Should I apply for a Court Order? Need some advice please!

[Thistle11]

Hi,
I've had some great advice on here in the past and hope the same can happen this time!

My STBXH and I have been separated since December 2023 and divorce proceedings are still ongoing... Reaching a financial agreement is difficult as he has a complicated financial situation and hasn't been forthcoming with the requested documentation unfortunately. But this is a separate issue!

Our daughter is just about to turn 3 years old and we reached an agreement in Mediation about childcare - basically she is with her Dad every second weekend and one week night every second week, plus an evening meal with him once a week.

Unfortunately he has almost never fully complied with this. Usually this looks like him not telling me which evening he will be taking her for dinner that week until that week, or having to change timings on weekends due to "work commitments". More recently, he has started demanding what he calls "doorstep visits" to our daughter - these are usually when he is unable to take her for dinner that that week because of "work" and he comes to the house (we both still own the house jointly due to ongoing negotiations but he hasn't lived here since December 2023) and spending 10-15mins with her.

These random short visits are becoming increasingly unsettling for our daughter as she thinks he is collecting her and she either gets excited to go with them and is then upset that she isn't, or she doesn't want to go with him and I have to reassure her that she isn't.

I have tried to explain to him that these ad hoc visits are unsettling for our daughter several times, and I've tried to maintain boundaries to get him to stick to what we agreed. However when I do this he accuses me of preventing him access to her and has more recently responded that I won't stop him seeing his daughter and has just told me the time he will be coming to the house. This is absolutely mad because I have bent over backwards since day 1 to accommodate his working patterns and his whims.

I have tried to address all of the above in Mediation several months ago and didn't really get anywhere. I think the Mediator was more focused on financial matters and said I need to be flexible to his work arrangements... However he is self employed and schedules his work on a weekly basis! I requested an additional Mediation session to purely focus on childcare arrangements and he declined, the Mediator then later recommended this and he continued to decline.

I feel at a loss of what to do next. I have spoken to my lawyer regarding a Court Order however she doesn't feel we should jump straight to that and has suggested she write him a letter outlining what we have agreed. To be honest I'm terrified about both options because I'm worried about how he will react. I flit back and forth between thinking I'm overreacting and other times I'm sobbing after receiving a horrible message from him and feel like I must do something to protect myself and our daughter.

I'm wondering if others have experienced similar and at what point you decided to apply for a court order or do something about the other parent not sticking to arrangements or respecting your boundaries?!

Hi,
So sorry you and your daughter are going through this.
In my experience, the only way forwards is a formal court child arrangement order as otherwise he can just keep doing whatever he wants. However.... children's courts can be very draining, emotionally, physically and financially. You will need a solicitor and a good barrister. You can self represent but if he gets himself good legal representation then he could walk all over you.
The good news is though that the courts primary focus is in whats best for the children, not the parent as such so with his very erratic work schedule they would be unlikely to favour him. They also like to keep to an already established routine if there is one already and the longer that's been going on the better.
I'm only talking from personal experience so others may disagree with me.
I hope it all works out well for you xx

Hi OP. I'm so sorry you are having to manage this. I can only give you my example which is slightly different and may well not add value- there are similarities in our situation though.

STBXH refused to discuss divorce or separation. Ignored all communications from my solicitor to the point where I had to get the papers formally served on him. Initially agreed to mediation, DNAd appointment and I then got an email from the mediator when he did finally have a session with her saying that she did not feel it was an appropriate plan for us (suspect he was a rude idiot to her).

After lots of toing and froing with various forms my solicitor is applying for a court order.

I wanted this to be as amicable and smooth as possible for everyone. But, like you, I've been trying to progress this since 2023 and I'm royally pissed off now. It's not fair on my children to keep them hanging (mine are older though) and I want to move on with them.

Incidentally, and this may well not be relevant to you, this option has the advantage of the court being able to demand this disclosure of his finances, which I suspect will be interesting.

Wishing you all the best.