Informing ex of school events

[eustoitnow]

How much do you keep ex informed of school events for children? It’s summer so sports days are coming up. Previously I’ve dropped him a note to say when but this year I don’t feel like I should….im not his bloody PA! For context Divorced from ex husband around 3 years. His choice to leave (if that matters) he couldn’t hack a busy family life. He’s moved away (about 2 hours) no job and doesn’t seem to be putting much effort into finding another one and so no maintenance now either. Pretty sure school has his email address from when we originally did all the information forms when kids started school so he must get the electronic newsletter but doesn’t read it. Is it my responsibility to check he gets it and then remind him?

Absolutely not. I would tell him once that you won't be informing him anymore, so he needs to keep an eye out for newsletters etc. And that's being charitable.

Why would you? First answer says it all.

DH and I are married and we have found that occasionally they will only send something out to 1 parent. It’s typically when a teacher is sending something specific to your child or a very small group of children instead of a class wide or school wide message. When the teacher is picking up emails from the address book, they often fail to grab multiple for a child, which I can understand happening when they are busy. So those messages I might see if you can check if he is included on the recipient list, and if you can’t, just forward a copy as a courtesy.

the blast emails I would not bother.

Thanks all. I feel like I’ve carried on many aspects of our married life post divorce even though he really shit on our children and me from a great height including managing his diary when it comes to the kids events. I didn’t want it to come across as petty as he may think it coincides with maintenance stopping

It's up to him to read the newsletters and emails he gets sent.

Just make sure the school knows to send him communication re any school events, as well as you.
Then don't give him head space.

It doesn’t matter how the school communicate to parents. If he wanted to find out what was going on at their school he would. It’s not your job to facilitate this. The bottom line is he doesn’t care enough to make the effort.

Thanks! I don’t really have anyone to talk to to navigate the nuances of post divorce. My parents despise him and so their advice can be very one sided

Get him to ask the school to be added to the mailing list and leave it at that!

Thankyou! I’ve forwarded him last weeks newsletter and have said to confirm with school he is on the electronic mailing list for school event dates

What is best for your kids? My ex and I always let each other know about school events just incase the other one has missed it. He's much better at staying on top of life admin than I am and it's better for our 2 sons.

Yes this is part of the dilemma. My eldest wouldn’t be fussed either way if he turns up or not
the youngest are probably too young to notice since he sees them very sporadically as it is

Agree with PP that the only thing that matters here is whether the DC will be upset if he doesn’t come. I completely agree you shouldn’t have to be his PA just because he’s not organised (and presumably this is a part of why you are now divorced!), but if I thought my child was going to be hurt and upset by his dad not showing up, I’d be the bigger person and send a quick text or email.

Absolutely do not take on this responsibility. Or you’ll be telling him when school hols are, trying to sort any hol contact, you’ll be the one that has to inform school of anything and taking on the full mental load. You wouldn’t expect him to be telling you when sports day is so why should he? And if he did think it was petty, who cares? Another reason to nip it in the bud now is that otherwise it builds up years of resentment which is not good for any of you

@3within3
yes I agree
although I already take on the full mental load! He does no overnights - packed up 20 years together and left almost overnight leaving with me year old twins and an older child and I’ve been doing it all alone emotionally and physically since. And now financially…..and I’m finally done x

I always told my ex-h of everything once as the school only recorded one email address as primary contact for things like letters and newsletters. I would forward the exact information I had when I received it and after that it was up to him.

That is exhausting, I really feel for you. But ultimately, he’ll be the one who’s missed out. You reap what you sow 💐💕💪🏼

Same here....without the tinnies

But no, I refuse to be his PA and so it's up to him to get on the schools mailing list.

My kids were 6 and 3 when we split up. I forwarded EVERY SINGLE communication from primary school. He attended ONE sports day, as superdad. (Fortunately I had a fleet of PTA parents to keep me distracted as my support crew)
Once they got to secondary I told him that the school request written authority to send duplicate emails - he didn't bother so he never got anything. He could have got everything but chose nothing.

He can get himself onto mailing lists. You're not married any more - you don't have to manage his diary for him.

I would email the school requesting that all correspondance, letters, emails and texts about school events or the individual children are sent to both parents and include your name, relationship to children emails and number and his. That way its not your responsibility and he can't claim that you've tenured to forward educational information or alienated him from the children.

Can your children get in touch with him if they want him to attend events? Email /text?

My eldest can the twins are too young to have their own devices. My eldest is going through a stage st the moment of wanting nothing to do with him which has been tricky to navigate even though he barely sees the children anyway

@TerrifiedPassenger

thanks! Yes he absolutely miraculously shows up for the public facing parts of parenting - like nativities (and previously sports days) and then disappears again but only because I’ve generally kept him up to date with when they are. Now I can’t be bothered. I have enough to deal with with him stopping all CMS pretty much overnight.

I forwarded him the newsletter and followed up with a message to say it’s on email and up to him to note important event/dates. He never replied! If he asks when sports day is I’ll just reply and say it’s on the newsletter

My ex is like this,he will message me saying "oh you didn't tell me so & so" he will see pictures on the FB page or something & I just say well it's on the app which you have as well as me,that's where I get my information just like you, conveniently enough he never sees when something needs to be paid like swimming or school trip etc