MOVING CHILD TO NI FOR HAPPY EVER AFTER?

[Greenelandahoy]

Hello

Any advice or polite opinions would be appreciated. Sorry it very long.

Context: I divorced ex in 2021 for controlling and manipulative and bullying behaviour. I wanted to divorce him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour that included physical abuse and mental and emotional abuse but he wouldn’t agree to that. He refused to sign anything that was ‘a lie and part of my inability to see reality’. I wanted out , and quick, so myself and my solicitor negotiated a carefully worded petition so not to upset him. The irony here is he still couldn’t see he was controlling. Just so the audience is aware the violence ranged from pushing to grabbing me by the throat to kicking and chasing. I wanted to leave him in 2012 but he persuaded me to have relationship counselling that was all focussed on me not being ‘normal’ until I blurted out in one session that ‘I wanted to discuss the violence’. Our sessions ceased about three weeks afterwards and we got married and had a baby on the premise that nothing would ever happen again.
as I type this I am ashamed of myself.

Fast forward 12 months with a baby girl we argue and I’m pushed, so hard that I fly across the room. My daughter is watching this (too young to understand I know) but in that moment I know I have to leave him for her sake not just mine.

Took years.

Sob story over.

After divorce all is good until I realise he’s being a twat to my daughter. He called her fat to her face -she was 8. He criticised her for not being ‘as fast as your friend’, she is outspoken and open minded and he criticises her POV; every time she goes to his place something is hyper focused on such as not saying please or not saying ‘enough’ or being ‘too much’ . The current gf and my daughter don’t get on as daughter can hear gf complaining about her to dad. Essentially my daughter feels betrayed BUT loves her dad. Before gf moved in she wanted to see more of her dad but without gf being there so asked for an additional day. I kid you not “I see enough of XXX”. He said this to me when I prompted him and then a week later to her. To her face. Until gf moved in daughter used to see him every Tuesday and every other weekend, she reduced her contact with him (it’s now every other weekend) as she said ‘I can’t do it mum, I can’t handle the back and home and back again’. She saw a councillor for a short time as she described her mind as ‘grey’. She keeps a journal. Things are better now but she sees her dad for what he is- a bully and unreliable and fickle. She is level headed and can see things for what they are.

He’s currently away playing golf in Portugal (this weekend was their weekend) and her previous weekend was lost too as he booked a holiday which coincided with her weekend. So it will be six weeks since he had her over night to spend the weekend together. He’s a Md of his father’s company so can go on holiday pretty much anytime.

He will not miss out and I found out about the most recent weekend interruption via a friend THEN daughter.

He refuses to communicate now as I blocked him on my phone after he sent me messages threatening me and telling me I manipulate our daughter. He also threatened to contact my partner and ‘tell him
What I’m really like. ‘ he hasn’t and I sent him the email address. He now only has a new email address to use for communication about daughter but won’t use it.

He’s the kind of man who used to threaten me with maintenance but not anymore.

He told my son he wasn’t intelligent enough for university yet he’s about to get his results and his scores have generally been a 1st.

I’m trying to build a picture here.

However ex is funny has the gift of the gab and somehow convinces people he’s a really ‘good guy’. He has a picture of Trump framed….

Current situation:

I’ve met someone. He’s kind. He’s caring. He’s intelligent. He’s a great friend to my daughter and son. We’ve been together three years. We are engaged. He’s nice to us.

He lives in NI.

He has tried to relocate his job but it’s very niche. He’s applied for roles but not been successful. Could be age-it’s definitely not ability.
The bottom line is we can’t be together permanently unless something changes.

I am considering moving to NI.

I realise this is a big step. I realise I am going to change the relationship between my daughter and her dad. I realise some might think this is unfair but my daughter is HAPPY when we are together. I am HAPPY. The dog is HAPPY. Partner is HAPPY.
We are a good unit. We are a family.
No one gets hurt. Rarely do we quarrel. We like each other and it’s nice.

I’m considering moving.

I’m asking for a sabbatical from work. I’m preparing to rent my house so if it all goes wrong (for daughter, her dad or me) we can come back. I want to try for a year - an academic year.

I have worked out I can offer the same amount of time but it will be substantial blocks which means his parents can get involved. They can go on trips together. Everyone knows exactly where they stand. It won’t be flimsy like the weekends can be.

(FYI: He doesn’t watch her running in comps or school events). He does attend parents evening usually.

Will I stand a chance of getting this off the ground?

I don’t like my ex and I don’t like how he treats my girl but I don’t want to mess her up or make a massive mistake.

We have talked to her about this idea and she’s up for it-excited even but she’s a child and doesn’t see the whole picture.

Am I doing the wrong thing? Given the circumstances?

Or should I try for this adventure?

I'm not exactly sure of your daughter's age at this point, but I think the main thing is that you have talked to her about this and she is open and even excited about the prospect of moving. Given her father has purposely scheduled time away from her twice in the two weeks he was supposed to be with her, and doesn't seem at all bothered by going 6 weeks without seeing her, I think that you must assume that this will continue or get worse with the new girlfriend in the picture.

If, legally, you can pull this off, and he isn't such an ass that he would just try to put up challenges out of spite, then I would try it. You are keeping your home in the off-chance it does not work. You may want to reconsider your trial period, however, and get her buy in. Two years is a better judge than only 1 as it can take a year for most people to "begin" to adjust. It may take two years for her to feel that she belongs and has friends.

Of course, if she experiences bullying or has trouble fitting in and her mental health slides then you would not want to force a stay to two years.

Oh, and one other thing. You have to be realistic with her and not try to glorify the potential. You need to speak frankly about the fact that it will take time to adjust and make friends, and that she may have feelings of homesickness for awhile and this is normal. You have to have a happy balance. If you paint too "great" of a picture then when you move her expectations are shattered. If you paint too dark of a potential, then she is fearful and apprehensive. Talk about the pros and cons but in a tone that is hopeful, and that you will work it out together.

She is 10 and in Y5 which bothers me as it gets complicated with schools and timelines - I wish this was a year ago but it isn’t.
Shes more positive than I am! I think I’m carrying the weight of responsibility and I’m acutely aware that I could make the wrong decision for her.
If we went and it went wrong and we came back next summer how can I apply for secondary schools?
Also, if he slaps one of those PSO on me what is the time scale of things like this? I don’t know if I have the energy to fight him.

I don’t think this is a good idea. It’s unnecessary extra stress and change for a child who sounds as if she’s already had enough of that. I don’t think it’s just a matter of changing her relationship with her father, it’s taking her away from everything she knows, her friends, her school. We moved from the UK to Ireland when DS was turning eight, and despite having both parents with him, and grandparents and extended family nearby (were Irish, but had been away for a long time and DS was born in England), it was really hard for him.

I know it’s difficult for you, but it’s not something I would do for the sake of a relationship.

How is your child now?
what happened? Did they find it hard but survive?

So you think I should end a potential marriage - a potential happy marriage and family situation because something might be hard?

Isn't Consistency and security what children crave and wouldn’t this provide it?

If I end the relationship her father figure / male role mod is what I have described.

FYI: she is outgoing, vivacious, makes friends everywhere she goes and has lots of interests: horse riding, comp swimming and running.

Yes, she’s been through a lot, because of her dad.

Thanks for your comments.

Sorry, forgot to Quote. Message returned.

Go for it - it will get worse not better- the education system in NI is great. Flights are cheap and she'll soon be able to travel alone - good luck -he sounds like my horrid ex

Hi, I literally did this on the way out tonight. And Ive played devils advocate several times now. I asked her why she was so fine about the idea and she discussed it. I asked her what would she do if she didn’t make friends or someone gave her a hard time. She said “mum, I’ll be fine.” I asked her to
explain why she didn’t mind seeing her dad every other weekend she said “ I have to feel anxious every other Friday mum and it takes ages to get settled and wastes the night, if I see dad every half term then I can get settled and relax plus he will make it fun if he knows he has me for a week and I can see grandma”.
she doesn’t see his parents much as he doesn’t take her round.
I also asked her why she was okay overall a while ago and she replied “I’ve got you and D”.
I think the safety net of keeping our home is a big factor.

Will her dad let you take her? Sounds like he has the resources to fight you on it?

I think it’s risky moving to another country and living with a man you have never lived with and moving your daughter (and other children?) in with him.

Did you read my post?
This is what I’m asking. Is it likely I can achieve this?
We live together for a month then he goes back - it’s a pattern. Over three yearsSo it’s not like I’ve never spent any time with him. Yes it’s a risk, Of course, which is why I’m not selling my house. .
what should I do about his behaviour towards her?
my son is finishing uni. No other children.

She sounds very wise for her age. I think as long as you do the following this could be a win/win situation.

1. set expectations without fear-mongering or making it sound like her happiness will be instantaneous
2. reassure her that you will be there to help
3. give her opportunities to see her father and his family when needed
4. be observant and provide opportunities for her to make and build friendships in NI

The thing to remember is that everyone will respond with their own personal biases (something similar did or did not work for them) so they will push that onto you, but only you know your child . . . her strengths, her weaknesses, her resiliency or lack thereof. I think your gut has probably given you a clue predicting the outcome, but it shows that you are very selfless and thoughtful that you are seeking opinions and thinking this through.

@Greenelandahoyno it’s not likely unless he gives you permission to take her.

She is super bright and wise and brave. Wiser than me and way less bothered about most things !

Thank you for your comments. you have been so considerate . I have tried to give as much background as possible to provide clarity so people could see I was/am trying to be a good mum and not just thinking of myself .

Have you legal experience then or actual personal experience? Do all cases like this mean all women wanting to move away fail? That seems like it would be pretty unfair.

Yes, I think you should stay long-distance if your fiancé can’t relocate, because it’s unnecessary extra difficulty for a young child who sounds as if she’s had a very difficult time already, and whose positivity about going to NI sounds as if it’s coming out of a desire not to be subjected to EOW with an unreliable, unpleasant father rather than a real desire to live in another country. How much time has she spent in NI? How much have you?

DS is now 13, and doing fine, but despite him being socially confident and clever, it was a very difficult few years for him, being taken away from everything he’d ever known, and not something I’d have contemplated subjecting him to for the sake of a relationship.

I was going to ask the same question as pp - how much time have you and your daughter spent in NI?
I'm English and have lived in NI. I love it, but there are certain things I struggled with. It's obviously a tiny country and you definitely feel it. It can feel like everyone is connected, which is a good thing and a bad thing! I loved coming back to London every so often to feel anonymous!

As another pp mentioned, schools are great in NI. However the grammar school system means that P7 (Y6) sit their Transfer Test in the autumn term, which doesn't give you much time to get your daughter into a school.

Have you met his family and friends? Can you see yourself as part of his existing life?

What does your older child think? It sounds like he is early 20s, which yes, is an adult, but we all know that it's harder than ever for young adults to sustain themselves and fund somewhere on a starting salary. Was he expecting to live at home after uni? How does he feel about you and his sister moving to NI?

I'd always say trust your instincts and follow c your heart, but at the same time you have children and they need to be considered first, especially your youngest.

It’s quite difficult to gauge how anyone will react to changes in circumstances. Forces children move all the time. I moved from
one area to another as a child (vastly different) and struggled but that’s because I was ostracised by my mothers behaviour. The move essentially was a great thing in the end.
I moved my son 20miles south of his birthplace and he struggled for a few
months then thrived and continued to thrive.

She’s not a people pleaser. If she were it would be him she would try to please.

Why did you put your son through such a change and if he is happy now wasn’t it worth it? And hasn’t that taught him something and given him resilience?

We have spent weeks there at a time over the last three and a half years several times a year.

I could move to another village in the same county and that would be taking her away from every thing she’s ever known - she could choose her secondary school and it would be a huge change and she could be bullied and so on. Awful experiences happen everywhere regardless of moving or not.

I do see your point.

to be honest, I’m genuinely not concerned about her wellbeing as I think she will be great.

I think this is about me and my fears. Fear of her dad controlling my life if he takes me to a court hearing (he didn’t even get a solicitor during our divorce though) and my fear of change.

Hi
Yes, plenty of time there but of course not the same as living there. I also see what you mean about size. Im not ignorant of the political issues either and we would be mindful of choosing where to live. We have earmarked places less than an hour from Belfast.

i wonder how stupid people must think I am. Does my Op not present me as a person who thinks and feels and makes considered decisions? A rash thoughtless decision would not be mulled over on the internet. (I also realise the fact I tolerated an abusive relationship might make me seem stupid).

Who would move and not have met family?

Yes, I’ve met and holidayed with his family. He has met mine. Repeatedly. Regularly. When we go over we stay in his house with his grown up children.

My son has not been at home as at uni and has landed a great job and will be travelling around the world. He was one of the people to tell me to go for it. In fact, I think he would be disappointed in me if I let fear hold me back. But he’s young with no responsibilities.

We have registered her for the transfer test already. Downloaded the papers. It’s much easier than the 11+ here.