Husband doesn't understand why we're getting divorced

[WhoisMary]

Married nearly 27 years but unhappy for at least the last 12 of them. I nearly left 10 years ago but the children were young and I just felt I had to keep going.

Last year I started working on myself and realised I needed to act.

We'd been living like housemates for years, no intimacy or physically contact (not even a hug) - his decision, never asked me whether I was happy with that - and I felt lonely and undesired. I was the main earner, despite having asked him to step up to the plate more on that to take some of the pressure off me. I also managed pretty much everything re the children, including a son with ASC who was out of school for 18 months and had an eating disorder - I did all the legwork on this to fight for a school place and get him help for the eating disorder - and a daughter who had cancer treatment last year. I felt unsupported and exhausted.

Just after Christmas I told him I was very unhappy and did not want to be in the marriage anymore. Cited all of the above. Said I was done. He said he wasn't happy either and agreed to separate.

But now I've started divorce proceedings, he's told our daughter (23) that he doesn't understand why we're getting a divorce. He would I think quite happily bumble along in a loveless empty marriage for the rest of his life! I do think there's an element of fear on his part that he will actually have to earn a living and take some responsibility, but that's his responsibility not mine.

How do I handle this?!

I know! The weight of responsibility to do what was expected by everyone is something I've been in therapy about for a few years now - hence why I'm finally acting.

I can’t imagine that this made for a very happy family home OP

make the change now. Your children will be happier to see their mother happy for once!

I masked and shut down.

My daughter telling me last year that she knew I wasn't happy and I needed to do what was right for me was quite a wakeup call.

He doesn’t need to understand.

You need to focus on your future.

Kods know these things - not I would suggest to your children that they are not to be go between, and tell you things he is saying etc - you need to clear your head of additional drama

The children knew OP.

so you’re still living together?

Don’t say it, his behaviour and feelings are his to deal with. This is why you are leaving him.

The dilemma is your children still have him in their lives. All you can do is equip them to deal with his grief over the end of the marriage and whatever behavioural issues he may have had.

You are far too conflicted to be of any help so don’t.

It is very likely your children will go through a lot of dissonance over the split and their childhood. They may not see things the way either of you do. That’s their right and you need to step back and let them process things. It is better to take responsibility for what you did or didn’t do than to put them in the middle of a blame game between you and your ex. And you will have made mistakes because we all do.

I am being very very careful to not assign blame to one of us more than the other. Things are amicable at the moment and we are trying hard to keep it that way, especially for our son who is still in his teens and will be living at home for some time yet.

We are giving them space to process, but equally I have said if they have any questions or worries that they want to voice, I will address them the best that I can.

My daughter has a therapist (for other reasons) and is able to open up to them about her feelings. My son finds that difficult but I have gently suggested we can find similar for him if he would like someone to talk it through with.

Don’t deal with it- he can say what he wants to your daughter. It’s for her to say she doesn’t want to engage in divorce talk with him, if that’s how she feels.

You’re divorcing which means he isn’t your problem any more.

Repeat- he isn’t your problem any more.

You need to get moving on that divorce and don’t live together op

this sounds messy and unpleasant

I'm autistic, I understand why I got divorced.
His comprehension of the situation is not you problem OP, stay strong, it's a hard push emotionally and physically but it is absolutely worth it for the peace and lightness you will have afterwards.
You could suggest to your daughter, and maybe your son too, that they can uphold their own boundaries about how much they want to hear about it all from both parents. You daughter is allowed to tell her dad-and you too, that she isn't the person she should be speaking to about their feelings.

This does not sound like a relationship where living together until divorce comes through is remotely in children’s best interests op. (Or indeed anyone’s)

He could understand, he just won’t. Mine is the same to an extent. He’s been on an eternal quest since I moved out in October to find a reason why I’m going. I’ve been sent pages of research he’s done, explanations for my behaviour and how we can fix it. He seems to have overlooked the letters I’ve sent him with it all in black and white!

He knows perfectly well.

He isn't taking you seriously, because he's a man and you're a woman. The idea that he take you seriously is insulting to him, because he's a man and you're a woman. Most of us have been there. Move on. You'll be so much happier when he's gone.