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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

This is so hard. Is he gaslighting me?

12 replies

Doitforthekids · 06/06/2025 09:33

I thought it was done. We had the chat. He was shocked and sad - but seemed to accept moving out. It can’t happen yet - I had good advice in a previous thread about timing so it’s at least the end of July.

I started to be suspicious because he’s been in such a cheery mood. At first I thought he was relieved we were finally being honest with each other, and that this could be a better option for both of us.

But then I spoke to him at the weekend - and we’re virtually back to square one. He’s going to move into the spare room, but isn’t agreeing to move out. It’s ‘if you want me to I will’ but I know that means I would have to really force things to make it happen.

For context, he has anger issues and a history of emotional abuse episodes.

I am so sad. I can’t sleep and am struggling to deal with everything else in my life. He doesn’t seem to care or notice. (That’s the only thing that makes me trust my feeling ironically. Surely any normal DH would care about my emotions?)

I don’t know what to do. Just feels so hard to get through the days. I know the only real option is to end things so not sure what I’m asking for here. I just need somewhere to put this all down.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 06/06/2025 09:45

He’s not gaslighting you. It’s difficult to unpick what exactly is going on. It could just be him not accepting what you have told him. Which isn’t healthy but isn’t completely inconsistent with how people respond to the end of a marriage. He might get there with a bit more time if you reinforce your decision to end the marriage.

He may also be considering whether moving out is on his interests. It probably isn’t and this is him playing for more time not rushing into moving out.

Whyx · 06/06/2025 09:48

Sounds like some firm boundaries are needed perhaps a frank discussion about that would help. I'd suggest kicking him out or moving out yourself but sounds like there's a reason that you both need to stay until July?

Doitforthekids · 06/06/2025 10:28

Yes, various exams and then one DD away abroad for a few weeks. I do get the fact it would have been a shock for him - though things haven’t been brilliant for quite a while. But he was the one who raised moving out.

Now I’m trying to work out if he’s in denial, so just carrying on as normal - or trying to make me feel so beaten down I don’t push any more. I’m sure he won’t say or do anything himself if I don’t.

One of the things that triggered all this was him admitting he’d taken his moods out on us over the years - and then not doing anything about that.

OP posts:
minnienono · 06/06/2025 10:32

Do you both own the house? If so legally it is not in either of your best interests to leave. You might want him to but a solicitor will advise this isn’t the best for him. If you do not own the situation is not the same.

many if not most couples splitting cannot afford to move out straight away, if your house is sufficient in size to have a spare room then moving into that is common sense whilst you work, amicably on the finances, we sold our house before we legally divorced too as it made it so much easier

Y2ker · 06/06/2025 10:33

If he is saying ' if you want me to' then say yes, I do as that will ensure there is a clean break and less disruptive for the children. Then specify a date that you expect this to happen by.

What's the situation with your current home? Will it need to be sold etc?

Also, are you safe? What does his anger look like?

nopineapplepizza · 06/06/2025 10:35

Just push ahead with the divorce; it’s not a quick process, so the sooner you start, the sooner it’ll be over.

He's in denial because it probably doesn’t suit him to leave (extra expense, having to do his own cooking and cleaning etc), and he probably thinks he can wear you down if he hangs around with a cheery demeanour (which will eventually drop).

You know you’re better off without him, but legally splitting is the only way you’ll definitely be able to live separately from him, so just push on with the legalities.

Doitforthekids · 06/06/2025 11:52

We’re both on the mortgage so I can’t make him move out. I didn’t plan to ask him to - but he asked and it felt like the only logical step. It just feels really hard to keep living together - though I know lots of people have to.

I have spoken to Women’s Aid a couple of times over the years. They have said his behaviour is emotional abuse. He isn’t like that all the time, and he isn’t violent. So I can’t get any kind of order to make him leave, but I’m always worried about his reactions.

I mentioned gaslighting because he’s done that before - telling me he didn’t say something or something didn’t happen when I know it did. His behaviour now feels a bit like that.

OP posts:
BookArt55 · 06/06/2025 18:40

He's likely so used to you backing down that he's pushing back and expecting the same pattet to happen again. Stay strong. Tell him again, stay firm.

Doitforthekids · 06/06/2025 23:29

I think you’re right @BookArt55- whether he’s being calculated or not he probably doesn’t expect me to stick to it. But his objections were the cost (true) and not seeing the DCs every day (which I will hate too and will try to enable them to see him as much as they want). He hasn’t ever said he’d miss me, or he loves me and wants to fix things.

OP posts:
BookArt55 · 07/06/2025 07:06

@Doitforthekids exactly. And although it is such an adjustment not seeing the kids every day, it doesn't mean the whole family have to live in that atmosphere. The kids don't need to grow up seeing the relationship between their parents as healthy, when it isn't. You don't need to waste years of your life not feeling loved and appreciated.
I think it is lovely you want to support by him seeing the kids as much as possible. Something to consider would be he doesn't enter your home once you don't live together. You describe emotional abuse and anger... your home should be your safe space. You will need that separation.

Doitforthekids · 07/06/2025 12:22

Horrible day today. DCs both out and we’re just… not speaking. I could go out - but I’m absolutely exhausted through not sleeping properly and don’t want to.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 07/06/2025 12:27

You've split up. There's no debate on that whatsoever.
He wants to stay in the spare room, but he can't.
Tell him politely and firmly you want a clean break and he must leave the house. Give him two weeks written notice to find alternative accomodation.
Then if he won't leave after that you can involve the police and change the locks.
That's assuming it's your house? If it's not then can you leave, to family just temporarily?

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