how to tell kids when the separation isn't my choice

[IsThisLifeNow]

Hello, how do I tell the kids basically? a month ago my husband told me he'd slept with another man and that he was gay. I made a thread about it at the time but got it deleted after it turned a bit feral.

Kids are 6 and 3 and I am terrified of telling them. ex is still living at home, but in the spare room, we've told them its because of his snoring. Were in the process of getting the house valued, with the idea that it'll go on the market soon. We are getting on ok, still eat meals together with the kids so have a good front put on that we are still friends.

But I don't know what to tell them. I know its best to put a united front on, but I don't want this separation, its not my choice, but I know its got to happen because I can't stay married to a gay man, or to someone that would lie and treat me like this.

The kids have never seen any arguments or anything. I very much wish this wasn't happening and deep down I don't want to get the blame for the breakdown of my marriage, its not my bloody fault and yet it feels like its going to be

You put your own feelings aside and do what is best for your children. They are very young, they do not need to know who’s choice it was, who’s fault it was, why you’re separating, all they need to know is that mummy and daddy are separating, you both love them very much, and you’re all going to be very happy just in two houses instead of one.

Vent to your friends/family/therapist about your feelings about the separation, how you didn’t want it, but do NOT bring any element of that whatsoever into any kind of conversation with your two very young children.

@Mrsttcno1post has it spot on. The separation sounds like it’s inevitable so you might as well try and split up as amicably as possible and try and remain on as good terms as possible. You have every right to be angry but try and look ahead and think about what is best for the kids.

Might counselling be an idea for you and your husband so that you can try and work out how best to manage your relationship during and after you split?

Why d you want to tell them that? I don’t mean that confrontationally, but actually. What good does it do them? They’ll see when they’re older and dad’s dating blokes what the case is. Now they’re so little, the message is ‘adults sometimes fall out of live but we never stop loving our kids’. And act accordingly.

I am sorry, it is shit for you. :(

Personally….i had a similar aged eldest child and no way did I want my name coming into the conversation when I told them their dad was leaving (youngest were babies) - so since he was too much of a coward to be there when I did it I said daddy wasn’t happy and was going to live somewhere else but he still loved them and would still see them. Absolutely No “we “ or “me and your dad”

Oh God, bless you. I am so sorry.

Right. Your kids are SO young and will not be interested in apportioning blame. Stay kind and warm and demonstrate to them - and everyone - that this is an amicable split and that you are both putting the children at the centre of everything.

Meanwhile, get into counselling to help you let out your entirely understandable disappointment, pain, anger etc etc - and grief for the future you had envisioned. Do this so that you have a safe space to vent and download and can actually function the rest of the time.

I wish you courage and strength through a difficult time. Peace and happiness on the other side.

First post nails it. In short, you don’t tell your kids why. I’m pretty sure when they are older and their dad is a gay man, they will work out why the marriage failed.

We had a horrible split up (different reasons, an affair). We consulted a child therapist and she advised that we should not tell the DC (who were 6 and 8) the reasons for the split. She said this would be too damaging for them to think of a bad parent and a good parent,,especially as we intended to have shares custody.
So her advice was to keep it neutral.

Mummy and daddy don't love each other any more but we both love you very much. Xxxx will be moving to a different house and we will make sure you get plenty of time with both mummy and daddy .

That sort of thing. It worked OK to be honest the kids were more worried about toys and that sort of thing

No of course I'm not considering telling my kids their dad is gay. I know they will figure that out on their own in the future

But right now it just feels like such a lie to tell them that I've fallen out with their Dad and that I don't want to live as a family any more. Absolutely none of this is my choice and I am so angry that I don't get a say in how my future is directed at the moment. I'm not even going to get final choice in where I can buy a new house either.

I know I'm not the favorite parent, their Dad is a typical Disney Dad where I limit treats etc because ya know, its not healthy to eat sugar laden cereal and haribo every day. Maybe I'm just scared of the kids won't want me and its easier to blame the parent they don't like as much

Please don't think of yourself as not the favourite parent. Kids value a lot more than haribo and they will know what you bring as a parent and I'm sure they love you deeply.
If it's any consolation I actually feel I have a way better relationship as a single parent with my kids than I did before. I spend real time with them, they are my only focus. I'm not trying to do chores whilst Dad is playing lego. Because there is no Dad when they are with me. So I played with them, and did chores when they weren't with me. I never played the same games in the same way but we developed our own things and fun little routines and all that.
I know you never asked for any of this and it must be crushing you but you are going to have to dig deep here. Find some words that work for you?
Mummy and Daddy don't love each other any more. It's very sad and not what we planned but it is for the best

Why do you have to say you’ve fallen out with their dad & that YOU don’t want to live as a family anymore?

All you say is that mum & dad are separating, which means you’re going to be living in two separate houses and that will be soo exciting, new bedrooms! Both mum & dad love you very much and you will get to see both of us plenty.

No drama, no blame, very neutral and a united front.

The why conversation will come when they are older.

You need to say something neutral like Mummy and Daddy are going to live in different houses because we are getting divorced. Mummy and daddy will still be your mummy and daddy because we are mummy and daddy forever. They might have some questions like where your pets will live.

I would have told the kids once there’s a moving date because mine would be constantly asking and worrying where as a fixed date like “next week” would be easier for them.

But right now it just feels like such a lie to tell them that I've fallen out with their Dad and that I don't want to live as a family any more. Absolutely none of this is my choice and I am so angry that I don't get a say in how my future is directed at the moment. I'm not even going to get final choice in where I can buy a new house either.

None of that gives you the right to weoponise the conversation. You’re a grown up, you’ve been dealt a rubbish hand, but it is your job to protect those children not use them to be heard.

Perfect response @Mrsttcno1

He's the one that fucked over the marriage. Surely he should be the one to tell them.

Surely you tell them together.

When my ex and I separated (I initiated it), my children were already fully grown adults. Even then, my therapists advised me not to go into too much detail about why. Since your children are still very young, the less you say, the better. Keep it clear and simple.

I would focus only on the facts: that Mom and Dad will no longer be living together, but that none of this is their fault and that you both love them very much—that will never change. It’s best if both of you are present for the conversation and aligned in your approach.

I’m truly sorry you’re going through this, and I know how difficult it must be. Just remember that life happens, relationships evolve, and some marriages come to an end for different reasons. My strongest advice is to keep your emotions in check when talking to your children. They will look to you both for guidance, and if you act as though this is the end of the world, they will absorb that same fear and uncertainty. However, if you show them that things will be okay and that you are moving forward with strength, it will help them feel more secure in the transition.

The Disney dad thing is so hard. And there is no right answer because all the options involve compromise. The one you KNOW is wrong is blaming and shaming and hatining their dad at them. Because it won’t hurt him but it will hurt them.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It’s completely understandable that you feel hurt, blindsided, and overwhelmed. You're facing a deeply painful situation that you never asked for, and it’s natural to worry about how this will affect your kids.

When it comes to telling the kids, at their ages they don’t need to know everything. Keep it simple, honest, and age-appropriate.

You and your ex can sit down together and say something like:

”Mummy and Daddy have decided that we will be living in different places soon. We both love you very much, and nothing will change that. You will still see both of us, and we will always be your parents”.
(But why?)
Sometimes grownups stop loving each other. We’ve decided that we’re happier living separately. But our love for you will never change”.

You don’t need to explain the details of your ex's sexuality to them right now—he should, but later when they're older. For now, focus on reassuring them that they are safe, loved, and that none of this is their fault.

You’re not to blame for this situation. But by maintaining a calm, supportive approach with the kids, you’re showing them strength and love.

What my 6 year old hated the most was when she felt lied to - we go through our parenting lives telling our children not to lie and then we go and tell them a whopper when it comes to separating/divorce.
my eldest will say now - and gets angry about still - a few years down the line - why did I lie to her about where her dad was when he walked out (out of the blue) - I had to say he was at work off the cuff as I had no idea where he was and when he was coming back.

only you know your Children and what is and isn’t appropriate to tell them. I won’t lie to my children about how/why my marriage ended but I’ll water it down to an age appropriate reply

Thank you for all your replies, a lot of good phrases to borrow.

Yes I'm not planning on telling them yet, if I could get away with not telling them till afew weeks before the moving date I would do that, but considering the house isn't even on the market that will be months. Not sure what questions they will have once the estate agents signs go up either. Older DS is very inquisitive and also struggles with change massively. I think thats why I'm so worried about it all.

Thank you @CakeBlanchett , that's really helping put my mind straight on what the important things are

And thanks @Hellandbackand I'm sorry you have been through this, but I'm glad things have worked out ok now

I am going to look into counciling, but I thought I was doing ok and have so many other things to do right now.

This thread has reduced me back to the blubbering mess I was 4 weeks ago, it's the though of telling the kids as that makes it real. I think I need to prioritise getting councilling at least referred for

It’s important to remember that you aren’t the same as four weeks ago. But the pain is. That’s how grieving works. People think things get steadily better predictably over time. They don’t. The pain is still as real and raw but you think about it less frequently. And every hard thing you do takes you further. But these hard, painful things are still hard and painful. Telling the children is one of those. It probably won’t be as bad as you think because children don’t process these complex things all at once.

Be consistent, loving, present and consistent (twice!). You will get through this.

I made quite a few mistakes with my five year old. For a few weeks I said that Daddy was working away ( he did work away a lot anyway) until a little local friend told him his Daddy was having ‘an affair’ little son thought it meant his Daddy was at a fair and it all became much more confusing that it needed to be. In the end I just told him and his older sister that Daddy had met another woman and was living with her, still loved them bla bla and would still see them as much as he did before ( which he continued to do). I’d personally not discuss with a small child that their father was gay

I had to tell my children of 3 and 6 we were separating when my coward of an abusive husband refused. I told the 3 year old matter of factly, and he was led by how he felt I was feeling. When I showed him I was fine, he was too.. although he did keep asking for him at bathtime.

The 6 year old was much harder of course. She blamed me for him leaving, she felt like she’d lost half her life, and screamed at me to go and bring her back another daddy. (Which I did and whom she adores to this day as an adult).

At their ages you absolutely have to put on a united front. If they ask for details when they’re older (which they will) fine, but for now you have to put their mental wellbeing first and do what’s best for them, which is being amicable with your husband during and after the separation for their sake.