He won’t leave, should I change the locks

[Anonymousforthis1]

We are separating after years of emotional abuse from husband, he’s not engaging in any dialogue around the house etc (jointly owned with some equity), I had offered to buy him out, no response, he’s just coming and going as he pleases and causing an atmosphere for our 3 children. Feel like changing the locks but what can/should I do realistically? He does have a place to go, his brother lives nearby, is single and has two spare rooms.

If he has not moved out voluntarily, or there is no court order telling him to go - then changing the locks is unlawful.

If you are married - the house is a joint asset & he’s legally entitled to regain entry, and the police won’t stop him.

I would start the divorce process & consent (financial) order.

You can't force your husband to move out. The house is in joint names, and he is therefore entitled to live there. If you change the locks, you will be in the wrong, and he will legally be entitled to enter the property. I think your best course of action will be to seek legal advice, and start divorce proceedings, along with a financial order. Unfortunately, even once you start the proceedings, you still can't force your husband to move out.

Your only option is to move out op

Thanks - I knew I couldn’t really, it’s just so unbearable. Will contact a lawyer tomorrow.

You’re not allowed to change the locks but I presume he doesn’t carry a back door key around with him?

There’s nothing to stop you leaving the front door key in the lock so he can’t get it - and coming and going via the back door.

start proceedings - with an occupation order the first thing on the list

Only a solicitor with your information can tell you whether you have a case for changing the locks on a house he owns jointly.

Don't leave though, that might rock your boat in the future.

Has the emotional abuse been documented by professionals? If so, you may be able to get an occupation order to legally force him out of the house. I am not sure what your chances of getting an occupation order are if the abuse hasn't been officially documented. I would advise speaking to a domestic abuse charity / Women's Aid as soon as you are able to.

I don't agree with that unless a lawyer says so.

Unfortunately not, I’ve shared some things with close family and friends, but always thought/hoped it would get better.

Have you asked the neighbours? You would be surprised at what neighbours notice when you ask. Very often they don't say because they don't want to alarm you, but neighbours are very good at noticing things like that.

What is he doing in these comings and goings? Laundry? Remove the fuse and tell him it's broken..
Cooking? Same for the oven /hob.

Sorry no I just mean he’s living here but pretty much disengaged with family life.

Thanks for the suggestion, I’m not that friendly with the neighbours, really just say hello, I’d be a bit embarrassed to ask them. I don’t think they’d notice anything anyway. It’s all very subtle. I’ve only fully realised myself what’s been happening. I’ll speak to a lawyer, I’m done with it.

I'm sorry, that sounds rough but he is entitled to live there.

Who is paying the rent/mortgage?

Get cracking on the divorce but if he's currently covering bills or mortgage I wouldn't rock the boat too much - he could stop paying and would still be entitled to live in the house.

Unlawful to change the locks as others have said, could you leave even just to give yourself a break from it?

We split the mortgage and bills. It’s awful but if I can have an idea of options from a lawyer at least it won’t feel so endless. Should’ve done it a long time ago.

You could try. I divorced my first husband, and when I told them next door (well we had a couple of acres) they said ''thank God for that, we thought he would kill you''. I had no idea anyone noticed at all.

Is there space for you to have separate bedrooms? If you can, move all your things into one room and lock that room so you have somewhere safe to sleep and to keep important paperwork.

Potentially we could stay with family but someone else has cautioned on that, not sure why, will see what the lawyer says. As bad as it is I’d hate the thought of living out of suitcases and being a burden on others so I’d rather a more permanent solution. That’s an ideal world obviously, I might just need to accept some temporary disruption.

Either he buys you out, you buy him out, or it goes to open market. A judge can force the sale if needs be but that costs time and money. Your best bet is to consult a solicitor regarding your rights and start the divorce process. The admin side can be done easily online (go to gov.uk site) for £600 but you will need mediation or solicitor/court for the finances and children.

While you are waiting start getting house valuations, declutter in readiness, and look at Form E which covers financial information. It's a big document but most of it won't be relevant unless you own multiple houses etc. Start to emotionally detach and view this as a business transaction, the law doesn't care he didn't wash up or that he thinks you're a nag, but it does eat away at your bank account in fees. Good luck.

Bloody hell! Mine is so soft spoken and quiet with others, I really don’t think anyone would think he’d behave the way he does behind closed doors.

You can apply for a occupational order and the court can kick him out

I'd then start building a case of it by seeking help from women's aid and they can help you or you can report to police and they can apply it for you. You can apply directly on Courtnav website for the occupational order and the judge will be in favour to another that's taking care of children they don't remove the mother and kids always the father depending on kids circumstances. I hope this helps I'm in a similar situation with a toddler and pregnant so biding my time before I divorce 🫠

If there has been domestic abuse you can get an occupation order to keep him away from the house - seek advice from DA charities about how to do this