How do you go about finding a good divorce lawyer?

Pikachu150 · 2025-05-21T08:59:44+00:00

Hi, How do you go about finding a good divorce lawyer? DH has just blindsided me by saying he wants a divorce after 30 years of marriage. Things haven't been good lately but still thought he would make effort to improve things before calling it a day. It's really bad timing as I think I am about to be made redundant and due to disability and my age (late 50s), it's going to be really hard to get another one. I can't help but feel the timing is not a coincidence. The fact that he told me just before my daughter was due to visit has made it even worse as she is in the middle of her university exams and he knows I will force myself to pretend everything is normal until she has finished the exams. He had a heart attack last year and says he wants to remove all stressors from his life and apparently our marriage is one of them. He is being very cold. We have been together for about 35 years and even though I knew in my heart he had checked out it is so hard not to think of how things used to be and that I may not see him again.

abracadabra1980 · 21/05/2025 10:35

I'm sorry you are going through this-I'm 25yrs down the line (and the happiest I've ever been but it took a while (few years) to get here).
Just have a Google or use ChatGPT-it's fantastic at helping you find things out and giving you rough costs, or explaining things you don't understand. If you have no money up front, ask if you can pay from the settlement, but remember every phone call/bit of time,
is charged for. You will be entitled to half of everything- nothing less. I finally managed to look at it like this:-
I was ok before I met you,
therefore, why wouldn't I be ok after? I am now more than OK, probably the happiest I have ever been. I changed careers, so job satisfaction and flexibility was much better, re-married (that didn't work out either but for different reasons and we are still friends, unlike exH1, children's father who is despicable, so proves not all men are wicked in conflict.. I also have a small business and several are customers who are in the higher end of the medical field like Orthopaedic surgeons, Consultant oncologists etc.. and one said to me once, "life builds scars", meaning both physical and mental. I've never forgotten that. As we age, everyone will experience loss, grief, emotional shit and other difficulties. There is no escaping these things.
I look back now at what I thought was the perfect family, the perfect home, the perfect MIL/FIL and it was all a load of crap. My best life is now-where I live alone with my dogs and I am finally being 'me'. It's ridiculously liberating. My DC both negotiated the split successfully and are emotionally stable high achieving human beings. Life can be ok again. Good luck moving forward X

UnemployedNotRetired · 21/05/2025 11:48

It's probably better to lose a job now rather than a year after the divorce is finalised -- sorry not much comfort.

Do check first that the marriage cannot be repaired, e.g. through counselling.

If divorce is inevitable, then you need to be thinking about what happens to any housing (sold and split? one buys out the other?); savings; pensions; other assets. For a long marriage, a 50/50 split of money is a starting point and then you can think about variations for needs.

You are generally expected to think about things first, or with a mediator, if things are amicable enough. If not, then a solicitor. But only go to a solicitor once armed with information about the assets.

I assume no children of dependent age to consider.

Original poster

Pikachu150 · 21/05/2025 19:20

abracadabra1980 · 21/05/2025 10:35

I'm sorry you are going through this-I'm 25yrs down the line (and the happiest I've ever been but it took a while (few years) to get here).
Just have a Google or use ChatGPT-it's fantastic at helping you find things out and giving you rough costs, or explaining things you don't understand. If you have no money up front, ask if you can pay from the settlement, but remember every phone call/bit of time,
is charged for. You will be entitled to half of everything- nothing less. I finally managed to look at it like this:-
I was ok before I met you,
therefore, why wouldn't I be ok after? I am now more than OK, probably the happiest I have ever been. I changed careers, so job satisfaction and flexibility was much better, re-married (that didn't work out either but for different reasons and we are still friends, unlike exH1, children's father who is despicable, so proves not all men are wicked in conflict.. I also have a small business and several are customers who are in the higher end of the medical field like Orthopaedic surgeons, Consultant oncologists etc.. and one said to me once, "life builds scars", meaning both physical and mental. I've never forgotten that. As we age, everyone will experience loss, grief, emotional shit and other difficulties. There is no escaping these things.
I look back now at what I thought was the perfect family, the perfect home, the perfect MIL/FIL and it was all a load of crap. My best life is now-where I live alone with my dogs and I am finally being 'me'. It's ridiculously liberating. My DC both negotiated the split successfully and are emotionally stable high achieving human beings. Life can be ok again. Good luck moving forward X

Thanks. It's good to hear that you are happier now! I like the "life builds scars" comment.
It's hard to think that I was okay before as I have been with H since my early 20s and was in a long term relationship before that. I have to admit I didn't think our marriage was perfect though (mainly because my soon to be exH is often in a very bad mood and is not that nice to me). I should be pleased about splitting up really and hopefully I will start to feel that way soon. At the moment I just feel so rejected as he hasn't even given a reason for wanting to split up apart from he would just be happier.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pikachu150 · 21/05/2025 19:29

UnemployedNotRetired · 21/05/2025 11:48

It's probably better to lose a job now rather than a year after the divorce is finalised -- sorry not much comfort.

Do check first that the marriage cannot be repaired, e.g. through counselling.

If divorce is inevitable, then you need to be thinking about what happens to any housing (sold and split? one buys out the other?); savings; pensions; other assets. For a long marriage, a 50/50 split of money is a starting point and then you can think about variations for needs.

You are generally expected to think about things first, or with a mediator, if things are amicable enough. If not, then a solicitor. But only go to a solicitor once armed with information about the assets.

I assume no children of dependent age to consider.

Thanks. Our children are adults fortunately so don't have to consider custody. DH has said that it is "too late" for counselling and that he definitely wants to split up. I hope we can be amicable enough to divorce via a mediator. He is being nice at the moment (probably because he feels guilty). I hope I can get a bit more than 50% if I can't get another job due to my health and disability especially as he is now a much higher earner than me due to the fact that I did most of the childcare when my children were younger.

OP posts:

Whiteflowerscreed · 21/05/2025 19:43

Being cold suddenly makes me think there’s another woman. Have you read The Script? If so does it ring any bells

Original poster

Pikachu150 · 21/05/2025 20:35

Whiteflowerscreed · 21/05/2025 19:43

Being cold suddenly makes me think there’s another woman. Have you read The Script? If so does it ring any bells

Yes. I have been wondering for a while if he is seeing anyone. He said "no" very quickly when I asked but he would do that anyway as he wouldn't want our adult children to think badly of him. He says "when would I have time" which is pretty ridiculous given he works long hours (or so he says) and goes out walking and cycling quite a bit too. He also stays over night on work conferences and visits friends overnight quite a bit. He has always done that but it does mean an affair would be very easy. Unfortunately I haven't got a clue what his phone or computer passwords are and he keeps his paperwork in his office so impossible to find out. I am never invited to anything either.

I suppose it makes no difference to the end result but I would actually feel a bit better if he wasn't just dumping me to live alone after so many years.

OP posts:

speyside · 23/05/2025 13:10

lawyer first step or mediator if married only 5 years and not worked or contributed is split halved also not uk citizen got visa last year all paid by partner.
child of 3

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 23/05/2025 16:02

Ask on here for recommendations for a SHL ... Say what county you are in.

Start to get evidence of savings, pensions, investments - perhaps take your half out now of savings?

If you are being made redundant can you get yoyr work pension then?

Get a CETV of all pensions- ask him to do this also as it can take a long time.

Good luck!

speyside · 24/05/2025 14:42

recommendations for SHL in London or kent for short marriage and partner never worked