Communication with co-parent

[Wanttodobetter]

I’m divorced and we have a 50/50 childcare arrangement in place. Our childcare arrangement said we should use a parenting app or similar to communicate regarding the children. I was happy with this as he was often verbally abusive.

Since selling the family home and splitting everything 50/50, he has moved in with his parents. His Mum acts as if she is the parent of our children and is very controlling (and hates me).

She is now the one to respond on the parenting app, not my ex-husband (who also hates me). Contact between us in minimal, maybe 1-3 texts per week (to notify him of something happened with kids / any concerns / school stuff etc) but sometimes no texts. Normally he/she doesn’t reply. For example, our son hurt his leg and I had to take him to a minor injury clinic. They reply with a thumbs up, that sort of thing.

Anyway, for school trips (and lots of other things) he is supposed to pay 50% but doesn’t. I’ve been paying 100%. I can’t afford to always pay all the trips and don’t think it’s fair when we share 50/50 care. For want of a better solution, I’ve suggested we just pay for trips that fall on the days we have the kids (same days every week) otherwise it will just continue me paying for everything.

I suggested this (there is an outstanding trip) and he ignored me for a week and then his Mum replied to say this is not acceptable and won’t work.

Am I being unreasonable to delete the parenting app and just message / what’s app him directly? So that decisions about the children are decided by me and him, rather than involving his Mum (she has the app on her phone). Or should I just suck it up and continue to deal with his Mum. She is very confrontational.

The advantage of the app is the communication can be used as evidence in court.

Regarding the trips I would just write that you have paid out £x since Y date and you can’t afford anymore so if he doesn’t pay then presumably the DC won’t be going on future trips.

I would separately email the school explaining your financial situation and that your ex has the means and is supposed to fund 50% and do they have any suggestions.

Stick to the parenting app, and stick to your plans to only pay in the week you have your DC.

Presumably they'll have to deal with any fallout from DC on those days anyway.

I wouldn't ask. I'd just tell them what you're doing. Keep it polite and non confrontational you're end, but don't pick up the slack from the any poor behaviour on their part.

Don't imagine the school will have any ideas, though good to inform them about school trips (in case they're confused as to why your DC is going on some but not others)

Stick to the app. How old is the child? I think the advice from most people will be different if the child is 5 to if they are 13.

Aged 8-14.

Hate his Mum taking over and having her read all my messages and her being the one to respond. He is their father

I feel bad for the kids though if they miss out. That’s why I end up paying. I guess he probably knows this.

This situation is what the parenting communication apps are for. Don't move to texting. Communicate clearly and without emotion, sweep your own side of the street. Don't conflate the two issues here, their communication is one thing, paying for trips is another. The fact you feel they hate you is by the by, unfortunately.

Its awful, they are shits but stick with the parenting app and just think that its all great ammo for you should you need it.

"Thank you for your response. As noted I have paid for the last 5 trips solely at a cost of £x. You state my suggestion of splitting costs moving forward on the basis that we have an existing 50/50 arrange 'wont work' and 'isnt acceptable.' Please confirm how you suggest handling the payment of trips moving forward.'

If they ignore or come back with 'well my precious darling son is far too delicate for this world to think about such petty things. He pays for lots of other things and you thank you stars he deigned to have children with you in the first place you harlot. So you continue paying as you would only waste your money on frivolous nonsense. What an awful mother you are to even consider not paying. My son should take them from you full time but hes far too busy and important.'

Then unfortunately, as with all shit parents, the balls in your court. Either you can suck it up and understand you can't make him pay so respond. 'I will pay for this trip in full as I have for the previous trips. It will be a cost of x. I will keep note that he is not willing to pay for my records.' Then hold firm if he ever asks you to cover anything additional.

Or you can explain to the children gently that you have paid for the last few trips and genuinely can't afford it. Don't say 'daddy won't pay' because that's a reason to make you the back guy. Keep daddy out of it entirely. Not every child can go on every trip and thats the sad reality.

If they kick off about the kids being sad, you can hold your head up and say, 'I explained my financial reality. I am paying for x trip in future and cannot fund this one. I gave you the opportunity which you refused. I did not tell the kids you refused I simply explained mummy couldn't pay on this occasion.'

Some good advice here but sadly when dealing with someone like that other probably wont work.

Mine are older, 17/14, and have been no contact with Mum since Xmas. Abusive messages, controlling nature. Could not reason with her, if I said no I was accused of saying no to get my own way etc... Been much happier with no contact.

My school does say that trips can be paid for by school if finances hard, so maybe email them and say while you can pay for some, he refuses and you cant pay for all so can the school provide for free. They should do.