Settlement offer from high earning stbx

[Twinklestar80]

I’m a stay at home parent with a 5yr old and 19month old. We are in the process of divorcing and my wife is a high earner with £200k per year. My income when working full time was £35k. She has in excess of £2million inheritance assets in the US (where she’s from) and we have £350k equity in our £1.1m house and circa £50k savings.

We’re in mediation at the moment and I’ve asked for £700k to house myself and the children as I will have them 5 days per week (we live in London and average price of semi in 2024 was £670k.) I have paid for a mortgage capacity report and there is only one lender willing to consider me but even then, the monthly payments are far to high and I wouldn’t be able to cover them along with all the other bills.

My soon to be ex has offered £450k and expects me to top up to £600k (she thinks that’s a reasonable house price in the area) with a mortgage. She wants to stay in the £1.1m family home as she doesn’t think she should have to ‘downgrade’ to a £600k house. I have no income and haven’t worked for five years. I’m hoping to retrain in the next couple of years as a teacher and take a marketing job in the meantime but even then, only one lender is willing to give me a mortgage and the payments are still too high.

I’ve got a solicitor who is offering adhoc advice but I’m dreading our next mediation session as my wife just doesn’t believe my lack of mortgage capacity and expects me to live on universal credit. Her attitude is that because I called time on the relationship, I should have to live with the consequences. That would be fine, if we didn’t have two young children. We’re also still living together as she refuses to move out and I can’t afford it . I am feeling totally stuck and pressured into this offer.

@Cerialkiller my view would be the same regardless of sex.

asking for inheritance assets that have never been part of the marital pot to be split on divorce is grossly unfair.

the OPs wife has offered in excess of the entirety of their marital assets, which disregarding the inheritance is generous and reflects that her future earnings are being used to offset OPs current lack of earning ability.

if you are required to financially support an ex and ensure their life is in parity with yours forever, as you say what is the point of marriage?

1. relevant
2. not relevant
3. partially relevant- if blood related. Who carried less relevant as it looks like the decision was based on salary rather than who carried.

You have sacrificed YOUR career for HER gain. 50/50 should be the BARE MINIMUM.

Unfortunately, as MN believes you to be a man they will be unable to give impartial advice. To see real advice, I suggest you go read other threads on the topic. Stay strong.

The best thing I ever did regarding my financial settlement with my ex husband was to consult a direct access barrister about the likely outcome should it go before a judge. Barristers are at the coal face of financial settlements and are much more knowledgeable than a solicitor in my opinion. I represented myself in court to save on costs.

Mediation is okay if you have an idea of what you can expect in court. Without that you are negotiating in the dark. Your case needs to consider which assets will be included ie overseas property, pensions etc, the length of marriage and if you need maintenance to ease you back to work and for how long. I was able to raise a mortgage with my spousal maintenance (high earning ex).

Don't be railroaded into a settlement without advice.It could be very costly for your future.

Just to add financial settlements are based on need. 50/50, morality about inheritances etc. etc. doesn't come into it, especially where children are involved.

Do we know that OP sacrificed their career? They were earning £35,000 five years ago. We don't know how old OP is, nor what their career was. We know OP is hoping to retrain as a teacher. Would somebody on a trajectory for high earnings retrain as a teacher? I can't imagine somebody would retrain in a stressful career that pays less than their previous earning potential.

You couldn't pay me any sensible amount to not only train as a teacher but then actually be a teacher while looking after two small children full-time. OP must view a teacher's salary as worth it. Hopefully OP can clarify some details about their situation when/if they return.

The equity is £350k savings £50k so £400k in total….. ex is offering £450k
but you think 50/50 is fair, so they should get £200k??

It’s also unfair to suggest MN think Op is a man. There’s one comment possibly two suggesting op is male

To clarify, I am a woman in a same sex marriage. Who carried our children and who they are biologically linked to is irrelevant as they were conceived through an ivf clinic so we are both their parents.

To say that I want to sustain the lifestyle I have been living during our 12 years together is to assume I had access to copious funds and lived the lap of luxury. I had no access to bank accounts and was given just enough to pay the family bills. The house has had no maintenance since we’ve been here and the plumbing all needs to be replaced and when it rains, water pours down the inside of the conservatory walls. My only interest is our children and ensuring that while they won’t be able to go on holiday every year or have as many Christmas presents, they can live in a decent home.

Regarding my mortgage capacity, I’m not unwilling to get a mortgage. Far from it. If I could afford one, I would totally do it for financial independence but no one will lend to me. Could we live in a two bedroom flat? Yes we could and many people do but I’m pretty sure if we went to court, a family judge wouldn’t think that was reasonable and not in the kids best interests. I will receive CM of around £1500 per month and even less if my spouse pushes for 50/50, which she’s openly admitted to wanting to pursue to restrict my finances. I’m absolutely not against them living with her more but her unpredictable work schedule would make it untenable at the moment.

I understand a lot of the comments people are making as you don’t have the full context to my story but this is about the children and meeting their needs. I’m conscious that I’ve made the decision to end the marriage but I’ve not cheated or been abusive, I just woke up one day after years of trying to make it work with a very controlling spouse that it was time to put myself and our children first.

Is there any reason you can’t get a job? You clearly have qualifications and experience, even if you haven’t worked for a few years.

Why would the judge look unfavorably on a 2 bed flat? What’s wrong with that option?

You are right - this is all about the children and their needs (regardless of all the weird comments about who actually gave birth to them). A bunch of people online can’t answer your questions - every situation is completely different. Go and see a specialist family lawyer who can advise you appropriately.
In my limited experience it’s all about needs, in my opinion it’s all about negotiation and compromise AND the very best thing you (and your wife) can do for your shared children is be fair and respectful to each other.

You’re getting divorced in the UK. Her US assets - which I hope you have some record of - are deemed in the pot.

She can say what she wants but you are under no obligation to agree and you can insist on taking the matter to court to do form Es, go through court process, and take your full 50%… there’s your negotiating position… she gives you what you want now or you go through court to get the full 50% (and buy yourself a bigger house outright)

OP…. You shouldn’t end up with any mortgage at all!!

@Twinklestar80

Few points. And I do think you need to talk to a barrister to really understand your situation and be realistic.

… A lot will depend on whether the court would consider yours a ‘long marriage’ - if you cohabited all 12 years, or at least 10+ - then your claim on her international assets will be stronger, even if they were pre-marital

…Child maintenance. She makes above CMS maximum threshold - (which is about £150k) - so it doesn’t matter if she has kids 50/50 - the Court will ‘top-up’ maintenance - you’ll need to apply under Schedule 1 Children Act 1989. Your solicitor should have explained this.

…. Court will NOT consider living in a flat as not meeting children’s needs. As long as kids have their own rooms - their needs are considered met. You need to adjust your expectations on this one - you don’t NEED a house.
You want a house, i get it. But, your life will be less stressful, and you’ll have more disposable income in a flat (a cheaper property) - and having a less stressed mom would be better for your kids. And you may be able to do more with them and go on holidays.

This thread should be a warning to anyone with high wealth and earnings to get married in the UK.
There is no way in 100 years OP would have saved 700k or 450k working in her job, yet she is not happy with the handout the system already gives her.

Gosh it’s hard to see £450k cash and £1500 a month cm as being stuck and pressured. Get a job and a £150k mortgage is an amazing start to single parenthood. Negotiate higher cm to cover nursery fees to tide you over till the 18m old starts school.

What about pensions? They will be considered in the pot. Not sure why you haven’t mentioned those as no one can give any advice without knowing that

Your first statement is absolutely untrue.

The obvious answer is to move further away where housing is cheaper. As a sahp there’s no need to be in an expensive area. So look further afield and the money works out.

The solicitor doesn’t sound great. Certainly the pension should be in the pot. The ex has far greater capacity to move on with her life than op does in terms of money and earnings but op should expect to work as 30 hours kicks in. A mortgage is difficult based on ex giving money as it’s not earned by op. Therefore better option is to move to a cheaper area as no requirement to stay for work. In fact a teaching salary goes much further in cheaper areas!

I understand a lot of the comments people are making as you don’t have the full context to my story but this is about the children and meeting their needs

If you want people to make considered comments, then you need to share the relevant details. You have 2 dc, they can share a bedroom and if different sexes, can share up to a certain age anyway

I wouldn't retrain as a teacher, I would retrain in something that you can earn decently.
Speech and language therapy, accountancy, lots of jobs you could fit around the kids but pay better

You could also get a three bed shared ownership, buy a portion outright and universal credit could cover the rest of the rent

@Lovethesparklylights service charge on those kind of flats is about £400 a month in London

Speech and language therapists working for nhs don’t earn that much. Teaching is not badly paid and has better holidays. Longer hours in term time though.

Exactly! Never understand the sahp who's NEVER had a career earning anywhere near high earning, insisting their careers been curtailed by choosing not to work till youngest is 27...

@CaptainFuture Do you think the only contribution to a family is money earned? I gave up a decent career because DH ran a successful business and earned 10 times more than me. The business also mattered because it employed over 100 people and they mattered.

However, apart from mowing the grass, and a bit of DIY, I did more or less everything else. My earnings and pension were compromised by taking this decision. I found working and doing everything else a thankless task so decided it wasn’t worth it and concentrated on dc and home - but I bloody worked hard! I had also worked for 22 years before giving up. Yes I did earn my 50% had we split up. Highly paid people rarely do much else besides work. Who supports them? People like me but we work hard too.