Am I going mad?!

[IdRatherBeTalkingTudors]

Fellow mums, please help me, I’m going slightly mad here and I don’t know what to do.

my husband has been divorced for 5 years, we’ve been married for 3 and together for 4. We have two year old twins. My husband has two older kids with his ex wife who are with us 50% of the time - we all have a great relationship and they love their little brother and sister.

The problem is that despite being divorced for 5 years, my husband and his ex still don’t have a financial settlement. For the past 7 years since they separated he’s been paying all of her living costs (as well as child maintenance) and as she has refused to leave their former family home, my husband still pays the mortgage every month. She hasn’t worked since she was 3 months pregnant with their first child, who is now 13, and refuses to work. She says she cannot work until their youngest child (who is 11) has finished full time education at age 18.

I took 6 months of mat leave with my twins and then had to go back to work. I work full time, in order to pay our rent. My husband is broke because of all the money he gives her. We can’t buy a house because my husband can’t be on a mortgage and all of his money is tied up in the house she won’t leave.

In the past 5 years we have lived in 4 different rental houses, including places covered with mould.

Everytime they get close to agreeing a settlement she will introduce some new thing, or change the goal posts in some way, so that the deal never gets done. Whenever he tries to be more forceful with her, she threatens to take the children and move to another country with them.

There are times that this gets me into such a state that I think about killing myself. I’ve been to the doctors and I have antidepressants. I don’t know what to do. I feel like my life, and the life of my twins, is being ruined 😭

has anyone been stuck in a similar situation! If so how did you get out of it??

Has he got a CAO for child contact and has he got a prohibitive steps order to prevent her from taking them abroad due to her threats to move abroad with them.

Why hasn’t he just gone via the courts to state that mediation has failed?

Gently, why did you agree to get married while he was still financially tied in this way to his ex wife? It’s not like you didn’t know. The ideal situation would have been to have sorted that before marriage. Out of curiosity, were you an affair partner? If so, he might feel guilty and that is why he’s continued to pay.

Unless you’re prepared to leave him, I don’t know what you can do though. It’s pretty much the only thing you can threaten to try to force him to get this to court and get something agreed (because I presume that it must happen a lot where one person won’t agree, so a judge will sign off on an order in those circumstances). So your husband is allowing this situation to carry on. Ask yourself why.

Hi, no I wasn’t an affair partner. My husband left his ex after many years of domestic abuse. His sister and mum helped him get out. I met him almost two years later.

You have a husband problem! The way to deal with this is to issue proceedings in the family court. I'm sure she's difficult and makes threats but if he's had regular contact for years then a court will see sudden changes for what they are.

He needs to instruct mediators and then issue. Then she can't keep changing things. A court will not say that she doesn't have to work!

Well he should be pushing for a settlement that releases him
from this! He can push it to court if she doesn’t agree.
and I honestly don’t know why you married while it was not resolved

There really needs to be a Financial Order in place - until there is, there are still huge links between the ex-couple. I’m sure his ex is very happy about this situation but you’ll need to ask him to sort it out - for your marriages sake. It’ll all need to go to court of course. I’m surprised you got married to him with that still outstanding - but these things happen and importantly it Can be resolved now. Sounds like she’ll be difficult but better to be legal and sorted. She’ll be told to go to work, I’m sure. Good luck, it’ll be better once all legally clarified x

If he’s been in an abusive marriage and is still struggling to extricate himself it sounds like he’s still very much under her control. I would suggest he has some counselling to help him thorough the trauma, and to give him some perspective on how is behaviour is still contributing to this situation and keeping him stuck.

Then I’d make sure he’s got a good solicitor to push things through and get a prohibitive steps order so she can’t take the kids abroad.

Also think about how you’re enabling the situation - what might you do to make it more difficult for him to put up with this? I.e why is he paying her living costs? Why can’t he just stop doing that? And if he won’t, stop making financial contributions yourself.

The domestic abuse information would have been useful in your OP. The poor guy is still under her control and is clearly struggling. I agree with a PP that counselling is needed to help him.