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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

When to tell DCs - I have to wait don’t I?

18 replies

Doitforthekids · 23/05/2025 07:26

After years of issues and months of knowing but not acting, I finally asked H for some time apart last weekend. He’d not been expecting it but said he would move out.

I didn’t know I’d definitely say it. But now I have I want it to happen yesterday.

DCs are 17 & 15. Oldest is mid A-levels. They finish mid June. Youngest has y10 mocks the following week. Straight after that oldest goes abroad for a month.

I know there’s never a good time. But I don’t want either youngest to feel like we don’t care about her exams (I know they’re only mocks but she’s taking them seriously so I want to as well) and then don’t want the oldest dealing with it on her own a long way from home. I’ve also lived with this for a long time. A few more weeks in the scheme of things shouldn’t matter.

But it does. So what do I do? I think I know but would love to hear what others have done.

OP posts:
londongirl12 · 23/05/2025 07:27

I would wait. You don’t have want to ruin their exams.

YSianiFlewog · 23/05/2025 08:11

Can you tell the eldest quietly as soon as their exams finish? It doesn't feel right to tell them before they go away for a month, but I also agree that you shouldn't tell the youngest before their mocks.

Good luck OP x

millymollymoomoo · 23/05/2025 08:56

You wait. And in the meantime do not give any indication of it

okydokethen · 23/05/2025 08:58

I’d worry ex will tell them so check that won’t happen first

JoeySchoolOfActing · 23/05/2025 08:58

I would talk to them together after all of the exams and the trip

JoeySchoolOfActing · 23/05/2025 09:00

okydokethen · 23/05/2025 08:58

I’d worry ex will tell them so check that won’t happen first

Hadn't thought of that, that's a really good point.

Good luck op, you've done well to make the decision

Koazy · 23/05/2025 09:07

Do not tell them mid exams under any circumstances. It would be really unfair.

pizzaHeart · 23/05/2025 09:13

In a situation like this would your ex be able to behave as nothing happened but still civil enough so not to provoke more disagreements? Most of man I know won’t survive more than half a day,
Also do you think DC suspect something? Will they be upset? And what they will be upset about? I know it’s a strange question but depending on atmosphere and how deeply their dad is involved they might be relieved. From the other side they are old enough to worry about possible practical implications, e.g moving house. It might hit them much harder as it’s an obvious consequence from their point of view.

QueenOfToast · 23/05/2025 09:44

Back in the 1980s my parents split up. They decided to wait until after my O’Levels and my July birthday to tell me and my sister. On its own this would probably have been fine. However, when giving us the news, my mum mentioned that they had known for a while but decided to wait because of the exams and birthday. For some reason, this has always annoyed me. I don’t know if it’s because I felt guilty that they’d had to wait for me before they could do this. In fact it still rankles now.

I was actually pretty relieved about the break up and would definitely have been able to deal with it during my exams. However, if it had been my younger sister doing the exams, it would have been upsetting for her.

I think it’s fine to wait to tell your children if you think they’ll be upset or anxious, but try not to put any feelings of responsibility onto them by sharing that their schedules are the driver for the date of the separation (even though that’s true!).

Original poster
Doitforthekids · 23/05/2025 10:28

Thanks all. That’s what I thought. Tough for me but I don’t want them to bear any of it. I’m sorry that’s stayed with you @QueenOfToast

@pizzaHeart I don’t know. He’s a bit shell shocked now to be honest. And he’s being amenable to moving out. He’s also booked for some counselling we spoke about him having months ago. It’s all too late for me though. And I don’t know if he’ll stay amenable. Could see it getting nasty (there’s been emotional abuse and anger issues throughout our relationship)

OP posts:
Original poster
Doitforthekids · 23/05/2025 10:36

And then there’s the holiday… Booked for late Aug but some of it we were doing more for him. Now he’s not coming we could do what the rest of us wanted in the first place. But how would I explain that?? (Not the biggest issue in the whole saga I know).

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 23/05/2025 10:39

Doitforthekids · 23/05/2025 10:28

Thanks all. That’s what I thought. Tough for me but I don’t want them to bear any of it. I’m sorry that’s stayed with you @QueenOfToast

@pizzaHeart I don’t know. He’s a bit shell shocked now to be honest. And he’s being amenable to moving out. He’s also booked for some counselling we spoke about him having months ago. It’s all too late for me though. And I don’t know if he’ll stay amenable. Could see it getting nasty (there’s been emotional abuse and anger issues throughout our relationship)

That’s my point actually. He is ready to move out and do counselling now, fine but would he be in a month? I don’t know.
I know the general consensus is don’t disrupt exams but in my view it very much depends on the family. My father moving away during my exams would be a relief and excitement for me. He had drinking problem and wasn’t involved in my life at all. DH just going away for work during exams would be a big disruption for our DD but they have a very close relationship and he is heavily involved. So I don’t think it’s so simple as wait for the end of exams always. I would rather say go for the more civil option, do it on a “nice wave” it would look better and less disruptive for DC.

rivalsbinge · 23/05/2025 10:45

Yeh wait, I’m in a similar position and have waited for 2 years due to life stages of the DS

Original poster
Doitforthekids · 23/05/2025 13:09

Wow @rivalsbinge - 2 years! How has that been for you?

Over the last few months I’ve wondered about keeping going till youngest A levels, or even GCSEs next year. But I can’t do it anymore.

In a way it will be easier for me if he stops being ‘nice’. It doesn’t affect me anymore. Obviously I don’t want it to be difficult for DCs.

OP posts:
BookArt55 · 23/05/2025 20:29

I would wait, I agree wjth you. However, i hope dad follows your lead. Because I would worry with emotional abusive people that once the initial shock eases and it becomes real they may say lots of different things and not handle it wjth the kid's as the priority. Maybe just have a think about how you would explain it to them if he handles it badly..
Well done for ending it, so hard, but you've done the right thing. Wishing your kids luck in their exams and you all the support in the world for the next steps.

shizgigz · 23/05/2025 21:00

I was in same situation last year… we waited until the last exam was finished, horrendous as it was.

didn’t make the task any easier but I was not going to make the situation harder by fucking up exams.

Original poster
Doitforthekids · 23/05/2025 23:03

How are you now @shizgigz? How’s the last year been? I was on a bit of a high this week from actually telling him. But now it’s feeling tough. DC (15) was talking tonight about a holiday she wants to persuade him to go on. I didn’t know what to say.

OP posts:
Original poster
Doitforthekids · 27/05/2025 10:04

Just coming back to say I’m struggling with his reaction - though not for the reason you might expect. We talked again yesterday - and he’s just going along with it. He’s not arguing at all - not about his behaviour, it’s impact or even that he should move out (after exams/trip).

It’s just a bit weird.

OP posts:
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