Seperated 20 months, worried about kids reaction to selling house/new partner

[Drew79]

In late 2023 I seperated from my STBXW , I moved out within a few weeks, first to my parents, then to a rented flat on my own.
It was my decision to leave, but we hadn't got on for years, argued and didn't spend any time together except days out with the kids and mealtimes as a family. No one else was involved.
We were together for 22 years in total, married for 12 years.
We have two kids, DD just turned 13,
and DS is 9.
When I moved out the kids seemed to take it fairly well, it was an amicable split and as I finish work much earlier than STBXW, I carried on with the routine of picking DS up from after school club 4-5 days a week, and seeing DD when she arrived home from school, then they would both come to stay with me roughly every other weekend, and this arrangement has carried on ever since.
I couldn't find a flat in the same area due to high prices and demand, so I rented one near work which is 7 miles/15 minutes drive away, obviously the downside is that the kids can't just pop over to mine if they wanted to.

I have a great relationship with my kids, but I haven't really dealt with the reality, as the arrangement hasn't changed over the past 20 months - we've barely discussed selling the family home (neither of us can afford to buy the other out) not discussed divorce, I'm still paying almost the same towards the house and kids and all the other costs, we still have a joint bank account & joint credit card for mortage, bills and expenses that relate to the kids and house.

I can't carry on the same arrangement forever as we are not moving on, and I'm overspending every month by £400 or more, so using up savings/redundancy pay at a fast rate.
I also met someone serious almost 12 months ago (we don't live together though) I haven't told STBXW about her yet, I'm nervous about doing that, and I'm scared of how my kids would react if I told them I had met someone new.

I know it sounds a bit crazy, but 20 months has flown by, and there have been other family/health complications along the way, there's also some complications with selling the house.
Also STBXW is on a fairly low income, I'm worried she wouldn't be able to buy a house in the area the kids go to school, so that adds to my guilt, and me putting things off longer.

My new partner quite understandably isn't comfortable that I haven't told STBXW about her yet.

It all seems so messy, but I know I must do something very soon.

I would like advice on any aspect of it, especially how kids of age 9 & 13 might process this? Would DS 9 understand me meeting someone 'new' ? Would DD 13 be upset with me and feel betrayed? I really don't want to mess up my relationship with my children, and I don't want to create stress or upset for STBXW either.

You're still very much married. Your kids will need to process the divorce when/if it starts and the upheaval to their house and lives.
You'll need to work on yourself to learn who you are now, and be the best parent you can.
Your dating life is not relevant to your kids, I don't see why you'd need to tell them you have a girlfriend.

Apply for your divorce. Have the conversation about selling the house. Agree the financial settlement with or without mediation. Get it done before DD gets any closer to her GCSEs. Talk to your exW about increasing her hours so she is more financially resilient.

Then, once all of this is agreed and signed (and taking in to account your DD's GCSEs) will it be time to introduce your new lady. You may wish to leave it until your DD has finished her GCSEs as it is likely to cause some disruption.

In two years you'll be more secure in your new relationship, DD will have done her GCSEs and DS won't be approaching his yet. Finances will be clearer too.

You need to formalise your separation/divorce. Sell house, split equity etc.
Probably best to do this before you tell anyone about current partner.

Thankyou. That's a very good point about GCSE's , it's very time sensitive. Also the mortgage will jump up next July when the fixed deal ends , from 900 to about 1300 I expect, house ideally would be sold around that time.

I need to learn about divorce and financial settlements.

Unfortunately exW already works full time hours, on probably not a lot more than minimum wage.
Recently I had thought about giving her a bigger share of the house equity, to level things up, so that she and the kids could have a better house, and any move seem less drastic a change.

It all depends on the kids - mine were 12 & 15 although both pretty mature and grounded. Told them when I was dating as I would be out the house etc... DD met one woman I was seeing after a month or so and both met another one few weeks after meeting.

Not an issue at all. In a good way, they didnt really care. I was happy and they just got on with it. No dramas. We are close as a family, pretty open about stuff.

In my opinion, the situation has got very comfortable for your ex and you are doing your best as a partner. I also think that you are the only one that knows your kids and depending on their maturity, then you should introduce your new partner but not before talking to your Ex about moving on.

Get her to agree with the divorce, do the division of assets and arrange for the house sale if this is what is necessary. Don't be scared to take a step back if necessary but also don't drag along longer than necessary.

Good luck

Sometimes Mumsnet is really the biz! Not many responses yet on this thread, but, so far, all are useful, helpful, knowledgeable.
I'd agree that you need to start on all the formal business about dissolving your marriage and your property partnership. Possibly, Citizens' Advice Bureau could give free advice before you have to start spending on lawyers? They might advise on Mediation, too. In any case, it is good advice to keep the dissolving of your marriage quite separate, for the time being, from any ideas of introducing your new love interest/relationship into the mix. Keep it all very separate.

This is true.
When I hear about divorces that are stressful for one or both adults, and the kids are aware of that stress or feeling it themselves, I often wonder if kids should be aware of the divorce details of things, and maybe it should just be the house sale and moving that they are told about? Depending on age obviously, I don't know if I'm being realistic or not though.

Unfortunately this is probably about the worse age for the kids to be, they’re very aware what’s going on, but not emotionally mature enough to process it.

I certainly wouldn’t take the advice of those who say you shouldn’t tell the kids (yet) about the new partner. The worst thing you can do is hide things from kids, it causes resentment when they inevitably find out., and leads to trust issues And make sure you tell your ex first, if she hears it from the kids then she could react badly in front of them, which helps no one.

Finally, you absolutely need to get the divorce over and done with, including the financial settlement. It seems you are both in an unsustainable financial position. And you both need to move on with certainly about the future. There’s no need to be overly generous or anything like that at all. The settlement will make sure that the children are provided for in the best way possible, which is what is important. And you need to be able to host them and play a full part in their lives as well.

it sounds like you are very much entangled with your ex wife. Almost impossible in these scenarios to keep everyone happy. It sounds like you need to ask yourself what you really want going forward.

That's interesting, what was your living situation if you don't mind me asking? As in, your kids lived with you, or still living with ex, or they stayed with you part of the time etc?

I think as long as your kids still feel you have their best interests that you are with them through the changes always their dad they will be fine.
Kids are resilient and it is character building to know that sometimes life can be unsettled but will settle again once changes are made.
I think if you are serious about someone it's only fair that you continue to keep moving forwards and being honest and understanding but clear in your intentions.
You ex will meet someone new one day and the house divorce it all needs to be sorted or it just looks complicated that you arnt properly moving forward.
Be brave everybody will be ok.

Don't have much to add to the good responses above, only that I found mediation a complete waste of money and expensive (XP just stuck heels in and whatever was suggested was a flat out no). Also giving a larger amount of equity is a good idea if it means she could then afford a shared ownership property but on the other hand if it is an adequate amount the council will refuse to provide a home and tell you to rent until the money is gone and come back to them when you are homeless! Good luck.

I think you're right, it has got very comfortable for my ex, In some ways, day to day, it had got comfortable for me too, but I've probably being burying the stress/worry of decisions and finances - I'm currently recovering from a awful facial palsy/damaged facial nerve which I'm told was caused by a complication of shingles - I've never had shingles before, work isn't stressful so I'm fairly sure it was caused by the situation and stress I've got myself into.

I think that's great advice thankyou, re move forward , don't let things drag on , but don't be scared to take a step back if necessary.

I need to arrange to sit down with my ex and talk while the kids are out.

I don't know when is right to tell kids about a new partner , lots of different opinions of course, I have already thought about the potential resentment/trust issues, I certainly don't want that.
Absolutely I would tell my ex about my new partner before telling the kids, it's only right and respectful.

Agreed I need to get things moving with the divorce and settlement, so there's certainty.

Of course I want to continue playing full part in their lives, and selling the family home (unfortunately necessary with house price inflation generally over the last 10 years, buyout is impossible) and hopefully both of us being able to buy our own homes, myself being able to move back within walking distance from the kids I'm sure.

Split at end of January, officially split mid Feb, started getting financial stuff done asap. She moved out end April (and paid off), they lived with me for 3m as she lived with her mum for 3m as no space, then end of July it went 50/50, divorce came through about Nov and then financial order around Feb or Mar the next year

Yo have got to try and sort this amicably. Relative has had 50k legal fees when partner awkward. The partner gained nothing but also had big fees. And that’s equity out of the house gone. Everyone is worse off. Children’s accommodation is reduced in quality.

house and assets split starts at 50 50. At one stage this couple were asked if either was in new relationship. They weren’t but don’t know why question was asked.

i believe pre nups should be mandatory before marriage. I feel for you it can be hell. Get partner to agree to divorce, if not tell them a no fault divorce will be started asap. Keep talking, if you don’t and involve the courts then everyone will go through far more grief and pain, fat far more, than you have now.