Should I let ex have kids overnight?

[Questionfortoday]

Name changed because this is outing.

Would you let your ex have the kids overnight if he refused to tell you where he lives?

I split with my ex just over 3 years ago. We never married and have 3 children (13, 11, 7). During our relationship he was very abusive - there was sexual and physical violence, he took drugs, and he sunk me into debt. We had frightening, vicious arguments in front of the kids (he would wreck the house) and home life became so terrible that I eventually sought help and thankfully he no longer lives with us.

I have since found out that he was regularly meeting with prostitutes throughout our relationship and spending thousands funding his addictions.

Life is so much better without him!

However, Ex is still very angry that I kicked him out, and sends me regular messages about how controlling and awful I am, how I’ve ‘stolen’ his children and ‘his’ house (we jointly own it still but I pay the mortgage). He genuinely believes that he was the abused party and tells the children I was the abuser.

He pays absolutely nothing towards the kids - literally, not one penny in three years! - despite best efforts from CMS and despite seeming to actually have money (for example, he bought our two eldest new iPhones and a PlayStation5 recently). I’m working all the hours I can to make ends meet.

Social services were initially involved and said I must support contact with the kids. So I have. He refuses to commit to a routine, so they see him every two to three weeks for a few hours in our local town. It’s quite ad hoc when it suits him, but the kids seem happy enough with this arrangement and it’s been ticking along ok. I doubt he could tell me the names of the children’s schools or who their friends are, but he could at least tell me what their KFC order is and the names of their favourite footballers.

However, he has now said that he wants to start having the kids overnight. He point blank refuses to let me know where he lives - it’s none of my business, apparently? - and the kids have never even seen his place. They are not keen to stay overnight with him (especially the youngest one) and I don’t want them to. The thought of not knowing where they are absolutely terrifies me.

What do I do? I keep wondering if I’m being unfair and controlling, like he says, by saying no. I know he misses them and his mental health is suffering. Social services aren’t involved anymore and I don’t have any family so I can’t ask them and I don’t know what to do. Yesterday he said that I’m breaking the law and is going to have me arrested for keeping his kids away from him.

Sorry this is long I actually don’t know where to turn or what to do. Does anyone have any advice?

No advice but I absolutely agree it is not right to allow your children to stay overnight with him when he won't even provide his address to you. JUST NO.

He doesn’t have to tell you where he lives. This with his previous behaviour

His previous behaviour, exposing his children to him smashing up the house, substance abuse etc would make me refuse overnights on safeguarding concerns.

The kids don’t want to stay over.

You are supporting contact. It’s taking place in a public place which helps somewhat with the safeguarding concerns.

I would let him take this one to court, don’t suggest it though, leave that idea up to him - if he can be bothered. If he does I would ask the judge for a section 7 Cafcass and section 47 (if police have been involved as I agree there’s an increased risk behind closed doors). I would ask that he passes a drugs test and is tested for excessive alcohol. Not sure what sort of help you sought but if it was formal and with external agencies that should help.

Child’s voice is important. The wishes of your older kids would be considered. Your youngest is only getting older and a judge would at least consider their preferences at any age. They aren’t refusing contact - they are having regular contact but are happy with the status quo.

It doesn’t mean that overnights won’t be approved. If they are though I’d ask for powers of arrest should he fail to return them at the agreed time.

He would have to take it to court first and that will take time especially if reports are being done.

Not a chance in hell I would let my kids stay with him. He sounds very unreliable. Also if they aren't happy going then that should be enough

Didn’t quite catch the last edit in time. Last bit to add is that I definitely wouldn’t send them overnight unless it was court ordered.

Okay thank you that all helps so much and I’ll keep saying no. He’s been threatening court for 3 years now but nothing has happened so far.

The gall of the man. He won’t buy them school shoes or help to feed & house them, but buys himself a new car and demands more access. The system is crazy.

Just adding another not a chance in hell - no way would he have them at all ever if I didn’t know where they were. Get advice OP- feels like a very scary man tbh. Stay safe xxx

Let him take you to court then - hint, he’s extremely unlikely to! He can then explain himself in court, including the no maintenance thing!

your children will be asked about their opinions on overnight contact and whether they want it. The views of your elder two will be important to the court. He will also have a home visit from a court officer (cafcass) to check he has a suitable environment in which for the children to stay. He’ll have to provide his address to the court so you are likely to find it out that way.

Edited to add info, good luck OP 💐