I'm posting this mostly because I need to get some of it out of my head, maybe someone has advice or insight that could help.
I've shared this with two friends, but I worry they’re tired of hearing me go on about it.
A month ago, my husband of 11 years (together for 13) told me he was leaving. I’m certain there’s someone else, though he denies it. When my son was born, he had an affair, and the backlash from friends and family was a shock to him. They all thought he was wonderful, incapable of something like that. This time, I think he wants to be "single" so that when people find out, he doesn’t look as bad.
He told me on our son’s 9th birthday that he didn’t love me anymore and was leaving. Two days later, he had valuers at the house, and a few days after that, he had a solicitor working through a separation agreement.
I was blindsided. Just days before, we were talking about buying another house, literally the night before he told me, we had discussed viewing a property.
I begged him to stay, promised I would do anything. He just smirked and said no. It was humiliating. Our children are 9 and 7, and since deciding to leave, he’s been cruel, shouting, calling me names, acting as if I’m the one at fault, as if I’m the one leaving.
He’s still living here, sleeping on the sofa, coming and going as he pleases. Tonight, he finished work hours ago, but he hasn't come back. I know he’s with someone else, enjoying himself, while I sit here in tears. Last night, he was out until the early hours too.
Yesterday, he wanted to discuss the separation agreement. He told me he won’t sell the house to me because he thinks he can get more on the open market. He’s already been viewing properties and wants all the equity from this house to "set himself up." When I told him that, as his wife, I’m entitled to half the equity, he was furious—argued that since I’m buying this house, he should keep all the equity. I know he’s wrong, but his entitlement is staggering. He gets to walk away, start fresh, avoid all the pain, uncertainty, and upheaval while expecting to pocket everything.
To keep the house, I’m borrowing money to buy it from him, even though we bought it together when we were married, and only his name is on the mortgage. (Scotland)
I don’t even know what I hope to get out of posting this. Maybe I just need to process how deeply I’m struggling with him leaving and how this will affect the kids.
I’ve been working two jobs, seven days a week for the past year, trying to pay off debts so we could move somewhere nicer for the children. He worked four days a week, earning less than me, never once suggesting I slow down. Looking back, I can see how much of a fool I was. He was out on boys’ trips, nights with friends, always well-dressed, always spending money on himself—while I was budgeting every grocery shop, stressed about money, barely spending a penny on myself. I think I was depressed, too exhausted to see how unfair it all was.
Now, I’ve been signed off one of those jobs. He works there too, so returning isn’t an option, it would be too painful.
Just writing this makes me realise I really am better off without him. I just feel sad about the end of my marriage and need to figure out how to pick up the pieces of my life.