Co parenting / contact and communication advice

[Sleepymumx]

Hello everyone,

This will be pretty long, however I will try my best to explain. I’m hoping for some advice in general terms and/ or formal terms for a hard situation that I feel out of my depth dealing with.

I am mum to a 6 year old boy, who lives full time with me and on average sees his father once per week - no set day, Saturday or a Sunday and no set timings.

Seperated from childs father over 4 years ago, my decision as I felt it was best for my son due to a bad relationship.

Childs father predominantly works away and therefore, contact has always been minimal due to this however I have always felt this is best approach as I believe any increase in physical contact would have a negative effect on my son.

My son is awaiting assessment for autism and also suspected ADHD and PICA.
also, at times severe worry and anxiety however is very bright pleasant and is able to live a relatively normal life with extensive support from myself.

I have always fought for dad to understand his emotional needs however there is zero understanding and a lack of bond there really however my son does want to see him.

Around 4 months ago, a disagreement took place between me and dad, after dad insulting my son’s hair cut, I stood up for him and this resulted in dad becoming angry and driving off from contact. He blocked me and I have mostly been unable to make direct contact since.
the next time contact took place, dad told my son he will never come to his house again and since, contact has been via his parents, however I am continuously chasing to find out whether he is / when he is seeing his father sometimes not finding out until late on a Friday evening which results in me over compensating when my son is let down or making excuses, not to mention, him being in complete unknown all week with regards to what he is doing each day, and when/ if he will see his dad.

pick up/ drop off for contact has been done by dads parents who take my son to his dad.

this is out of the ordinary for my son, and after being told his dad will never come to the house again, over time he has become worried / anxious and unsettled over this which has now resulted in severe anxiety around where people are (family etc) and separating for school etc.

I continue to work with health care professionals and support services to help him and recently reached out to his dad via email to discuss the ongoing issues which resulted in him screaming at me down the phone .

since then (3 weeks ago) he has not seen his dad. His parents can’t get an answer out of him regards contact.

I have invited him to a co parenting app to communicate around 3 weeks ago, however he has not complied and I am in the progress of completing a parenting plan through the cafcass website.

my son is constantly asking where his dad is . And when he will see him and I am constantly making excuses and lying to him to cover.

does anybody have any advice on how I can deal with this both in terms of my sons mental wellbeing and formally, in terms of having some form of structure around contact with dad

I suspect he will not respond to the parenting plan also

sorry for this being long and please do not judge. I am a very supportive and loving mum and look after my son well day in day out. We have a great relationship and I want to help him in any way and the best I can

thanks for reading

Just stop trying to get this man to engage. If his parents can't contact him, what makes you think you can? I would stop covering up for him to your son. Tell the (age appropriate) truth if he asks. "Your dad isn't good at keeping in touch." And deflect. Don't tell your son if his dad says he'll get him at a certain time, especially if he then is disappointed.

I agree with previous poster. Your ex simply doesn't want to parent your child and is making no effort to do so. I would stop chasing and focus your energy on your son and explaining things in a way he can understand. You said there was no real bond there and with his additional needs he needs consistency and regulation which your ex cannot provide.

Currently, it's not in your son's best interest to pursue this relationship.

What's the risk of ex just turning up and expecting to have a visit? Or does he only turn up when pressured to do so?

Do his parents have any relationship with your son, do they see him independently of your ex?

Yeh I agree. I think you need to carry on as if dad isn't going to have contact, and explain to your son using what was said above. It is horrible for your child, just remind him that he has done nothing wrong and that you love him very much. Unfortunately it doesn't matter if the court order the contact, they can't force him to show up.

If/when he communicates about contact i would be stating the same time very week, so chopping and changing. If he doesn't accept that then just stop answering and if can take you to court if he likes.

It isn't fair on any kid tk not know when they will see a parent. However I do believe it can be extra tricky wjth a neurodivergent child, my son is also. He needs the routine and the info to know what is happening as a way to support him. He would be happy not knowing.

I'd send an email to both ex and parents stating that DS will be available at 10am Saturday, subject to him confirming at least 7 days in advance (or whatever time works for you)

If you don't get confirmation, make plans and go out

If he says he's coming, but doesn't show, wait 15 minutes then go out