Leaving my husband

[Sazzlebear]

Sorry for the difficult title, it is my first post. I am intending on divorcing my husband after feeling entirely unsupported through a rough period. I had my little boy last summer, and was hit hard with PPD, which probably lasted for around 6 months. I didn’t realise how dark it was until I came out of it really, but made several comments to my husband which should have raised the alarm (I would say I stare at the clock to count down the minutes until anyone would be able to take the baby from me, I’d talk about just getting in the car and driving myself off a bridge, he’d catch me staring at my baby and sobbing). I just can’t forgive that the person who was supposed to look out for me could let me down so terribly and I’m heartbroken that I feel like I missed so much with my baby that I can’t get back. We’ve had arguments for years as to how he puts his needs first constantly. However, I’ve heard that no one should make any life changing decisions in the first year post partum. Has anyone experienced similar and regretted it? Also if I do choose to divorce him, does anyone have a situation when the baby stays in the house and the parents take turns being somewhere else? I don’t want to uproot our son if I can avoid it.

so what exactly did your partner not do to help?

He’s a wonderful father, I cannot take that away from him. He plays with our son, changes nappies, helps with night wake ups. What I expected from him, is what I would have given him, is to recognise that I needed help and my behaviour wasn’t normal and encourage me to get professional help.

With respect your husband is presumably not a medical professional and so it’s a tad unfair to blame him for not “recognising” you needed help?

But your expecting him to think and approach things in exactly the same way as you would and personally I think that's unreasonable. I think you need to probably get support together to learn each others communications styles etc and work things through. It sounds like there's some resentment to work through. This part of having children is, to be honest, the time when partners can start to hate each other as your tired/stressed/emotional/finding your way etc.

He's not a counsellor/psychologist/therapist, he's your husband who was a new dad and may have been struggling himself. I don't know your full situation obviously but this ain't screaming divorce to me, this sounds more like alot of emotions that aren't being communicated effectively for each person.

Sounds like you are looking for someone to blame for your PPD ?

Sorry op another one who doesn't think this is a divorce situation more of a talk openly to each other and support each other situation. You sound down and emotional are you getting gp or other health care support. Sounds like things were and still are tough 💐

i dont agree with trying to blame PPD on your husband, hes not medically trained

divorcing someone for not recognising PPD is absurd, is he otherwise a good husband? what was he like before and during pregnancy? his overall character

Thanks for your replies, they have made me reflect quite a bit. At least logically, I do know my husband is not to blame for my PPD. I had a difficult labour, with an induction because baby was 15 days late, then an epidural, and a major post partum haemorrhage which left me anaemic for a while and I felt like a complete failure for being unable to labour naturally. I do and always have struggles with trying to hold everyone to my own standards. On the post partum front, I do think things are so much better now. I love my son and interacting with him (it sounds like an awful thing to say, but before what I felt for him felt more like a tether and an obligation). My husband isn’t the overtly emotional type, he showed up to scans when I asked him to and was present during labour, but had little interest in talking to bump/feeling baby. I don’t judge him for that, he just didn’t want to bond in the same way that I did, and he’s been very hands on since LO was born. He’s not a medical professional, but has had mental health awareness training through work. Is it really so unreasonable to expect him to recognise what I consider to be pretty obvious signs? He didn’t struggle to adapt to being a new dad at all, he took to it like a duck to water!

when you said you wanted to drive off a bridge, what did he do?

Op, your DH probably had no idea what was wrong. Unless he is a doctor, expecting him to spot the signs and know what to do is a little unfair.

The first year is tough on everyone but you say he does his share of baby care and is a good dad. Yes, it would have been wonderful if he noticed and knew how to respond, but I imagine this is also his first child and the first time he has lived with a new mum. Can you talk to him about it without blaming him?

I have had something similar so I do understand your feelings - a few years ago I struggled with extreme tiredness, was dead on my feet, so bad that I got in from work at 6pm and fell asleep by 6.10. I was too tired to see it. All my partner did was whine about lack of sex and my failure to cook, and go to the pub in a huff. He didn't help with anything. It was my 13yo DS who asked why I was so tired and shouldn't I go to a doctor. He was right of course, and thank goodness he said something as I had BC (now dealt with). I dumped my partner because it was clear the only thing he cared about was himself.

Your DH at least does his share. Is he more supportive now he knows what is wrong?

He is a good man, I fell in love with him because he felt safe. He doesn’t have a temper and is kind and would never hurt me. When I said I wanted to drive off a bridge, he took our son for 5 mins and told me to have a break/ get a glass of water, then gave him back as he had to start work.

personally it sounds likes hes a good person who tried his best to comfort you and just didnt know or realise how bad it was for you

I didn’t mean that last comment of having to start work as an insult. He works hard to provide for us and genuinely had to start then.

I think you are angry for the time you lost with your baby, and had a very frightening time with PPD, and it's easier to blame your husband for your PPD than to accept that PPD was a frightening, uncontrollable, horrible thing that happened to you that you didn't deserve but could have done nothing to escape. It is frightening to accept that horrible things can happen to you that are entirely outside your control. I think you are searching for an explanation for your PPD that puts you back in control. I think you find the narrative that it was partly your husband's fault reassuring, because that is a factor you could have controlled/can control in the future.

I don't know what the state of your marriage is generally. You may decide you want to leave your DH anyway. But I think you need to come to terms with having had PPD as a separate issue.

This is a really insightful response, and it definitely resonates with me, thank you. I’m a total control freak, I always have been! With all these replies, I’m taking some time to self reflect and talk to my husband and see where we’re both at.

I am concerned that to leave him would be your thought, as this seems very reactionary and not balanced.
Hopefully you can get yet help and support you need. You will look back at this time and be shocked you even thought this. (assuming there are not other reasons why you should leave him).

Hi, just an update on this. My brother watched our LO and I had a long talk with my husband. Our issues definitely went deeper than the PPD, but we’re both committed to wanting things to work out. I just wanted to thank you all for giving me the sanity check I needed :)