangement. I resent it as paid for the whole divorce out of my inheritance (all spent now) & he just does what he wants. But I wouldn’t want less than 100% & I do want them to have a relationship. I just don’t want to be dictated to or do more for him- I’ve done my 20 years. I just wanted to know the norm/ what was reasonable. Thank you x

What do you mean by you wouldn’t want Jess than 100%

i don’t think you’d be expected to share drop offs and pick ups for just a 25 min trip especially when there’s no pattern or much notice. How old are dc? Maybe suggest he pays for taxi if he doesn’t want drive and they are old enough. As soon as dc are old enough to organise own contact tell him to contact them direct.

If he wants to co parent and he can show he is able (which isn’t hard) he will get it. You can’t insist on 100% of the children’s time. And you shouldn’t want to. You are really going to have to come to terms with this. Otherwise he can rightly claim you are obstructive.

Dont use the phase picking and choosing when he has them. Just ask him to confirm what he wants and what the routine will be.

@LemonTT he never once asked for custody or a routine, nothing. He went abroad for 6 months & called them twice. I made sure he had Xmas gifts from them before he left- he didn’t even give them a card. He told them he had no WiFi yet posted constantly on social media. He didn’t tell them when he was back in the UK & took 2 weeks to see them, despite many people texting saying he was wandering around our home town. He texts & asks to see them on the weekend every now & then. He’s definitely picking & choosing. I have not once said no. I want them to see him. I’d love a routine. I’d love a night off now & then. I took them to him Father’s Day. I’ve not told them he lied about WiFi or was back 2 weeks. Or the other awful stuff he’s done. I can’t wait for him to wake up & miss them & realise they are a priority… over a year since we moved out & I still live in hope. Please don’t tell me what phrase to use.

@millymollymoomoo I mean as he isn’t working, has no home, has severe mental health issues & rarely bothers with them, I would fight if he suddenly decided he wanted to share custody. I don’t mean not see them/ have them to stay when he has a place/ maybe take on holiday etc, but would you want your children going to this uncertainty? Him never asking for custody (just the 43% of the house) suited me fine.

I’m not clear what you mean by sharing custody, and the courts don’t use that terminology now. You say you want 100% but then talk about them possibly spending some time with him. I would suggest you go to mediation to see if you can thrash out a plan for regular time, but you can’t force him to see them unfortunately- you can however be clear that he can’t just pick and choose and let them down, and that he needs to be reliable and consistent.

in terms of travel, I have a lot of sympathy for the view that the resident parent does all the rest of the running around, but in practice courts tend to like parents to share the travel as it sends a message to the children that their parents are working together. However, if he’s chosen to move further away you might have more of an argument to expect him to take on the bulk.

I don’t k own what you mean by sharing custody. He’ll get visitation like eow or something if he peruses and overnights etc

Offer up times that suit dc... Have them ready for collection..
End of chat.

I told my ex that as they did far less than 15% custody, I would not be sharing the travelling. And left it at that.

Offer nothing unless it's court ordered, you are already busy enough by the sounds of it. I was divorced from a fool like this. If you give in the piss taking never ends.

How’s he paying maintenance if he isn’t working? How did he afford to travel?