Help - DD doesn’t want any contact

[Twogorgeousgirls7]

Me and almost divorced ex split in 2022. It’s extremely acrimonious and ended up with DD1 (17) living with me and DD2 (15) living with her dad. Me and DD1 moved out of the family home as he wouldn’t and there was some history of DA. Over the past year DD2 has been increasingly reluctant to spend any time with me, and since Xmas have only seen her once in March. On that day she asked me “explain to me how you deserve even a single penny of everything dads worked so hard for. If you take the house you’ll be ruining his life, you’ll be ruining my life” and that he’d told her everything.

it’s a big house, with no outstanding mortgage so could be sold and we could each buy a smaller property outright (or very nearly) but he doesn’t want to as it’s his “castle”! We’re approaching second court hearing after a postponement with him not having paperwork prepared from March.

she doesn’t know everything, and nor should she. I have tried to explain that whilst me and her dad are better off apart it doesn’t mean that we love her any less, but all she hears is his anger and his side of things. I don’t want to have to justify some of the more DA related reasons for leaving, as she’s so young and he’s still her dad at the end of the day, but she just won’t stop blaming me.

he won’t speak at all. His anger at me daring to leave him has far outweighed any form of co-parenting. He changed her secondary school without discussing with me, she even had appendicitis and was in hospital and he didn’t tell me. He then left her home on her own at age 14 with a school friend and drink drove and crashed his car ending up in custody and losing his license….and didn’t tell me.

I feel as though I have lost her and don’t know what else to do. My friends and family say she will come around in time, but each day breaks my heart even more. She’s blocked me on all social media, texts, calls - so I can’t even reach out to her.

I’m so sorry. This sounds very distressing. Does she have any contact with her sister? Or any other relatives on your side of the family?

My 2p

She's 15 not 5.
I was in a very similar situation and my mother us did no favors by taking the high road.

Id try something age appropriate on his behaviour and also the basics around life (mat leaves, retirement etc) and financing of that.
My father has the same story "his" house "his" money

Is she close with her sister could she point out some of the obvious

Appears to be a case of parental alienation. I'd be discussing this with your solicitor.

She’s old enough to know the truth of why you left

She’s 15, not 5.
Her dad is clearly feeding her all sorts of nonsense because he knows you won’t tell her the real reason.
So tell her. If she is grown up enough to feel she has a say in things, then she’s old enough to hear your side.

I agree.

You don’t have to protect her from it anymore. It’s better that you’re honest with her.

By not telling her the truth you are actually protecting her dad.
He sounds like an utter shit so I wouldn’t be facilitating that.
Tell her!

Stop protecting her Dad.
She needs to hear both sides and come to her own conclusions.

All she hears at the mo is what he’s told her.

Wtf have you allowed him to sit up there on his pedestal? Your dd is old enough to know he is a cunt.... He isn't a decent df to be treating their dm this way.

Your DD needs to learn your version of events as well as her father's. You might want to consider telling her your version of events in the presence of a psychologist or mediator as your DD deserves third party involvement and adult support in order to prevent her being caught alone between two warring parents.

You can tell her the true version of events without been aggressive about it .

she is 15 so no court will make her have contact .

what is her relationship like with her sister ?

This is a great suggestion

I understand why you're not telling her. Now of course it's been made impossible for you to even see her. Whatever you say will only be dismissed when she discusses it with her dad and you will have acted against your instincts.

Why are you protecting him?

You are doing her a disservice. Every time he says or does something that makes her uncomfortable, she will normalise and dismiss it because no one has told her there is anything wrong with him. She only hears one side and you aren't defending yourself and the truth so all she can do is trust the Cunt!!

What did you say about her comment about the money? Did you at least defend yourself there? Justify that it's your house too not just her dad's?

If someone was accusing a loved one of yours of some awful deeds and they refused to excuse or explain what would you think? You would think they were guilty!!

This 100%

She is old enough to know some of the detail and you need to be telling her. You literally have got nothing left to lose. Have evidence, eg police reports so she or he can’t deny it.

Your DD is at an age where she is forming her own moral values. She absolutely does need to know your side of the story in order to be able to protect herself in the future. In fact, this is vital, as she is only getting the male perspective. You surely don’t want her to grow into adulthood thinking that men are superior and women are there to serve them. She needs to hear and understand a female view on equality too.
It seems you don’t ever have much time with her so please use that bit of time effectively and explain your own point of view as a balance to that of her father’s which is skewed anyway if he is capable of DA.
You know he isn’t living his life in her best interests. You definitely need to counter-balance the experience she is absorbing and taking in as normal.
So please don’t give up OP.
Your daughter doesn’t know it but she really needs your help at this stage.
You need to fight for her.

I too think you are doing her (and yourself) a disservice by not telling her the truth. She is more than old enough to hear the truth. At the moment she is just hearing a distorted version of the truth and will be very confusing for her why you would have suddenly become this witch that her dad is describing to her. If it would be helpful, depending on their relatiosnhip, I would have your older daughter present when you tell her what has actually been going on.

I was in a similiar situation when I left my teens dad and he was abusive in all kinds of ways but mainly phychologically and financially. As soon as I saw what direction he was taking (lying, manipulating, gas lighting) I decided to be really honest with the kids. I had been their everything their entire lives, I didn't want them to be fed their dads lies about me. It would have completely changed their view of their childhoods and me. Had he handled it in a fair and respectful way I wouldn't have shared as much with them as I did but once one starts to play foul you need to unfortunately step up and set the record straight. Even when it feels wrong.

She is old enough to know the truth. Longterm she may get angry again that you didn't tell her the truth.
Good luck with the house sale. Your ex sounds awful .

This ^^

Mine did the same at roughly the same age. Her dad shamelessly used her. DD’s justification was that I actually parent her (didn’t like me sending her to school, actually caring about GCSEs, balanced use of internet, sleeping at night and not being on the phone, balanced meals, whereabouts etc) whereas her dad didn’t.
I was blocked on everything too. But every month I went and knocked on his door and asked to speak to her. Yes, I had all sorts of abuse, from both of them. I didn’t raise to the bait, I was calm: I am your mother, I love you more than anything, just letting you know I’m here and I’m not giving up on you. Slowly, the chats in the doorway became longer and one day she asked we go and get an ice cream together.
At one point soon after it downed on her what has happened. What made her realise was my consistency, I haven’t changed how I treated her, I didn’t lose it, it didn’t engage with anything but my child. She burst into tears and said she realised I didn’t do anything, I’ve always been the same, why did she think not going to school was a good idea, it’s not that fun, what is she going to do with her future?!
We slowly unravelled everything. I didn’t bad mouth her dad, I did say I will never forgive him for how he treated her, nobody does that to my child, least of all her own dad. It took some time to make her feel less guilty though.
She absolutely hates her dad. I’m trying to teach her that hating him places a burden on her shoulders, he’s already re-written the narrative and ade himself a victim in his own eyes. The rest of us roll our eyes.

Don’t give up. They come around. They told me that at the time and I felt like you do, but it’s true, they come around.

In addition to what others have said, I’d also be pointing out that there are clear laws about divorce so that settlements are legally fair. That nobody “wins” in divorce & the house is a joint asset which needs sold so that both parents get a fair share.

When my 17 year old daughter told me she was worried her dad (also abusive ex) wouldn't be able to afford to eat because of all the money he was being forced to pay me in child maintenance, I showed her the letter that gave his weekly income and his weekly CM payment. She was disgusted by his lies. Ideally she wouldn't have ever been involved in such discussions, but hey ho. Just another bog-standard abuser, abusing his child.