Why is it so hard to do what I know I need to do

[DCrabbit]

Morning
I met my husband at 19 and I’m now 48 . We have two sons of 14 and 17 who are the reason I have not done anything yet .
my husband has cheated continuously throughout our relationship and has taken part in practices that disgust me . I can not believe I have not walked away as I am normally a very head strong person and doesn’t take any shit but here I am feeling like I’ve wasted all my adult life , I feel I have no memories that aren’t tainted and not true.
I am starting to break free and am now booking things and going places either on my own or with my youngest son .
my husband knows I want to leave but also knows I wouldn’t do anything to hurt those boys , I don’t know how to do it and so lonely and scared I’m going to make a mistake . No one knows and all our friends think we are the perfect family , my family love him .
I don’t want anyone to dislike him or even find out why we have split and I definitely don’t want the boys to find out as they would be gutted .
I have no one to talk to but each year that goes by I promise myself I’m going to leave and I never do , then another year passes .
why am I so weak with this situation .

You haven't broken the marriage down though...he has. Keep that very firmly in your mind. Your boys will have more respect for you for walking away from a toxic relationship and putting yourself first. Never, ever stay for the kids. It just doesn't work like that. That is a huge burden to put on them. You're not weak though. It takes a lot of strength to survive in a bad marriage.

DCrabbit, I know what you mean. I think of myself as resilient and strong, but being presented with a choice of staying with someone who has betrayed you, plus finding what they have done repulsive, against leaving, breaking up the family with all the upset, it is not as easy as one would think.
I have recently found my husband has been living a secret life, with sexual behaviours I find repulsive,. He denies an affair. Our children are all adults but youngest still at home due to health issues, which is holding me back from leaving, as worried about the impact on them
All I would say is think of what you want and what will make you happy. Write a list of pros and cons. Consider attending individual relationship counselling. I am, it is a lonely place to be, so good to have someone to talk to in confidence

It comes across as though you have shame for your husband’s behaviour and disappointment your life has not turned out as you expected and maybe you’re worried when the truth comes out it may appear your marriage was a facade? But remember that to you it wasn’t a facade at the time, you had lovely memories that are now tainted. I feel you’re worrying too much about what others will think rather than doing want you want and need.
your husband’s behaviour is not a reflection of you.

How awful for you!

Could you try to imagine your boys in 10-20 years time hearing that you were so unhappy due to your miserable sham of a marriage but sacrificed your wellbeing for them? I am sure they'd be horrified you did that and would wish they could turn the clock back and tell you that you deserve better and they would rather have had a happy, fulfilled Mum.

You are all correct and I am so pleased I have taken the plunge and written it down .
I am trying so so hard to sort this and I am determined to have it all sorted and a new life by my 50th birthday , this is the deadline I’ve given myself .
thank you so much everyone x

You’re so right about having someone to talk to , I feel so lonely .
I know I don’t want to be here , I am not 50 and can’t stand the thought of never holding someone’s hand again or just sharing a bed with anyone , I feel my whole life has been a lie . Now I’m getting dramatic and I apologise, thank you so much for replying . I hope you’re doing ok too ? I have done a list of pros and cons and money and my concern my boys will be upset with me are the only two cons.

@DCrabbit, you are not being dramatic. I understand your feelings of feeling lonely and that you are living a lie, I feel the same at the moment too.Your DH has betrayed you, but. I understand the feeling around struggling to end the relationship. I am too worried about the impact on others if I end my marriage but feel resentment around that meaning I would have to stay with someone who can betray me and actions repulse me. I don't feel I deserve to have been treated like this and it feels I am being punished for his actions. I feel stuck over what to do and my DC are all now adults. Remember to put yourself first more and consider individual counselling