Seperation - child management legalities

[MMRa]

Hello everyone,

I am going through separation with my partner and have two kids 15 ( boy ) & 5 ( girl with neurodiversity Sensory processing disorder and Attention deficiency )
Partner is pushing me to keep both kids, find a 3 bed and also take all responsibility. I am yet to initiate mediation.
I am really confused what will be best for my 15 year old, as he is very much at an age where I feel Dad should take more responsibility for him as he is having his GCSE next year, college etc and also at his age, I feel Dad should be there for him more.

Will it be wise for me to tell in mediation that Son can live with Dad ( of course I want my son to have the freedom to come and go at my place whenever he wants )
I am really fixed because emotionally I feel son should be with me, but working out everything with how partner is behaving ( as if running away with no accountability ) I should ask son to stay with him. Pls advise what would you do?

thanks

Your ex can't be made to do childcare.
You risk you DS feeling rejected if you say, no matter now nicely, you don't want him. This will ultimately be worse for him to mentally navigate.

I agree that you want to be a bit more subtle here. Absolutely push that it is in DS's best interest to have substantial contact with his father (likewise DD, assuming that's also in her best interest). I would not push DS's primary home being with his father unless that is DS's clear preference and it's in the form of 'I would love to have you with me more, but you're old enough to have a say, and I support your wishes'. The last thing you want is for him to feel you're rejecting him.

And as @onceuponatimeinneverland says, dad can't be forced to see the children, so unfortunately, if he's not interested, it's not happening. Some men become more interested in having the children when they realise it reduces their child maintenance payments – opinions may vary on whether or not that's a good thing.

Dad doesn’t want to live with ds so you risk him being neglected and allowed to do whatever he wants because it’s easiest for him. Whatever he wants could be gaming all night then not going to college, smoking, doing drugs, petty crime…

Legally it’s up to your son who he lives with and how much he sees the other parent. He’s allowed to even say zero.

I understand why you think that as a boy he needs his dad more but if he’s not going to role model being a good man then you risk your son becoming depressed and angry through the neglect.

Nobody will force your ex to have the kids and if he wants he can say zero contact. Realistically he could set up a new home, never see the kids and just have random friends and women come round as if he’s a uni student. His only legal responsibility is to pay CM.

If you force him to see the kids then there’s a real possibility that he’ll act really badly so they beg you to never have contact with dad and he gets his way.

Thank you @skkyelark @onceuponatimeinneverland
my whole objective is to ensure that my son who is so much involved with Dad doesn’t feel that he is loosing that support.
I have asked my son, and he responds that he doesn’t mind whom he lives with. I feel guilty for asking him. I feel sorry that he has to make this decision. Can he have a say if what all support he would like from his Dad? Can that be considered in mediation?

If his dad doesn't want to be involved or support his DS then it could be considered but is quite likely to make no difference at all. Mediation agreements are not binding so his dad could basically agree to anything to get you off his back and then back track outside.

Bottom line is his dad can't be made to do/offer anything.

Maybe think about just ripping the plaster off and not building expectations

I totally get the guilt that this is even a question you have to ask your son. It's very hard.

That said, at 15, DS is old enough that his opinion should be taken into account, and also old enough that it is generally better to give him a chance to decide what he would prefer and express it than to just tell him what is happening.

Unfortunately, if dad has no interest, that trumps everything. He can't be forced to parent, or even to open his door to DS. If it's genuinely looking likely that dad will try to walk away with no or minimal contact, I'm afraid all you can do is try to support DS through that. Try to be very clear that it's about dad, not about DS – that won't stop the feelings of rejection, but you can try to minimise the damage – without bad-mouthing dad (great fun, that balancing act). Also try to make sure DS has other good role models and sources of support. Sports coaches are often high on teens' list for trust/respect, so if he's involved in a sport or other hobby, I'd prioritise continuity there if at all possible. Any other involved male relatives who might be willing to step up a bit?

Your teen ds needs a dm!! Ime more than a df like the one he has.....
Please don't even contemplate leaving your ds to his df....

Thank you everyone for posting. So, what I understand is that even though the mediation will be discussed and legally bound, partner could still ditch it. Well, what can a legal system do, if a Dad is not acting responsible. Is there no way to make these agreements more legal, so that if he breaks he could be legally held up for that.

This is to the best of my understanding, but I am not legally trained:

Legally, he has to pay child maintenance. (In practice, this may be difficult if he's self-employed). Beyond that, no, legally he cannot be compelled to see or otherwise parent his children. And would it actually be in the best interests of the children to force him into their presence if he's going to make it clear he doesn't want to be there (or worse)?

The way the legal agreements work is that the children have to be 'made available' according to the days/times in the agreement. The other parent doesn't actually have to take them.

Where the legal agreement does have some force is to create a stable structure that lets both parents plan activities and outings around a known pattern of contact. If the children aren't being made available when they should be, that can be enforced. Or if someone has been dealing with an ex insisting they'll have the children as and when suits them, a legal order can stop that – there's no obligation to make the children available at other times.

Another thing that can be done is if one parent is not keeping up their side of the contact, lots of missed/late handovers, evidence of that can be used to apply to change the order – useful to reduce the uncertainty for the children and to get child maintenance adjusted to better reflect the reality of the children's living patterns

I understand not wanted ex to walk away scot free to lead a easy breezy life.
However, day to day who is there for your son? Who will care, love, nurture him?
Dad may play a big role in son's life, but i worry here that dad will neglect your 15year old, and because you encouraged dad to live with son, that your son may feel abandoned by you too.

No matter what legally is put in place, no one can force that man to be a good dad. Keep your son with you, enjoy the last few years before adulthood. Dad will either step up or be a dick, but at least your son will have one strong, consistent parent.

OP, when I got divorced, my ex made a great song and dance about having access to the DC while we were in the process of divorcing - then barely saw them once we were divorced. My DS was 14 at the time, and initially said he wanted to stay with his DF - I was heartbroken, but felt v guilty about the divorce (I had instigated it) so told my DS it was his choice and he’d always be welcome at my house whenever he wanted to come. Happily he saw sense and came with us in the end. There is unfortunately no legal way to make an irresponsible parent responsible, and if you think your DS would have a more stable home life with you, then I would go with that, while making clear to your DS that he can visit his father whenever he wants. If your partner is pushing you to take both the DC, I absolutely would - apart from anything else, surely it’s better to keep the two of them together? Good luck!