All routines and rules up the wall since separation - aargh!

[herethereandeverywhatnow]

My separation is pretty recent (under 2
months) and brief backstory is that we left the family home after years of escalating verbal and emotional abuse.
The children are 9 and 6 and are spending time with their dad but more than 50% of the time are with me in our rented (shabby, small) flat. The issue is that since we moved I’ve let all routines and rules slide, the first few weeks they were allowed to watch as much TV as they wanted, snacks at all hours, my fussy child wasn’t made to eat a single vegetable, going to bed way too late, etc etc. I’ve also let lots slide as I don’t have much motivation - still haven’t completely unpacked since we moved and I’m not keeping the flat clean and tidy. For clarity, the children are fed, dressed in clean clothes,brush their teeth every day, going to school etc but I just feel like I’ve set a precedent and it will be really hard to get them out of the constant iPad/tv stage and back to actually playing with their toys, reading books etc as well as curbing the sugar intake and eating more balanced meals.
When we were in the family home their dad was massively demanding about rules and their routines (no TV on school days, and never before 6pm, no snacks, clearing their plate at dinner -
same meals as us etc etc) which was a huge source of tension between us. There was no such thing as a lazy day at home, we always had to go out for walks or outings and be “productive”
with our time. Also i was expected to keep on top of all the cleaning and tidying on top of working full time and doing 90% of the child related stuff (even with all the weekend outings), so it was natural that once I got away from him there would be a change. But actually it’s driving me mad! I don’t want to just let everything go, and it’s not feeling relaxing/relaxed as I thought it might, as I find it hard to be around the mess, clutter and chaos! This morning the children spent bloody hours on the iPad, helped themselves to kinder eggs as a morning snack and are now playing some crazy game and possibly destroying the living room while still in their pyjamas (at 11.30), and I’m just sitting on my bed letting them get on with it.
I don’t know how well I’ve processed the trauma of the last few years and leaving him yet and do wonder if this is all part of it, and I’ll get back to being more motivated at some point.

This came out longer than I wanted, but I suppose I’m just looking for either reassurance that this is normal, or suggestions on how to find some balance?

Sounds like you’re not happy with the situation? Holidays can be different but general kids like structure and routine so they know where they stand.

Big life changes. Don't be so hard on yourself, but it doesn't have to be all one thing or another. Start introducing changes that will work for you, so what irks you the most? The time wasting, the mess, the food choices? Start with introducing changes around those. One thing I would say, is the longer the bits you don't like continue, the harder the will be to implement when you do if the children have gotten used to it.

Not happy with it right now, no, but I also couldn’t keep up the way things were before we left! I was working myself into the ground and the children were given no freedom at all. At the beginning it was the Easter holidays so of course there was less routine than normal anyway, and yes I’m totally with you that children do like routine so I suppose I just need to find a balance that works for us.

I wonder if you might like the Lazy Genius podcast by Kendra Adachi? I find her great when it comes to thinking through complicated feelings, weeding out what’s important to you, and figuring out how to move forward.

One of her recent episodes was about screen time and it caught a lot of the nuance and complications and the weight of judgement. It strikes me that you need to figure out your own expectations otherwise when you try to enforce a boundary and get pushback from the dc, you’ll be battling the ghosts of your ex at the same time. Kendra has a gentle, judgement free energy that might resonate with you.

Thank you @Blahdeblahahaand that’s a really good suggestion. I think the incessant tv watching would be the main thing for me, as there are other issues that stem from this, like no time to do other things (though when I’ve got no energy or motivation to do anything with them it’s a godsend!). And yes my worry is that the longer I let it go on, the harder it will be to change as they’ll just think that this is the status quo when they’re with me 😕

@Blobbitymacblobive never heard of this so will definitely check it out, thank you so much! It certainly feels like these are complicated feelings as I don’t know what sort of a parent I want to be - I know what I don’t want to be (one extreme or the other - ie totally regimented or complete chaos) but it’s hard to find what that looks like in real life!

Maybe start a thread in parenting asking people what rules and boundaries they have in place.

I’m a sahm with a DH and at least one child has ASD so what works for me may not work for you. I have to be strict on screen time. We go with 30 mins screen time at 5 while I make dinner, this way I get to cook in peace and listen to a podcast. Somes it’s longer but I don’t tell them.

For sweet stuff I’m fairly chilled and say 2 sweet things a day, this includes what ever they had for school dinner.

I really want to start a daily family tidy time but my oldest doesn’t always have the mental energy for it.

Are you off this half term? If yes, I would get them up and ready for a 9 and say they can play or screens if you’re having with that until lunch time. You can crack on with unpacking and in the afternoons you can go out.

Good luck, there will always be something, for example, I would rather mine watched TV more rather than mindless YouTube 🤣

@herethereandeverywhatnow firstly I’d suggest don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re adjusting and working out a whole new situation.
your dc are of an age (certainly the 9 year old) where you can chat/negotiate about making changes. Perhaps start off explaining you have been in Easter holiday mode a little bit too long.
ask for the dcs ideas/wishes for outings?
small steps to start - perhaps decide you will all be washed/dressed by 10 or 11 on weekends? This could be positive, time for a bubble bath in the morning or whatever works for you.if you are struggling with motivation what works for me is to have a decent (easy) breakfast already planned and some good coffee. Maybe take the dc to local supermarket Thursday or Friday after school get them involved in choosing healthy options for the weekend. They could prep fruit for all of you? Serve with pastries,scotch pancakes, yogurts?
perhaps you will plan ahead for the week/month with suggestions for going out. Some basic stuff as well as more elaborate outings that need money?
might be simply park trip, McDonalds, out for ice cream, local museum etc.
set a generous screen limit ask the dcs what time of day they’d like it. For example an hour in the morning then put away then watch a family friendly show early evening?

@Nomorecoconutboosts you don't have to set the time of day, you can just use the family controls on the tablet to set a limit and then if they use 15 mins in the morning they only get 45 mins later on, family controls will allow you to set allowed hours too, so mine aren't allowed to be on screens before 8.30 or after 7pm and have a time limit of eg 1 hr within that

It takes time. Don't be too hard on yourself.
When my ex left, it was the start of the summer holidays and I'd just had DD, so it was a completely chaotic situation anyway. DS watched a lot of TV and had a lot of tablet time during the first few weeks. I spent a lot of time getting used to having DD and we were just very chilled about everything. Didn't know whether ex would come back or move or whatever. Everything was up in the air.
Slowly, I've moved back to some boundaries. We're nearly a year in and quite a few more changes have happened in the past few months. It's been very difficult for us all. DS still spends too much time on the tablet sometimes but on the whole, it's a lot better by now.

I've kept bedtime the same. I settle DD and DS joins us at 8pm. We read together until 9pm, every evening without fail. He's not allowed on screens before school. He has breakfast before we leave (at 7.15am) and we walk to school every morning. That won't be possible anymore once I'm back at work but I'll drop him further from school and he'll walk from DD's nursery then. It's shorter but I feel the walk in the morning is good for him. He also walks back home from school in the afternoons (we're abroad, it's normal here).
We're eating together in the kitchen instead of in front of the tv, and I'm trying to cook healthy dinners. He's also been signed up to several sports clubs and I'm trying to keep him busy. When DD naps, I try to make sure we play together and spend time just the two of us.

This has taken a long while, though. It's still not perfect but what is? There will be more changes once I'm no longer on maternity leave.

Hang in there. You'll get it sorted out how you need it eventually.