Childcare Arrangements and Relocation Advice

[BluGiraffe]

Hi all,

I’ve been stalking the forums for some time and finally posting for some advice, thoughts or experience on how to proceed with my situation as I am at a loss.

My ex husband and I have a 5 year old and have been struggling to agree with childcare arrangements for some time. In the beginning we agreed on a weekday routine and to be flexible and support each other on sharing the weekends. Naively we didn't think about a lot of things including school and I assumed as we were getting along the flexibility and support would go both ways.

Things have since turned pretty nasty and the relationship is really strained.

My ex works nights Mon-Fri. Over the last 18 months flexibility and support started only going one way, he restricted weekend timings around a second night job he took up, would change timings last minute, rarely on time for pick ups and drop offs and he had overnights as and when he wanted - 7 in total since the start of 2024. He currently has our child for 3 or 4 afternoons a week, 3-4 hours each so little and often but consistent.

I have been trying to talk about the routine to get something more balanced and structured in place for about 8 months now as I really need more support. I suggested we change to alternate weekends with him committing to regular overnights and setting expectations for weekday responsibility for when school started, along with trying to address other issues. He rejected most things but reluctantly offered one 24 hour overnight stay per month and 11am pick ups on his days during school holidays etc. I was told to ask his family if I need more help and expected to change my work hours to accommodate his when needed.

I booked mediation but he used the time to mostly make accusations and bring up the past, then took over with finances and has refused to talk about or make changes to the routine for months so I have ended it as it was not productive and emotionally draining.

I have spoken with a solicitor about relocating to be with my family for support and they said it may be tough but if it's what I want to do I can apply to court. My family is 2.5 hours away. I would have all of the support I need but it means I could only offer an every other weekend routine which he’s refused to commit to as is because of his second job, and extra time in holidays. Not to mention the long commute Saturday/Sunday for our child as he won’t be able to do Friday nights because of work - the opposite to what we have now as he has most contact during the week.

I never wanted it to get to this point and I’m scared of escalating it to court or upsetting our child but I can’t continue with things as they are and have no idea what else to do. Our child is happy and settled and is starting to enjoy spending time with dad, but I desperately need support and burnt out a long time ago. I'm drained in every sense of the word from the constant battles and feel trapped in a routine he controls to only suit him. I have no support network here.

Does any one have any suggestions on how to move forward?
Any experience with relocating or a similar long distance set up?
Was it a good/bad choice?
How do you/the kids cope with the travelling and reduced contact?
Is the court likely to consider it as it’s such a change to the routine we currently have?

Sorry for the long post, any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.

Do you have any other children than this one? Does your work currently fit around your son? If you only have the one child and work is ok so why bother forcing more contact ? What is burning you out currently that you could change to make things better for you without the answer being contact with the dad?

Just the one. My basic hours fit in with the routine but my job is quite demanding so I'm often working evenings or staying late when he has our child.

It's the constant battles and stress of not having a set plan in place for basic scenarios. Feeling like I have no say in the routine and he has all of the control, that I have to fully support him with no consideration for my work or needs.

I also just feel like I don't have time to breathe. There is no time to be me or to recharge or do things I enjoy.

I don't want to force it but I don't know where else to look for support. If that means paying for extra childcare, clubs or babysitters, why not be home where our child could be with family instead of strangers kind of thing? I'm not sure if it's me looking at it or approaching it the wrong way maybe?

What happens when your child is older, and doing clubs etc but can’t because they have to travel 2.5 hours away eow? Or want to go to a friends party and can’t

o think you need to look at bigger picture and longer term tbh and the impact a move would have

( btw I’m not saying he sounds like a great dad here ) but moving could impact your child’s future

I have family court experience and see quite a lot of fathers (yes, it is always the dads who do this) who are very reluctant to commit to a straightforward and regular contact schedule. It’s not always clear whether they’re doing this to keep controlling their ex by forcing them to live with uncertainty over day to day arrangements or whether it’s an inability to put their children’s needs ahead of their own. Probably a bit of both in some cases.

In your case, even if you went to court to get a regular schedule put into place in your current location, there is no guarantee that your ex would stick to the arrangements. He might just try and mess you about with timings and the court cannot compel him to show up for contact.

If I were you I would try to think really objectively about what will be best for your child in terms of location. So, the longer travel time to contact would be a downside, but a less stressed main carer would be a benefit. Are the schools/housing etc better/worse in the new location.

Ultimately, I guess that contact arrangements are going to have to change once your child is in full time school. What is your ex proposing will happen then?

Sorry if I missed it . How far are you thinking of moving away ?

@millymollymoomoo Yeah, I completely understand that so was hoping to get some experiences of people in a similar scenario to get a better idea of whether it can be successful. Or even how to improve things here for myself? I feel like I'm solo parenting so how do others manage without a support network? I understand the weight of it, hence why I'm trying everything to avoid it but ultimately I can't see how I can continue as it is when I have so much immediate support elsewhere.

@QueenOfToast My solicitor said exactly the same. I just don't understand why he says he wants more time but is the one blocking it from happening so I don't get the feeling he actually wants more. Over time I've felt more of a sense of being controlled but not sure if that's just me. It's never collaborative, just his routine, work and life are the priority.

Travel and contact would definitely be a downside. The local village primary & high schools are much smaller, same Ofsted rating and have space for our child. Total family support. Lots of cousins of similar ages to have a relationship with, slower pace of life, more outdoor opportunities. Same access to clubs although a bit further away. Housing is more expensive but I have the option to stay with my parents until I find somewhere. Lots of pros but I understand it doesn't all replace regular contact with dad.

Our child started school last September so we're already in that routine and it's constant battles on sick days, holidays etc. His expectation is that I manage all of that and he will pick up when he wants to maintain his days, but at a time that suits him so I'm left struggling and stressing over it. May half term is coming up so again I'm going to have to propose something that he won't accommodate so another battle I don't have the energy to fight.

@Starlightstarbright4 It's about 2.5 hours.