How do you work out £ and children?!

[Piccalino3]

I'm currently separated from my husband but living in the same house, he will be moving out in August. We have 3 kids (11, 8 and 5) and I will be staying in the house.

I need to work out how we are going to split the house etc and who is going to have the kids when. I did see a solicitor in November but it was all very new, they have followed up saying I need to pay 2k to retain their services - the issue is I'm not exactly sure what they will do and if I need them.

Communication has totally broke down between my husband and I, and it'll all be down to me anyway to sort (a big reason in the failure of my marriage). I want to make sure it's fair for us all while protecting myself and the kids (who will be primarily resident with me).

I'm confused with how to move forward - do I use the solicitor? A mediator? Form E? A financial advisor?

My husband is a high earner but we'll be stretched across 2 properties. How do you work out child maintenance? I know there is the calculator but as a high earner does this even apply?

As always with these things there are several complicating factors when trying to work this out and I feel paralysed to take the next step, even though I need to get going because he's got a date for moving out and rather helpfully (or annoyingly) he's already filed for divorce.

I'm just so tired I can't see the wood for the trees at the moment. Any advice gratefully accepted.

How high is high ?

do you understand your assets and debts?

Are you both working full time. Can you both easily provide 50:50 care or do either of you shift work/travel a lot?

He earns about 170k pa, plus approx 60k bonus.
I earn about 50k but could earn a bit more if I pick up some more hours. I've never seen his payslip and he transfers money into the 'joint accounts' monthly. No idea pension but it won't be great because he's been divorced before (so it was halved) and he's taken money out of it a few times.

Assets and debts - I think these are fairly simple, I don't have exact figures for his. My plan was to start filling out form E. We both have rental properties but he is moving into his.

I've started a spreadsheet of all the costs I have associated with my house, childcare etc - but not sure what to do with this - how to decide what, we both have to live. Do we look at both of our outgoings and agree a figure?

It's complicated by the fact that he is quite a bit older than me - so has a limited working life left.

I can never drop off or pick up for breakfast/after school clubs as my job is an in person healthcare job which has a commute either end.

His house is a 1.5 bedroom cottage, we currently have a 4 bed, oldest child has SEN, the two younger different sexes, high cost area to live. Due to the size of his house he can't have the kids overnight. I was thinking of proposing I have them Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, he has them Thursday, alternate Fridays and then weekends - but they'd have to come back to my house to sleep.

It's a mess.

The divorce financials are one thing and for that you will both need to do full financial disclosure (aka form E) with 12 months of documents as the starting point, whether you go via court or not. Property/ other assets/ acts/ investments/ savings/ pensions - everything basically. This will help you work out net worth and mortgage capacity. Do this asap as some spouses try to delay it as a means of hiding assets/ bank acts (eg incriminating transactions that are older than 12 mths). You will need to find a way to communicate if you want to avoid putting things onto a court schedule. You can ask a mediator to help with this and jointly fund that cost. They can work through all the steps you need to take to reach agreement and to obtain a consent order. Get one who is an experienced family solicitor. You should appoint your own solicitor in the background to check your needs are being met and that any agreement is fair to you and the children.

In terms of maintenance you can use the CMS calculator to work out a fair contribution based on the number of nights they stay with the non resident parent and their income. This gives you a bottom line. Then on top, a kind, supportive parent might choose to share the costs of extras like hobbies/ uniform etc.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

I know a family that nests. Mum stays in house with DC one week. Dad lives in 2 bedroom flat they used to rent out. Dad stays in house week 2 with DC and Mum lives in flat. They switch on a Friday night always. They have done this for almost 3 years now. It means kids stay in own house all of the time and just parents switch. Parents are cooperative though.

You could use mediation? They will then help you work all this out :), and can sometimes draft out the whole financial consent order too.
You need to have the kids over 50% of the time usually to receive child maintenance.

I’ve been through this. You both have to attend MIAM - Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting. They will ask you to load all your incomes, assets and outgoings and help you to reach an agreement as to what is reasonable. If you can’t reach an agreement you can file to have a court hearing - that’s when you complete your form E. You can’t file with the court without having atttended a MIAM. I didn’t use a solicitor - the judge was very fair. We’re about to return to discuss pension sharing as ex doesn’t believe I should have anything 🙄