Co parenting gone to shit already

[Em1988x]

Brief background, been together since 15,17 and together 22 years, married 6, two dc 11 and 8. Years of unhealthy patterns (gambling, had to sell house, binge drinking, nastiness and few altercations when he was drinking) so few ago I checked out, and told him I didn’t love him anymore, but he wouldn’t let me go, kept saying he would go off the rails with his drinking if we did and it wasn’t fair on kids if we split up, so I stayed and then eventually in early March I said no more and I was looking to get another house for me and kids. I agreed to let him remain in house with us whilst he saved money for a mortgage deposit. He then discovered I was seeing someone new and so naturally hit the roof. It was a work colleague and we had been friends for years which developed into more once seperated, but ex doesn’t believe that and doesn’t think we were seperated now.

lots of emotions have gone through the past month, I couldn’t go back to work as he wouldn’t allow it, I’m not wfh, we started counselling, but I asked for trial separation 2 weeks ago, so he’s moved out. We told the kids we may get back together and seeing how it goes. It’s been very cordially, up until last night. Ex had day off work and was mean to have 11 year old dc for sleepover and pick up for 3.30, he never showed so after ignoring my message, dc called him, ex answered and dc immediately came and told me he was drunk. Went into his room and he was crying but trying not to show it. My heart broke for him. But it’s not unusual to be let down when drinking is involved, although it was more me that felt it whilst together as I protected the kids from it and made excuses. Now my kids are suffering it. I called him and yep, slurring words, said he was coming to get him, in his car! Not sure what world he thinks I would let my child get in a car with a drunk person

I feel immense guilt and feel like it’s my fault he’s been let down. If I tried harder at the marriage then we might not be here.

He messaged at 5 and said he was back home. I messaged him back explaining dc wouldn’t be going to his because he’s drunk and best we arrange for Sunday. Didn’t hear back and got message at 9.30, which went along the lines of I’m a fucking bitch and have ruined his life. He’s broken and it’s all my fault. He didn’t let him down, I let him down because I was seeing someone else, no one knows why he didn’t turn up (basically means because he hasn’t told the kids I cheated) but dads a dick and likes a drink and that’s what everyone thinks. There were a lot more after this and finished with I’m broken, I’m going now. This got me worried but he wouldn’t message back or answer.

I feel to blame for it all and I don’t know what to do. I feel like just going back to him just to save my kids this misery. He says he won’t let him down again but I’m not so sure on it. I told him before we seperated that he would have to stop drinking but he said no, he shouldn’t have to and I shouldn’t want to change him. Drinking has always been his downfall and the cause of majority of our problems. I get major anxiety when I know he is drinking, what mess he will be in, what he will say or do or whether he will come back home (often would be gone all weekend)

You are not to blame.

You've done well to get away from him and protect your kids.

None of this is your fault.

He is an adult who is in control of his actions and behaviours and it sounds like he may be alcohol dependent?

Personally I'd be looking at my options legally in terms of protecting the kids and ensuring any contact he has with them is safe and supervised until he's sorted himself out, but don't hols your breath on that one.

It sounds like you’ve made the best decisions you can for your dc. Don’t buckle now it’s emotional abuse , your dc know what’s happening even if you shelter them ( similar background to my mum with us ).
if he gets abusive get a non mol to protect and give you space

I split from my ExH 13 years ago when my DD was 8 years old. She and I now have a great relationship, she and her Dad (ExH) have a tricky relationship.
What went well?
I worked hard to help her to feel secure with me. I made sure that we spent quality time together and that I listened to her. Initially I worked with my ExH to agree childcare plan together so that she saw a united front. When I meet someone new her introduction to him was very slow and we had been together 5 years before we all moved into together.
What went badly?
ExH introduced the OW after 3 days and started the blended family right then. He never spent any time alone with DD, the OWs DD was always there too.
When DD was with him she would stay at his house, OW's house and her grandma's house as an adult she has said she never knew where she would be and felt unwelcome everywhere. ExH would also cancel or change previously agreed childcare arrangements leaving DD with OW and her DD even in the first weeks after he had left.
Things would have been much better if ExH had kept his new relationship and DD separate for at least a few months so ExH and DD had a chance to establish their new relationship together. Also he should have thought about a Childs need for stability and security.
I have other friends who divorced, but both parents worked really hard to ensure that the children felt secure and stable. Any new relationships were pursued in the time they did not have the children - until they were confident that it was a keeper. Both of them worked hard to build their relationship with the children.

None of it is your fault, and you don’t need to still cover up for his failings as a father. It’s hard to see your DC come to the same conclusions that you have but he is a grown man and at some point has to be held accountable for decisions he is making. Your DC have you, and therefore will be fine.

Don’t fuel the tantrum by giving it attention. You will never convince him of anything other than what he already believes. Don’t go back to him. Move on, support your DC through it, go into work, build other relationships so you have your support too (nothing wrong with seeing someone new if it is kept separate to your DC). Leave him to the life he has chosen for himself and get on with yours. You have wasted enough on him already.

He is still a piece of shit and you still need therapy.

I do need therapy on my own. I just feel like a broken record. Not sure what therapy can do now we are not together.

I feel to blame, hard not to, I think that is just how I always feel.

Tbh I fear for the safety of anyone new I would meet. He’s said many a times over the years and recent that he would never let me be with anyone else. If it was just me then I wouldn’t be bothered but have two kids in the mix of it. I would have loved nothing more than to start over with the guy I work with, we’re compatible, he respects me, doesn’t drink, and above all, we are great friends, but any shot at that now is gone 😟

The focus of your post is your relationship with him. He is alcohol dependent, probably an alcoholic. Whatever his relationship with alcohol means you have no ability to help him or form a functional relationship with him. His presence in your life is toxic and destructive.

But more than that his presence in your children’s life is toxic and destructive. The focus of your post should be about your relationship with them and protecting them from him and everything he brings to their lives which is problem after problem.

I am not going to beat about the bush even though you will be feeling bad enough but you need to be honest with them. They know something is very wrong in their lives. They will see how much he lets them down. They will see you enabling it by letting him live with you and them.

Your split is going to be very toxic and destructive. Be prepared for your children to find out about your relationship with another man because your husband will almost certainly tell them. And it will most likely be when he is drunk and nasty.

You are all going to need therapy and help. There is help for the family of drunks. Because it is recognised that alcoholism leads to codependency and enabling behaviours which are equally destructive.

The therapy is for you. You have been abused for years and do not know what is normal.