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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Co-parenting

13 replies

poppymolly · 14/06/2025 16:29

Original post was ‘Lost’.
Husband left 8 weeks ago, 2 weeks later he was with a colleague from work and still is.
Anyways, we have an 14 and 9 year old. They are with me and dad sees them on a Saturday for a few hours. He also takes my son to school 3 days a week.

My son wanted dad to help him build a Lego model so he came over to our house, played with him and we had a coffee. It is all very friendly and felt like old times but then the conversation always turns to the other woman and I want to ask loads of questions, even though I know it will hurt me. I asked if this woman (10 years younger than me) made him happy and he indicated that she did. That hurt. I seem to like hurting myself!

I don’t miss him, but of course I’m sad that we are a broken family. I feel like seeing him sets me back and I start to think about things again. I try so hard not to contact him except when it is to do with the kids. I don’t know how to go about this. Perhaps him being in our family home is too much? How do other people deal with this when they have children?

OP posts:

zepherfan · 14/06/2025 16:31

Ask him to start seeing the kids elsewhere on his time with them. He could either take them out of back to wherever he’s living now as long as it’s not an unsuitable environment.

Niceduck · 14/06/2025 16:34

Yes I recall your thread

You were spending all the time crying and had been for weeks, and posters were trying to gently explain to you that this would be an awful environment for your children and you needed to realise how awful ex is, and how you needed to…. Well, put a brave face on it a bit for the children’s sake

Original poster

poppymolly · 14/06/2025 16:35

zepherfan · 14/06/2025 16:31

Ask him to start seeing the kids elsewhere on his time with them. He could either take them out of back to wherever he’s living now as long as it’s not an unsuitable environment.

He does usually, but I think on this occasions it was only because of the Lego building. Tbh when he’s here, we’ll talk about things that he wouldn’t mention to her, like money, health, family etc, and as much as I enjoy the chats, I feel like it’s also a bit strange that he went off with someone else, left his wife and children, yet I’m sitting here listening to his worries! Then he gets the ‘happy’ bit with her! I think I need MUG tattooed on my head.

OP posts:

Niceduck · 14/06/2025 16:37

and the marriage had sounded pretty crap for a a fair bit time of time before, you said the house had been toxic for ages before he left. You want a return of that?

Meadowfinch · 14/06/2025 16:38

I try to keep communication to texts or emails except in an emergency. It's easier to maintain a calm professional distance. Also useful when ex tries to rewrite history which he does, frequently.

If my ex comes to my house, which he does sometimes as ds' guest, I go elsewhere, mow the lawn, wash the car etc and ensure I spend no time in conversation. He is there to see DS, not me.

It is important to develop a detachment because there is an 80% chance that he will try to come back at some point in the future, "it was all a mistake", "he realises he still loves you" etc because suddenly the shiny new lady doesn't want him anymore.

I have no desire to know about the new woman. She wants to be 'friends'. Err, no thanks.

I deal with my ex as if he were a customer. Polite and efficient but impersonal. and that works for me.

Original poster

poppymolly · 14/06/2025 16:48

Niceduck · 14/06/2025 16:37

and the marriage had sounded pretty crap for a a fair bit time of time before, you said the house had been toxic for ages before he left. You want a return of that?

Nothing will change. I don’t miss him and I would never have him back after what he has done to our family. I doubt he’d ever want to anyway. He seems happy with her and after turning my life upside down, he’d never have the nerve to say he’d made a mistake. He has made it clear that he doesn’t love me.

The house was toxic. He only sees the kids for 4 hours on a Saturday and he’s still so angry! No patience with them at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

poppymolly · 14/06/2025 16:51

Meadowfinch · 14/06/2025 16:38

I try to keep communication to texts or emails except in an emergency. It's easier to maintain a calm professional distance. Also useful when ex tries to rewrite history which he does, frequently.

If my ex comes to my house, which he does sometimes as ds' guest, I go elsewhere, mow the lawn, wash the car etc and ensure I spend no time in conversation. He is there to see DS, not me.

I have no desire to know about the new woman. She wants to be 'friends'. Err, no thanks.

I deal with my ex as if he were a customer. Polite and efficient but impersonal. and that works for me.

I did try to keep myself busy while he was first here. Collected the shopping, popped to the shops etc.
Usually, he collects the kids and goes out so I doubt this will be a regular thing. It’s always me that starts the convo on his new woman and I have no idea why I do it to myself! I don’t want to hear that he’s happy with someone else. It hurts.

OP posts:

Original poster

poppymolly · 14/06/2025 16:52

zepherfan · 14/06/2025 16:31

Ask him to start seeing the kids elsewhere on his time with them. He could either take them out of back to wherever he’s living now as long as it’s not an unsuitable environment.

He does usually take them out so this should only be a one off hopefully. I like him being here, but at the same time I don’t! Does that even make any sense?!

OP posts:

Spirallingdownwards · 14/06/2025 16:56

It's time to have a proper contact arrangement which includes him having them overnight perhaps every other weekend. I suspect his new relationship will be less shiny then!

zepherfan · 14/06/2025 16:57

At some point I’m sure you’ll meet someone fun yourself and then the shoe will be on the other foot!
‘Reframe your ex’s new relationship not as him rejecting you and choosing her over you but more as all the things about him that you really didn’t want to put up with anymore are now her problem not yours! Then stop asking questions you don’t want the answers to. Keep a question about a neutral topic in your head to redirect the conversation if you slip up again - like ‘so how’s your mum?´ or ´ did child tell you he got a good mark in his exam/has decided to join the school juggling team/ has a scouts disco night next week’.

Original poster

poppymolly · 14/06/2025 17:02

Thank you @zepherfan, great advice. I definitely need to stick to other topics x

OP posts:

Original poster

poppymolly · 14/06/2025 20:13

@Spirallingdownwards
Trouble is, he’s staying in a room at a friend’s house, which isn’t ideal for sleepovers. My son has had a sleepover before but only once. He should definitely be having them for more than 4 hours a week! He tried telling me that I’m at work so don’t have them all day every day. I explained that whether I’m at work or not I am always in mum mode 24/7! I don’t get a break.

He tells me he doesn’t know what to do with the kids when he has them or he doesn’t have the money for day trips, which I know is true. However, if he just used his imagination, I’m sure he’d think of something. When he is with them, my teen daughter usually comes back crying!

He keeps telling me that he doesn’t see this girl as much as I think, maybe once or twice a week. I told him to stop playing it down but apparently it’s the truth. Either way, I don’t care.

OP posts:

Spirallingdownwards · 14/06/2025 23:07

Please tell me he is paying maintenance at the very least

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