CAO being challenged constantly by ex and supervisor

[Lucyloo42]

Ex and myself have a CAO in place and he has a sibling supervising the children because he uses drugs and drinks excessively. At the final hearing he refused to give a test at all, so the judge told him supervision would stay in place ( as per the last 12 months) until he sorted himself out and produced clean long tests. They then granted me every other weekend with the children and lives with and it meant I could spend time with them and not just do the usual chores during the week with them as he was having access every weekend . He was granted 4 hour visit per week and 2 video calls a week.
My ex told my SOL that he didn’t see why I should get a weekend to myself and that all I needed to do was ask his permission and he would grant it ( he pushed back every time ) The history is DV , he has abused me on message so bad I reported to police a number of times and pursued me in his car at speed in anger and then overtaking me to the. Slam the brakes on to stop me , he told Cafcass he admitted to it and didn’t know the children where in the car ..
At final hearing the judge advised no direct contact and a parenting app
his sibling I know is on his side and the relationship is strained between us ( I u derstsnf they prob have had enough of doing it ) , I liaise with them regarding the children and navigating the visits but since early this year but lately they have started asking for time on my allocated days yet the children and I are fully engaged with activities after school throughout the week . Court suggested a year ago that their allocated weekend visits build from four hours to a full day but this had never happened due to the supervisors family commitments yet lately they seem to be able to find 3/4 hours one of my allocated days . When I explain we have plans I am quizzed by them via my ex I presume as to what is more of a priority than him and I end up defending myself as to why I can’t do it and the backlash can be so intense , stressful I can’t reply till hours later. The supervisor refuses to use the parenting app and will only liaise by WhatsApp as it’s not court ordered . They ask why I cannot drop and collect the children yet the order says they must be collected and dropped from me , they have dragged me back to court wanted the sequence of the visits changed because it didn’t suit my ex with his new partners children’s visits , but our children were settled and I told the court so they refused his request.

I have been fair and accommodated when I can within reason to crossing my own boundaries - I have extended their allocated visit times when asked 4 times in over 12 months , I have moved calls and added some when I have been requested but I don’t want to steer away from the actual order itself I don’t want them manipulating me over my allocated days whe. The children have paid activities nearly every night and only one night a week where we visit grandparents for tea and do any other leisurely things together . The children are 9 and 8 and seem happy and content with our routine and good when they visit my ex, except recently he has began telling them that I will not allow him extra days when asked .
our eldest has taken it upon herself to ask for an extra hour on his visit on the Sunday on a video call after stating to me that’s what they wanted and when they asked I was immediately messaged saying do not prompt our children .. but I hadn’t - she was expressing her wishes to him.

What I’m asking for I guess is opinions as to whether I am in my rights to say no to them imposing on my allocated day and then using it against me saying I refuse all the time , yet they say they can’t even make an extra hour on their allocated Sunday visit due to the supervisor not being available for longer .
I get so much pressure on messages , I will say no as we have genuine commitments on this night they seem fixated on - it’s the one where we are freer if you will visiting my parents for tea and going to the park or bike riding before home and bed . They will create and then two weeks later do it all again , it’s horrific .

Any advice anyone, sorry to ramble it’s hard to explain , thanks for reading x

Block them from WhatsApp and only answer via the parenting app. They don’t want to use it not your problem. You need to grey rock everything requested that isn’t court ordered. Do not under any circumstances answer any questions.

I really feel for you, the constant messages and friction is a horrible way to live.

I now go back with 'i will be following the court order'. Any requests about what I am doing or why can't I do as they demand i just ignore, they do not need that information.

Stick to the court order, do not give in on your court allocated weekend as once you do it once they will keep pushing. Once it is a regular thing then court may say that as that is the pattern let's put it in writing.

You have a court order. Be strong wjth that. Although I know it is ridiculously hard to stay strong with the constant push back.

My ex recently refused to use the parenting app. Are you wanting to use a paid or free one? Either way I would message them a start date of where you will no longer be using WhatsApp and will only communicate via the parenting app. Name it, include the link. If it is Our Family Wizard or another paid one then give them a month to organise or something. I gave my ex a month, and then blocked him on everything. I also screenshot every message in that month and added it to the app so it was documented. When he finally logged on he was met with every message that he had sent me, and the few responses from me, which he was furious at.

It isn't okay to have to deal with this constantly.

With the calls, I know I felt like they are quite invasive... how do you feel about them? I found it best to prop my phone on the table, do it in the same room everytime (so they know as little as possible about your life and keeps it a safe space for you), and they only have to be 10mins if the kids are done by that point (my ex dragged them out for an hour). I also stopped speaking on the calls at all.

You aren't wrong, you're doing whst you can in a difficult situation.

Are the times and days for the ohone calls included in the court order? If they are, I also wouldn't be changing the calls to suit his time. They stay the same unless it is a special occasion or an emergency reason, he needs to be more organised. You and the two kids are able to organise yourselves to be available for the phone call, so he should be able to organise himself. If he isn't able to make the call then the call doesn't happen. he has then broken the court order not you.

Document everything, include the evidence where possible. Include the kids feelings out of 5 as that will support yiu in any further case.

Wishing you luck! These ex's that know and enjoy pushing boundaries just never stop!