Fallen out of love with him?

[thebiggestmugoftea]

Since having my youngest child 2 years ago, myself and my partner have been in a total rut.

We sit in silence on our phones every night, have sex maybe once every 2 months. I am not attracted to him. Everything he does annoys me.

I feel he brings absolutely nothing to the table in our relationship. Don't get me wrong he's a "nice guy" but I just feel like I have totally fallen out of love. I don't want him near me and I even fantasise about leaving him.

I know lots of people experience troubles in their relationship during early years parenting so I guess my post is to ask if anyone has experienced similar feelings and come out the other side or whether this really could be that one fallen out of love...

It's been almost consistent feeling like this for 2 years.

Yes we tried talking about stuff and we don't get very far. He just gets defensive and it turns into an argument- he is not emotionally aware at all so it's really hard to communicate and quite honestly I feel like I've emotionally checked out right now.

Tell me your stories?

Just woke in the night and felt sad you hadn’t had any replies as you must be feeling in of support. I’ve sort of experienced this with my current partner, when you are both busy with work, and parental responsibilities and tired a lot of the time. I think.. he’s a nice guy, what is wrong with me, then we spend time alone together and it improves hugely.

I think the brutal reality is that relationships evolve, and it’s common to be anxious you’re not in love, but the reality is the deeper feelings are still there just a bit buried. My friend, who is a therapist says you naturally have peaks and troughs, and says in her own case sometimes the troughs go on for years! For some, not all, it’s hard transitioning from the giddy carefree passion to the more comfortable bonds that come with family life. It’s one reason why infidelities happen, as the giddy feelings of a new person can trigger dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin etc and the deeper, more realistically aware, older bond can’t compete. But I know from experience the deeper bond is far more valuable and worth saving. Some people are lucky, but in reality many relationships need a lot of work. It's possible to unearth your buried underlying feelings through effort and time together. Do you have any relatives who can offer childcare to enable you to have nights away etc.

Quite a good article here…https://www.womenshealthmag.com/uk/health/a44353428/falling-out-of-love/

Like with most things, biking, cooking, running, it only works if you put effort and and it seems like you both do what lots of others do and not put too much effort in, and take it all for granted.

Him being like that will be an issue but just be clear and direct. Say you love him and want it to work but are not happy. So as a couple you have 3 options, keep it going as is but at some point one or both will be so unhappy one leaves, 2 is that you split, 3 is that you work together to make it fun and rebuild what you had

I can relate to you.

I honestly don’t know how I feel but I’m irritated by my partner, I don’t know if I fancy him, I’ve got no interest in having sex with him but I feel guilty and keep hoping it’s a phase that will pass.

He says that everything he says is wrong and feels like he isn’t good enough. The thing is though he’s not a man who says much in the first place and that’s part of the problem. He wants me to make the effort, he wants me to be the one to plan date nights and it makes me check out even more.

I do miss the way we used to be and the effort we would both make as it was so amazing and that’s why I haven’t given up.

Please see a couples therapist. It may or may not work, but you will know you tried. My husband of 23 years has recently left me. He emotionally checked a year ago but I thought it was other big stresses. Now I’m in agony and he says it’s too late for therapy… so try the therapy to avoid the agony if you can x