Not sure what to do or where to start…

[Hello1989]

Hello, hoping for some advice. I am a 35 stay at home mum of a 15 month old. Married for two years my husband has severe ADHD and has recently gone through a manic episode (diagnosed) that lasted for three weeks. He moved out during this time but hounded me and his entire family with abuse for three weeks blaming us for his anger outbursts. Doctors thought it was combination of his adhd medication and weed smoking insomnia etc that pushed him over the edge.

his family are very much supportive and because I don’t have my own family (elderly parents and only child) they have been my absolute rocks and totally support me in this time. The issue I have is that he’s back home having ‘come out of it’ but he’s managed to get a psychiatrist to prescribe him medical cannabis to take every day ‘forever’ he says. The levels of thc in this he proudly tells me are higher than the illegal stuff and I am being stupid telling him he can’t smoke illegal stuff if they ever stop prescribing him.

Unfortunately his personality he has a very very short fuse and his anger episodes if pressed last for days at a time, he’s always been like this but the recent mania has made it worse. He obviously has lovely qualities about him as well but right now I am thinking long term and is it better to get out now rather than later? I am worried it will make his mental health worse and the anger outburst worst. It makes me so scared I can’t eat around him sometimes. He’s not physical at all just shouts and won’t stop when you ask him too.
I am worried about our daughter, how would custody work? We own a house joint that was handed down to us only recently via his family it is in both our names but how would this work? Does anyone have any advice or any positive experiences with adhd and medical marajuana?

Sorry OP, but it won't get better. My eldest DS has ADHD and I love him dearly but I'm glad he decided not to have any DC because when his ADHD is bad he wouldn't make a good parent. Luckily his long time gf already has DC who are almost grown up now and also doesn't want any more DC. She has her own anxiety to deal with so they help each other and it seems to work. My DS has never smoked weed but has other medication to manage his symptoms. I'd recommend your DH gets medication for the ADHD. I think if you stay together he will likely always have episodes where the ADHD is worse, then periods it is better managed. I think over time it will impact your DC growing up in a house with your DH behaviour fluctuations. Personally, knowing as I do the impact of ADHD, I'd bail now for the sake of your DC and giving them a more normal upbringing. If the house is in joint names I guess it would be sold and equity shared. You say your in-laws are supportive of you. Make sure you keep them involved in your DC life. Personally I'd tell his family you tried so hard but you have to protect your DC from the impact. I hope your DC does not have symptoms of ADHD as ADHD has a strong genetic element to it.

Thank you for your advice, I do agree. He’s been on medication for 8 years but it was causing insomnia so he’s ditched it for the medical Marajuana. He issues he has with anger are my main concern as he just can’t seem to get out of it. My in laws are completely on my side and get how hard he is to deal with. My other issue is that I don’t have any money in savings and I’m a stay at home mum, I was thinking when my daughter goes to nursery 3 days a week I retrain as a TA so I have some income (teaching assistant) I am so scared of her being taken of me, but because he is prescribed drugs and I have emails and screenshots of him asking to be admitted to the priory as well as videos of when he explodes hopefully I would be rewarded custody, does anyone know of this? I don’t want to keep her away from him I already have thought she could have a night with him in the week and a day at the weekends as I love my in laws and they are the only sense of family she will likely get. So my question is do you think I should wait a bit longer until I have a bit more work experience and have an income again ( my daughter is starting nursery in three months) and just play nice until then or later this year..,

No. Protect your daughter and if you can leave now, do so.

Could you start nursery/training sooner? Would you in-laws be prepared to do nursery pick-up and drop-offs and/or be emergency cover if DD is sick and has to come home from nursery (if he father is incapacitated).

I don’t have any money in savings - what about him? It's all in the pot for consideration as part of the divorce. How long were you together before marriage? What did you do for work before you had DD?

I agree his attitude sucks. ADHD doesn't necessarily make you unsuitable as a parent - in some ways it can make you super-productive and it's great to be able to just blitz through what is in front of you, but that won't be everyone all the time.

Does the fact that he is prescribed legal weed and uses illegal weed have any impact on custody? He isn’t a bad dad but he doesn’t wake up to her even if the baby monitor is on he will sleep through, forgets things like changing her nappy giving her milk so I’d be concerned to let her spend more time with him than one day a week. I totally get that I should get out now but I do think I have to be a bit smarter financially as I can’t even afford legal fees yet. He does shout around her but I take her into the next room if he’s in a rage and put on ms Rachel to distract her. His parents know I am on the verge of leaving. Unfortunately she is one of 6 grandkids and the grandparents help so much but can’t do all the drop offs so I can’t rely on them until she starts nursery when I can do my TA training (I have already contacted local schools and because I have 15 years of corporate background in recruitment I’ve been told I’m a good candidate combined with being a mum) gosh it’s such a hard position I feel so lost

And sorry no he has no savings part of his adhd he spends all the money he gets (sorry I do have savings prob more than him but not a lot it wouldn’t cover any type of fees!)