I've been married 11 years to DH and have an almost 6yo DD and a 7mo DD. Recently we have not been getting along for various reasons but primarily because he's exhausted, but not helping as much as he could. I've been on mat leave but am about to go back to work. I have happily taken on night duties the entire time because, mat leave.
But without any other support I myself have paid for a cleaner one a fortnight to do deep cleaning, a part- time nanny a few hours each week literally so I can grab one nap in the week and do all the laundry, daily cleaning and batch cooking. I've been the only one to research and sort out when DD2 had silent reflux. Initially she wouldn't sleep lying down so we slept together propped upright a few nights, which caused my c section wound to open up.
My midwife ordered that I get some support at night, which DH didn't want to do so I used my savings to pay for a night nanny just for a few weeks so my wound could close up. I researched and carried out gentle sleep training a month ago in anticipation of restarting work. Despite those hours I prep while the nanny is there I still do the daily cooking and cleaning, bathing and bedtimes.
DH does do drop off and pick up of DD1 most days, including giving her breakfast and getting her ready for school. He also deals with a lot of house admin, including garden and diy, car bits, childcare admin and insurance. And I see him doing a lot daily and being tired so I try not to complain.
But recently it's been getting on top of us. To say I'm sleep deprived is not enough. I had a bad pregnancy and so I've not had one night's sleep in about 15 months now. I was on sertraline but I've thankfully weaned off now, but still finding myself reaching the end of my tether really quickly.
I have a diastasis gap in my stomach big enough to punch a fist through but have been told its just 1cm shy of where the NHS would fix it, so I either deal with it or pay £9k. My hair is falling out endlessly and my elderly parents need my help with their own house and medical admin daily.
Meanwhile, I catch DH needing a nap almost daily. On top of uninterrupted nights of sleep. And then complaining to me every morning about how he didn't sleep well. He watches tv late, eats endless take out and junk food late at night, refuses to deal with his sleep apnoea or go to the Dr's to check for vitamin deficiencies, so I and DD1 just have to deal with his tired moods.
He yells at DD1 for her typically trying 5yo behaviour daily. She's now scared of him and often asks me not to tell him when she's done something. I, my family, friends and teachers all think she's on balance a pretty well behaved lovely girl. She leaves toys around, doesn't appreciate them and gets fussy with eating but listens if I tell her a few times. But he will not engage with any parenting discussions or research with me. He just employs yelling, growling, or excessive punishment like no tv for the week or something which makes her cry. It's deteriorating their relationship and affecting the household dynamic a lot.
I've tried and tried to talk to him about this a lot but the way it goes is this- I tell him all these things, he disagrees and thinks I'm not appreciating how stressed and tired he is and all the things he does do. I think I'm not being listened to or supported and then I end up quietly resenting him. And then I make snippy remarks here and there because I just don't know what the hell to do. That all builds up and then a few weeks later we have a big fight. In the last big fight he told me I do f all, that I just give birth and then sit on my a**.
Last night was another, in which he told me he's had enough and can't live with me. He had a big fight with DD1 and when she woke up and tried to apologise to him he told her he doesn't want to speak to her and she cried. She then made him a cute I'm sorry card and tried to give it to him and he said no. She cried again. So I went to him and tried to say, look whatever is happening between us please don't take it out on her look at the card she's trying to do her best to say sorry. He scrunched it up and threw it on the floor and said he's done with all of us and that I've poisoned her mind against him.
He's saying all the things this morning, alllll the things. And I just don't know. When is enough enough? He won't do couple therapy I've tried to ask many times. But I have two little girls to think about. What the hell do i do. Sorry for the rambling rant, I'm just at wits end as you can tell. I don't just want to hear things supporting my frustration or telling me to leave. I have a baby. Like what can I practically try? Thanks.