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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Please help me leave him

6 replies

Jellybeangirl · 27/05/2025 16:02

Hello,
I need advice and help.
I need to leave my husband. He is narcissistic, he abuses me mentally, he cheats, he scares me.
Our daughter is now on the receiving end he has started being awful to her too. He hates women that are opinionated he calls her the c word and makes her cry. I've taken it for so long but now I need to take a stand for her.

I only work part time, full time isn't an option. I struggle with my mental health. We have a mortgage of £140000 both of our names are on the mortgage. I love this home, my daughter loves this home. Will I need to give it up?

I have no family that I'm able to lean on I moved out at 16 to move away from an abusive father. I started working in shops as a cleaner etc to get by so I have no qualifications to get a better paid job. Please help

OP posts:
Pleaseshutthefuckup · 27/05/2025 16:06

You've actually taken the biggest step here by recognising and acknowledging that he is an abusive narcissist.

My first suggestion is to call Women's Aid for advice. Because you need to plan.

Your home means nothing with this dark cloud over it. Another home can be yours. You can access Child Maintenance from him if he is working. You can access top up support financially.

Start using a secure internet search engine called Duck Duck Go. You can install it on your phone.

Pleaseshutthefuckup · 27/05/2025 16:08

Whilst in a position where you need to plan and feel you can't immediately go, it's worth looking up Dr Ramani. She gives fantastic advice for all people in relationships with narcs, including those who can't leave straight away.

You need to work on hiding your true emotions from him and get planning behind his back.

Seek legal advice possibly. Solicitors will give a free half hour to begin.

Original poster
Jellybeangirl · 27/05/2025 16:12

I've managed to squirrel away a couple of thousand pounds without him knowing incase I ever need to get up and go
He's never actually hit me but has punched holes in walls and makes me feel worthless daily
He then love bombs and buys me my favourite things I hate being in the house with him it's such an atmosphere. We've been together since 17 and I'm approaching 35 I've never been with anyone else I feel like it's impossible to let him go and move on.

OP posts:
Pleaseshutthefuckup · 27/05/2025 16:32

Jellybeangirl · 27/05/2025 16:12

I've managed to squirrel away a couple of thousand pounds without him knowing incase I ever need to get up and go
He's never actually hit me but has punched holes in walls and makes me feel worthless daily
He then love bombs and buys me my favourite things I hate being in the house with him it's such an atmosphere. We've been together since 17 and I'm approaching 35 I've never been with anyone else I feel like it's impossible to let him go and move on.

Part of the difficulty is the psychological part. You're going to be traumatically bonded to him.

I have significant problems with emotionally abusive narc family members. I've had and do have extensive therapy. What has been amazing for me is watching endless videos like Dr Ramani. On Facebook, they have loads of great speakers who understand this. Watching and learning gives me strength and insight.

With no other good people or good influences it's so difficult for you. You're vulnerable to his love bombing and trying to hoover you back in.

This man is an abuser. He is dimming your light. He is trying to harden your beautiful empathetic heart and he won't ever ever stop it or change. They cannot do it. You can't argue or debate with them.

Excellent you have savings. You need a plan and is there any person you trust in your life who is good and kind? Who hopefully isn't connected to him?

Original poster
Jellybeangirl · 27/05/2025 16:39

Pleaseshutthefuckup · 27/05/2025 16:32

Part of the difficulty is the psychological part. You're going to be traumatically bonded to him.

I have significant problems with emotionally abusive narc family members. I've had and do have extensive therapy. What has been amazing for me is watching endless videos like Dr Ramani. On Facebook, they have loads of great speakers who understand this. Watching and learning gives me strength and insight.

With no other good people or good influences it's so difficult for you. You're vulnerable to his love bombing and trying to hoover you back in.

This man is an abuser. He is dimming your light. He is trying to harden your beautiful empathetic heart and he won't ever ever stop it or change. They cannot do it. You can't argue or debate with them.

Excellent you have savings. You need a plan and is there any person you trust in your life who is good and kind? Who hopefully isn't connected to him?

Show quote history

Thank you for the reply.
After his last affair I sought counselling and he moved out. He managed to emotionally manipulate his way back in and I'm so mad at myself I allowed it.
I have a couple of close friends to support me emotionally.
It's the money side of things that are worrying me the most. Plus I also feel like I hate him yet why don't I want to see him be with someone else and treat them better than he has me?

I feel like I ran away from an abusive father and he saved me only just to turn out to be the exact same man

All of our neighbours and people we work with thinks he is a saint and tell me how lucky I am to have him he has everyone fooled

OP posts:
Pleaseshutthefuckup · 27/05/2025 16:55

Start re training your brain by watching and absorbing videos and information. Dr Ramani is the best.

Your description is totally normal. It took me 40 years to go No contact with incredibly abusive sibling of mine.

You are kind of spellbinders atm and it's only by seeking truth elsewhere and being around good people who believe in you that you grow.

Do your friends know? If they are not connected and trustworthy I'd start telling them what he does. I'd keep your plans to leave very close to your chest. He will try everything to stop you.

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