Divorce with small kids

[surreylifemum]

Hi, I am 35yo, I have been together with my husband for 11 years and married for 6. We have 4 young children, all under 6 years of age. I have found out last summer that he was cheating on me. Then in September last year I found out more details, it wasn't the first time he cheated on me. We have been doing therapy, and even though a part of him wants our marriage to work, I mostly feel that he wants me to stop grieving, feeling sorry for myself, and complaining to him. He wants me to shut up and continue living as normal. In therapy sessions he seems to regain his senses, apologises etc. but then by his actions I see a lot of selfishness throughout the week before the next session. He has developed (or maybe always had) a short temper, he blames me for problems in his life and the way he has become. I am considering a divorce. We have discussed it with him before, many times whilst fighting, and he tells me he would be ok with kids spending most of their time with me, which is a relief. He is obsessed with his work and success, and even though he loves his kids, he would always give priority to work before kids (or me).

I wanted to ask if you have experience divorcing when the kids were young, how was it working logistically for you? He wont be able to take care of all 4 of them, they would just be spending time with the nanny.
In your divorce did you small kids sleep at your house all the time, or did they also go to the father's house? What was the time split?
He was initially threatening me with taking the kids completely, but then when I said no court will agree with kids living with a semi-absent father and a nanny he kind of came to his senses. I would really like to hear some experiences of divorcing with young kids, and the logistics around school pick ups and drop offs, holidays, living between 2 homes etc. Thank you in advance and sorry for the long message.

With all due respect op others experience isn’t important

some people will say 50:50 worked, others not. Others will say eow worked, others not. Some will say’s kids coped fine, others not

it really depends

what do you want?

young kids ultimately can be adaptable and resilient especially if they see parents who can get on even if separated and there’s a level of stability.

agronomy and instability is terrible for them.

you need to think about you/ will you work, what child are arrangements? What money will you have, where will you live? What expectations on him do you have re money? Spousal? Cms? Can your assets support 2 homes etc etc

4 under 6 is demanding even before you throw separation and co parenting into separate households and additional money worries into the mix

Btw I’m not necessarily saying just stay,
I’m saying think through some practicalities

I understand that everyone is different, I am just looking for experiences of divorces with young kids and how they have done with the practicalities as you say.... To understand the array of possibilities mostly.

Well I know people who split when their children were little ( 1 upwards). All of them spent time at dads house overnight from that age ) at various schedules from eow to 50:50)

I don’t know of anyone who kept the children at their house solely

in these cases they were able to be relatively civil and communicate therefore drop offs would be a mixture of school/nursery and home. And some use shared calendars to log important dates.

mine were older so I don’t have direct experience

btw why can’t /wont he have all of them
together?

hopefully others will be along

Every other weekend and one midweek night (every other week), so 3 nights out of 14. The reasoning being his work commitments but mainly concerns around his parenting. My youngest was 19months when we split, eldest was 5. Youngest struggled initiallt because I did all bedtimes. For other reasons there was a break in overnights until we went to court, children now 3 and 6, they seem happy enough to go, come back emotional, tired and like lots of attention and time to regulate. My ex also puts work above all else so physically he couldn't do 50/50 or more, but he isn't the nicest of people so he threatened it too and went to court to get it. He still struggles with what time he has it seems, as he forgets important dates, kids (especially the youngest) falls asleep on the sofa rather than him struggling with a bedtime so they come back very tired.

In your situation, if he isn't taking all 4 kids then I struggle to see how that would be okay/fair/the role of a parent. I haven't any experience of that situation. But nicely... it may just have to be time for him to step up and you stop running round supporting him. He can't do it because he hasn't/doesn't want to. He probably could if he had to. Mainly because you will need a rest too, as long as there are no safety concerns with dad.

I do not know of any situation where dad doesn't have overnight unless baby who is breastfeeding, but then it is expected it will progress to overnight. Some men want the overnight to reduce CMS, so maybe that could be a discussion.

Just make sure he isn't picking them up at bedtime, dropping them off at breakfast time to get a lower CMS but only having the kids while they sleep (sorry I am being cynical because my ex wants to have this plan still).

By as PP says (who always gives amazing advice!), get the logistics worked out. Living arrangements, finances, etc.

Thank you for your answers. Just shows that you can really agree different scenarios I guess.

My main concern is that he won’t be the one taking care of the kids on his time, he will get a nanny and for kids it’s really sad. Does that stand in court to lessen his share of the time ?

Not really

lots of working parents use wrap around care, Nannie’s, childminders etc

of course you can put forward arguments that state it’s not in the children’s interests - but what will you use? Because you’ll most likely have to work full
time if not immediately then ima few years if you don’t already

He isn't sorry. If he was hed accept full responsibility and not get shitty when you fall apart.
You need to divorce. I am in this now. I have two primary school aged children. Sadly they were present when the ex infidelity came out. I tols them straight...

Mummy and daddy are getting a divorce. You will be ok..we love you both very much and you will still see us all. Daddy will move out and love somewhere else.
They asked a few days later when the dust settled...why..
I told them..you kow daddy cheated kn mummy...
Well that's very very very bad and I wont put up with thqt behaviour bechase when you are woth one person...you stay..or leave but cheating os very very wrong..they understood that. Theyre having counselling still but its a work in pteogess. Eldest is protective of me and doesn't tell me how he feels so his counsellor is his safe space to say how he feels.