Are you supposed to update NRP on routine medical stuff?

[Sprogonthetyne]

new to co-parenting, don't want to be accused of cutting them out of kids day to day lives, but also don't want to spam them with unnecessary updates.

Would you tell your ex things like "kids had dental check-up, no concerns" or "X had MMR booster, bit groggy afterwards but fine"?

On a similar note, do you tell them about minor illness? like if they had D&V at a time when they're not due to see them until after they'll be better.

I wouldn’t share about minor things like. D&V if they were off school/about to visit.

I would tell
yes

woukd you want to know in reverse ?

I would want to know, and so therefore I let XH know about our DD.

what’s your current split of custody? If it’s 50/50 or similar then I’d say yes probably drop the other parent a note about illness requiring a day off school etc as you’d want to be informed if it was the other way around ?

in my situation my ex husband only sees our children once a month or so for an hour max. Unless they were so unwell they required a hospital visit then I don’t notify him of anything

"don't want to be accused of cutting them out of kids day to day lives, but also don't want to spam them with unnecessary updates"

Do you have the relationship with your ex that means you could ask them their views on this directly?

They see him 2 days a month, no over nights.

I notify about anything that requires time off school/nursery or a doctor appointment (or wjth my kids an allergic reaction). I do a handover message which is sent just before the time, if the kids have a cough or something I will then add that in.

My thought is if I would want to know, then I should share.

Doesn’t sound terribly involved - I wouldn’t bother unless serious. Only you know whether you will get hassle for not communicating, or whether such communication will be seen as a green light to harass you.

I have uninvolved ex and use a free coparenting app. I would put routine appointments in joint calendar bit of app and use the message function only for when info has to be shared eg sick on his days. It’s then up to ex to check the calendar or messages (the app sends him a notification there’s a new entry). If you get no replies or questions I’d probably then skip the routine stuff after a while. For older teens I’d expect them to decide what to share with their dad (or for him to ask them if he’s interested).

Based on 2 days per month….no I wouldn’t.
I agonised over this for a while and if im
honest it’s only in the last 6 months I’ve stopped with the updates. After his youngest was seriously ill in hospital and after I duly informed him I didn’t once hear back for several weeks asking if they were ok. Sometimes I have a wobble - it’s sports day season and I’d usually inform him of the dates. This is the first year I’m not going to bother. He gets a copy of the school newsletter.

Is he asking? Does he contact you on the 28 days a month where he’s not seeing them to ask how they are?

I don’t share school stuff or anything where he would get notified direct. I did for a while but it was a lot of effort and he clearly wasn’t interested. I would make sure school are aware they need to send stuff out to parents separately eg reports or parents evening invites. They are very used to this.

We haven’t split yet (divorce ongoing) but as it will be 50/50 I will share pretty much everything. It’s amicable though in our case so no issue with regular contact. We are both fully hands on.

For an ex doing 2 days a month they would be getting absolutely fuck all.

He never initiates any communication and replying to my messages from me can be hit and miss. At no point has he asked how they are, and only recently agreed to phone calls with the kids outside contact, after I raised concerns about DC being nervous about going. That's why I'm reluctant to add to the one sided communication, but at some point he will realise that he's losing/ has already lost the connection to the kids, and the narrative will switch to how I'm a big meanny stopping him from being involved, so I need to know I've always been resonable (even when he hasn't)

This is similar to my daughter’s dad. He just totally checked out. If he’s not asking, I’m not volunteering. Partly because I’m not his dogsbody and partly because he’s already doing next to fuck all, I’m not spoon feeding the rest.

As for the ‘being reasonable’, you are. You are doing 98% of everything. Him thinking you’re being mean for not sending him a blow by blow account of how the kids are all the time is laughable.

Presumably he knows where they go to school and can use the telephone and the internet and can sort out getting the information he needs about parents evenings and sports days etc. He also knows they have things like eyes and teeth and is capable of asking if they need him to take them to their eye test etc.

He won’t though, and it’s not your job to coach him into it.