Will I always feel like this?

[Onmyownwith2]

My husband of 14years, together for 17 years walked out our family home at Christmas. After months of asking him to be honest with me he finally confirmed he had been having an affair with a much younger work colleague. He moved straight in with her and her young son and hasn’t looked back. Said he loved me but wasn’t in love with me. Said we had become like roommates, which just wasn’t true. I think he told himself that to feel less guilty. Told me he started sleeping with her after their work colleague was tragically killed in a car accident and that before then it wasn’t physical. I keep looking on the internet looking for answers. I seem to be in this constant cycle of asking myself will his relationship last? Was it due to mutual grief that they slept together? Does he regret what he’s done? Does he feel guilty for the pain he’s caused me? For the pain he caused our children? The list of questions goes on and on. Reading threads of other people experience trying to find the ones where the husband says it’s his biggest regret, none! I’ve written him a couple of emails asking him questions but nothing, he just ignores the questions and says he will only answer about our children. When will the need for answers stop? When will I get out of this cycle?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. What you’re feeling is completely valid - the shock, the hurt, the endless questions. When someone you’ve loved and trusted for so many years walks away like this, it turns your whole world upside down. You’re not alone in asking yourself all these “whys, they’re the questions so many of us torture ourselves with after betrayal.

It sounds like he’s taken the easiest path for himself, not necessarily the honest one. Saying he “loved you but wasn’t in love with you” or that you were “just like roommates” feels more like an excuse to ease his own guilt than a fair reflection of the relationship. Unfortunately, people often rewrite history to justify their choices.

The truth is, you may never get the answers you’re looking for. Not because they don’t exist, but because he may not be willing or able to give them. That doesn’t mean your pain isn’t real or that you don’t deserve closure because you absolutely do. But sometimes, closure has to come from within, not from the person who hurt you.

The need for answers fades slowly, often as you begin to shift the focus back to your healing, your peace, your future. It’s not easy, and it doesn’t happen overnight, but it does happen. You won’t feel this way forever, even if it feels never-ending now.

Be kind to yourself. You’ve been through something life altering, and you’re still standing. That’s strength, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

I’m so sorry, OP. I don’t really have any advice but I went through similar when my partner left me without any answers a few months ago. It’s amazing how they can suddenly switch off and as it’s as if their conscience doesn’t exist anymore. I have read seen many threads though in which the husband regrets it and does try and come back. Some people take them back and some people don’t. I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time and I’m sorry your husband is treating you so coldly. That for me is what hurt the most - that after so many years, my ex “D”P could suddenly switch off all feelings, leave me so easily, and never give me any answers. I don’t know if he was seeing someone else - no OW has emerged a few months down the line - but he treated me as if I had had an affair and left him and is being horrendous about money now.

You might have to accept that you might never get the answers you’re after, which is really hard. Have you got a good support network around you IRL?

And it’s worth getting a half hour free consultation with a solicitor so you can understand what you’re entitled to and gain some control back of the situation.

Also I agree with the PP, he may not be willing to give you answers because it means he has to face up to what he has done. And he might not be able to cope emotionally with that. I’m not saying that’s an excuse but sometimes it’s easier for the person who cheats to project feelings of anger and blame onto someone else rather than accept the blame and guilt themselves. It means they would have to face up to what they’ve done and they can’t handle that.

I think him saying he will only answer questions about the children now is very unkind. After all those years, he owes you a proper explanation and, if he’s not willing to give you one, he’s either cruel or emotionally stunted (or both).