New to divorce. Help

[thatsthatsaidthemayor]

After 5 months of me trying he’s gone. My biggest question at the moment is what to do with my time. I have no family. No job, I stayed at home with the children. They have grown up and gone. Very limited friends. I just don’t know how to fill the evenings and weekends. I mean like every single day! I know the obvious answers that I can do occasionally but it’s so much time to fill. I have clinical depression and ADHD and I just don’t like being on my own. I’m 51. My motivation also isn’t very good due to the depression. I am on meds. I’m on day 2 of break up. I should be ok financially.

Do some volunteering, you often meet nice people, get a job, get a hobby. I know it's hard if you're depressed but try to push yourself and reap the rewards. Good luck.

Thank you.

I’m sorry to read your story, that sounds very tough.

In the medium term you will no doubt want to get a job, but you need to tackle other things first.

You need a timetable to structure your day. Schedule all these good things that you know will help you, like doing an exercise class online, praying / meditation / some other spiritual practice, cooking good food for yourself and getting outside every day.

My advice is that you DONT consider if you feel like doing these things each day. Because that way you might not do anything and slip into depression. You need to do them each day because they are on your list / timetable .

Even if it’s only for a short time - you don’t need to start training for a marathon but at least you can walk around the block each day. You don’t have to do a full face of make up and blow dry your hair , but at least floss your teeth and put on moisturiser.

It’s fine to start small and build up.

Think about what kind of volunteering you would like to do and send off some emails making enquries. Choose charities / good causes that mean something to you , whether that’s animals / kids / the environment etc . Apply for lots of things as many will fall through / not reply / you won’t like it or the hours won’t suit.

Its hard to suggest hobbies / interests / sports without knowing more about you, where you live ( city, suburbs / rural ) etc. For example, I walk with my local Ramblers group, some members do two walks a week. With travel to and from (plus a few drinks in the pub after ) , that takes up the whole day. It’s very cheap, about £3/month.

Lots of them also play sport several times a week . But some people would hate that . What do YOU like ?

I second volunteering. Something you care about. Wildlife, homelessness, group nature clean ups etc.

Also maybe join a walking group. Good for your mental health. Good for meeting people.

I agree. This is what I need to do. X

Firstly you need to find a full time job
this will give you a sense of purpose and fill your time

second you need to find things you enjoy - a hobby, walking, exercising, reading,

third - get comfortable on your own just pottering about

day 2 is very fresh !

these things will take time.

I’m a similar age and my husband left a year ago. My young adult children are still at home and I’ll be honest, I think I’d be lost without them so I feel for you.
As well as my children (who are very good to me but do have their own lives to get on with), my job has been invaluable to me over the last year. It’s long shifts and pretty tiring but I do like being with the people and it gives me a sense of worth.
I obviously know nothing about you but I would consider getting a job even if you don’t need the money. Do something where you’re mixing with others who are happy in their work. It will be sociable, give you a sense of worth, structure and some extra money to do something nice with, maybe go on adventure that you never would have considered before X

I understand that a job would help but I just don't have the bandwidth yet. I have no CV.

Why don’t you have the bandwidth?
you can do volunteering in a charity shop/ part time in a cafe / work in a supermarket etc

Because I am fresh out of a psychiatry unit and have been depressed. he left me that week. I am. trying to surround myself with friends and do any basic activities that I can. it's just so hard. Every minute on my own is painful.

Just wanted to say hi. I’m newly told I’m to be divorced. I’m 60 and disabled. He has gone away for a birthday weekend with our family and I’m sitting here thinking the same thing.
i agree about non negotiables like getting out each day. I have built back up to my usual level over about 6-8 weeks.
but I need to get comfortable with pottering. My kids are grown up and have left home?
im very angry but it comes in waves and I think its because he didn’t ever become the man I hoped. Our marriage wasn’t the best but I was used to it.
im starting some new things and hope you find the strength to do something nice for yourself.

Thank you. Yes it comes in waves. I fewer like I've been used like a brood mare. I really believed I was going to get my happy ever after and ow the rug has completely been pulled from under my feet.