If you left a long marriage with kids what was it like?

[TheLoftyCoralGoose]

H and I have been together 11 years, married for 8 with 2 young DCs. We got together when I was 19 so have spent our whole adult lives together. I don't know what life is like without him.

I found out almost a year ago that H was having an affair. It was a particularly bad one - physical and emotional with someone I considered to be a friend, ongoing for several years including while I was pregnant. I found out when I was 3 months postpartum, right at the peak of postpartum depression, and it completely destroyed me, took me about 6 months to stop crying every day.

Nearly a year on and we're still living together, I've asked him to leave several times and he refuses, saying he won't give up on our family and our relationship and he wants us to keep trying (quite ironic really). I really want to leave him but I don't know how, 90% of my wages go on mortgage and childcare (South East so expensive area). I'm saving everything I can but realistically it'll be another year before I could afford the deposit to rent somewhere, let alone money to buy new furniture etc.

We're in this horrible cycle where I tell him it's over and ask him to leave, he refuses and says he wants to keep trying, a few weeks go by of him being 'good' helping out with housework and getting involved with the kids more, then he'll cross some kind of boundary (like asking me for a hug or commenting on my body) and the cycle starts again. It's really affecting my mental health and I can't keep living like this, I'm so anxious all the time, I feel really unwell like my brain is going to explode with the pressure of processing everything that's happened and trying to work out how I can leave whilst also living in this horrible half-life that used to be my home. I'm so broken and sad.

I'm trying desperately for this not to affect my children, my eldest starts school in September and I'm so worried about all the change coming up for him. I'm really afraid of the unknowns, what it will be like living on my own, how I'll cope as a single parent and how I'll survive not seeing my children half the time, how it will affect the children in the long term. Also very conscious it'd be better to separate while they're young so it feels like a ticking clock. Like I can't enjoy my children's childhood because it's constantly overshadowed by this horrible decision I need to make. Stupidly I'm also worried about H, I think he'll fall apart completely if I leave.

The worst part is no one knows this is happening, so at times it feels like it's all in my head. Like I could just forget about it and it wouldn't be real. My family aren't particularly supportive, I've got a few friends but not close enough that I feel I could talk to them about this. I'm on the waiting list for NHS therapy but expecting it to be a long wait. I did some counselling when I first found out but ran out of money so had to stop. I could just about afford it now but then wouldn't be able to save any money towards leaving. I'm so scared to do it all on my own, I don't think I'm strong enough.

What do I do? I feel so stuck. If anyone out there has been through something like this, can you tell me what it was like and how
you got out?

How do you plan to live after a split? What are your assumptions and expectations? Ie will you have the children most of the time, will your salary stretch to buying a home, renting a flat; will you stay in the area you are currently in and why?

Why should he go?

Why do you need to save up to afford to split? Do you have joint savings? Do you have equity in the home?

Bless you, I feel for you. This is a horrible situation to find yourself in. It sounds like it’s very much over for you, and not for him. Have I got that right?

I wouldn’t blame you. How he treated you at your most vulnerable times in life is nothing short of cruel. It’s the double betrayal of having been unfaithful with someone you considered to be a friend as well. I’m sorry you have gone through this.

You do have options:

• Have you considered couples or marriage counselling if you do want to stay in the relationship?
• Do you have equity in the home or joint savings?
• can you move in with family or friends temporarily?
• Are you planning to rent when you move out, or buy your own home?
• Hang in there and continue saving until you have enough money behind you to leave and rent somewhere.
• Be prepared for this to go through family court re custody of children and child arrangements

Take your time with this decision as it’s a really big step for you and your family. If you’re feeling really depressed or anxious, it might be worth making a GP appt. They can refer you to local NHS Talking Therapies services to support you.

I’m sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time.

I can relate - I eventually separated from my now exH two years after I had served divorce papers (the first time, which he refused to accept) and four years after I had initially consulted a solicitor about divorce. It was a similar situation to yours - long marriage with two DC (8 and 4 when separated) and I had asked to separate for a long time (4 years really) but he refused/said we needed to stay together for sake of children etc. plus threatened me (said he would go for full custody) if I went through with separation.

If you know that you want to separate (and your post seems to show that you do) then the only thing you can really do is start the process yourself, if he doesn’t want to listen to your feelings and start the process together. It sounds as if (similar to mine) he will not agree to move out but there is nothing stopping you from telling him you will be legally separating and commencing the divorce process while still living in the same house (provided it is safe to do so).

I would contact a family solicitor to talk through the process. Remember financially that the starting point is 50/50 split of assets and this can change for a number of variables such as children and ability to work. In addition to this, there is child maintenance (and spousal maintenance if relevant).

Wishing you well - and remember you are strong enough.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I am very much done with the relationship, I know I'll never forgive him for the things he's done and I'll never be able to trust him again.

I'm planning to move out and rent somewhere nearby but have no money for deposit / first month's rent at the moment. We have a few hundred pounds in joint savings and I'll need about £3,000 just to get the keys to a rented place here let alone afford furnishings etc. No one I can go and stay with unfortunately.

For anyone who's been through this and got out the other side - how did you cope with this horrible limbo period where you're done with the relationship but living together until you can get out? What gave you the final push to leave?

You do need to leave him. I would speak with a soicitor. The chances are you can't force him out of the house until you've made progress on separating, but if you want him gone, then you need to start that process

Just because he says he wants to work on the marriage, doesn't mean you have to.

What are finances like? You have no savings, does he have separate savings or are your finances pooled?