Next steps when you decide to end the marriage with teenage children

[Howard1414]

I have decided to end my marriage and separate after 18 years. Neither myself nor my husband can afford to run the family home solely (even with benefits) Therefore we will need to sell the house (which could take months)

The atmosphere is extremely toxic and my husband has brainwashed my teenage children (17 & 14) into thinking I’m a selfish, horrible mother for making this decision and breaking up the family.

I need to get away but at the same time don’t want to leave my children in the influence of their father for any longer than need be. He’s already sowing the seed that I am suicidal and am not safe to be around because I’ve come to this decision

I have suggested we both live in the house 50/50 whilst the other stays with a family member until the house is sold which he refuses to do.

He has removed all expensive and personal belongings, identity documentation including the children’s passports, birth certificates from the family home too to be in more control and manipulate

He has threatened that the children will live with him full time (to which the children are agreeing too) so I won’t be able to obtain any financial aid. In his words “if I ruin his life, he’ll ruin mine”

Im just in total limbo which is causing me great anxiety!

I want to start looking for properties but need to assess what i can afford rent wise! If my children have been manipulated to stay with their father then I can’t possibly afford a three bed property! I have always said custody would be split 50/50 but he is refusing. He keeps insinuating that I’m not mentally stable all because (understandably) , I ran from the house crying on one occasion after being ganged up on. He says as he works from home and I work full time the children would be better off with him.

i can’t afford a solicitor and I don’t qualify for legal aid. Please help

I don’t have advice other than believe in yourself and in what you know to be true. Others will give advice but I wanted to say I am sorry and to give you 🌷 🌷 🌷.

You are going to need a solicitor to sort out the financial side.

At least try Citizen's Advice. I do think you'll need a solicitor eventually or he'll make things even more difficult for you. The children sound to be of an age where they can choose who they live with.

Women’s Aid. And start making your peace with needing to pay for a solicitor.

Your children are old enough to have a conversation with and for you to explain your position. It’s natural to side with someone who appears the wronged party, and it’s very hard to not drag things down to their level by trying to counteract their arguments. All you can do is show them you are not unstable and are making the decision for valid reasons.

You say they side with him…how is this manifesting itself? You need to address this. My STBX has been on a continuous campaign of my mental instability, evidenced by me seeing a counsellor and taking anti depressants. He has ‘interviewed’ my friends and family and apparently they agree, although I’ve yet to hear anything other than genuine concern and understanding from them.

If you do need to leave them with him then you just have to show them you are ok. They are too old to be manipulated for long if you are open and honest with them. Explain that feeling overwhelmed and crying is a natural response. People have emotions, it’s what makes us human!

I would usually say don’t bring children into it but on this case I’d say absolutely talk to them

dont t bad mouth their dad but just say, you understand he’s hurt and scared and reacting accordingly but what he is saying is not true.

then see a solicitor to ensure you are not guilt tripped into not getting your fair share