When to divorce? Plus mediation or solicitors?

[Wolbutter]

I'm looking for experience and opinions on moving things on. STBXH said he wanted to separate, no discussion or change to reconcile about 2 months ago. He's in the process of moving out to a rental house. We are paying for everything from joint accounts and he has agreed the house won't be sold at least till the kids are 18. (4 years).

I think I have two questions - is it important to get moving asap on the divorce? On the one hand I cannot face it and on the other I want to plough straight on. I just don't know if there advantages to moving quickly or waiting.

Also is it worth going through mediators or straight to solicitors? We are not in conflict and he says he wants to do the right thing but it's complicated (mixed assets, long marriage, income disparity though we both work). When I look at mediators they say you start with what you want and then negotiate. How do you know what you want/ what you're entitled to? Might be better to just ask the solicitor to do it, although she also told me to think about what I want. I want what I'm entitled to, just don't know what that is!!

So the questions are - divorce proceedings asap or wait? And mediation or solicitor?

I would pay for an initial consultation with a solicitor to see what I should be expecting to get financially and then go to mediation to try and obtain it.
Solicitors are extremely expensive, so if you can sort it out amicably you’ll be better off.

In my experience you need both, solicitor first then they can recommend a mediator. I’d get it over and done with asap Including the financial settlement - don’t want all the I know going on for years

1. Do you want to sell the house?
2. if you sell how will equity be split?
3. What is the custody arrangement?
4. Any other assets that need to be split?
5. is he paying maintenance, if so is it child maintenance or will there be a spousal element as well?
6. pensions

they are the main things to consider OP. Can you both afford to live separately? Do you earn similarly or has one of you supported the other one’s career which has resulted in lower earnings. It’s good to get it sorted as quickly as possible IMO. I’m currently going through similar (about to come out the other side) so happy to answer any questions.

A solicitor will advise whether you need mediation.

It is always useful if you do some research and have some knowledge and information before you go to a solicitor. They charge by the hour for everything. It is therefore cheaper and more effective if you can get to the point.

At the moment you are married and have been for a long time. All of assets and liabilities you each own as individuals or a couple are shared. They belong to you both as a couple. They now need to be split up. They aren’t split up on the basis of contribution. They are generally split on the basis of need. Although that depends on the level of assets.

Your needs broadly fall into the following categories

1. A place to live with your dependents. Take note that once your children reach 18 they are no longer dependents and won’t be taken into account legally. Right now you may need to 3 bed home. Once they are 18 you need a one bed home.
2. Pensions. Once you retire you need an income and you are entitled to half of the pension provision you saved as a couple whether individually or collectively. Pensions are nearly always assumed to be subject to equalisation unless there is an age difference.
3. Quality of life. Do you have enough income to live off. If not could you have enough income if you worked FT and claimed benefits. If the answer is no, then you may need financial support. As a lump sum or as spousal support.

It is very easy for women to fall into the potential trap of deferring house sales or foregoing pension sharing to “keep the house”. But it is often a trap.

This is where you need to think about what you want. Deferring house sales close to exams reduces disruption for children. But if they don’t need to change school it’s not the end of the world to move somewhere smaller. You then have a home they can return to from university or live in until they can get their own place.

It is better to take on a mortgage in your own right sooner rather than later. It enables you to retire as soon as you can.

Having a reasonable pension is a necessity.

Things you can do now

1. draft up a list of marital assets and liabilities.
2. get an understanding of the local housing market where you are or where you might want to move to.
3. think through how long and how much you want to carry on working.
4. work out what quality of life you can afford and aspire to.

That's brilliant, thanks so much everyone for the information. I saw a solicitor straight after he first made his decision but she laid out the process and the options in quite a broad way. For instance the mediation / solicitor option but I couldn't tell what the best would be. I think our situation is quite complicated so it may be that I just need the solicitors to handle it.

As for whether to wait a while or not it seems like it's best to get going. It's all so difficult especially when waves of anger or sadness keep happening.