When does the desperate sadness stop?

Bienbien · 2025-05-07T06:06:27+00:00

Husband left me and moved out of the house five days ago. I’m angry but also so so sad. I wake up with a thumping heart and cry in front of my children. I think about all the things I could have done that would have maybe made him love me. I think about why he didn’t try harder. I can’t breathe sometimes.

Fuzzypinetree · 07/05/2025 07:28

It'll get better but it'll just take time. You've got the right to be sad and angry and confused and everything at once.
Ex left last summer, about 9 months ago. I'm mostly ok by now. I'm still angry and wish he'd get run over by a bus...but I'm getting on with my life. The OW is welcome to him.

Wish44 · 07/05/2025 07:35

It can take some years to get your full self back … but how you are feeling now … the absolute awful first feelings only last a few months… if you have physical symptoms go to go and get beta blockers and or sertraline … don’t use alcohol. See friends and family. Put all your focus on you and the kids. Ignore him. He is not thinking of you he is thinking of the same.

provided you have not been abusive / unfaithful or any of the other big nos then this is on him… not you. He will regret it one day… but you will be long gone by then.

he is a fool. Good luck op… you are joining a fabulous group of strong women and are on a ,sadly, well worn path.

DaphneduM · 07/05/2025 07:35

Completely understandable that you feel sad and angry. It's so important to get those emotions out, rather than stifling them. From my experience, once the divorce is finalised you can take a breath and get on with rebuilding your life. Good things will come your way eventually for sure. I agree with the previous poster - about nine to twelve months in general.

Wolbutter · 07/05/2025 08:11

I'm joining you... I'm ok on the surface when I'm with other people but I wake up in the small hours with a gasp and my heart and brain just go into overdrive. I swing between really sad and absolutely furious.

It's been almost 2 months and he's still in the house except for the odd work trip. He's going to stay with family from this weekend and moving out properly early June. I'm hoping it will start to get better then.

trailblazer42 · 07/05/2025 09:25

You need to be kinder on yourself - you can't make someone love you. You can do things to stop someone hating you or resenting you but if you could make someone love you then we'd all have perfect partners of our choosing.

You have done nothing wrong.

He may be the type that can't be bothered to try, looking for something easier, or he might have been trying in his own way for years - neither of which are really relevant because he's obviously made his decision. For context, I left my husband and he thinks I've done the former but it was really the latter so he struggles to understand and is fighting it.

I heard a beautiful quote this week which really resonated with me:

If everything around seems dark, look again, you may be the light.

You have got this!

BeerAndMusic · 07/05/2025 10:47

It's a shock. Even if it's sort of expected the reality is still shock. So much it will change, finances, friendships etc...

Take a few moments to get a calm head on, now is the time to be focussed and plan - that certainly helped me (I sort of liked it too).

Start by working out what you want - keep the house and buy him out, sell etc... Look at what your finances are and build plans for each area, money, house, future plans, kids and routines etc... new ground rules between you.

Dampfnudeln · 07/05/2025 11:22

My best friend's H left her almost 2 years ago. She was in turmoil for the first year. Cried a lot, couldn't sleep and yearned to have him back. I saw a big change after about a year, I think that she finally began to accept the situation and she threw herself into a fresh start. You're in the very early days, please lean into your support network if you feel able to.

GoldDuster · 07/05/2025 11:34

Get a therapist and if you're in the perimenopausal age range, don't ignore that, both will help you cope.

You will move on, treat it like grief and don't expect too much of yourself too soon.

Fontet · 07/05/2025 11:35

Deep breath, one foot in front of the other....his loss....you deserve better. Good luck

BeerAndMusic · 07/05/2025 14:13

Also, hate channeled the right way helps! Luckily my ex was a real bitch after we split so it was so easy not feel like I wanted her back etc and was much easier to move on.

Obviously a fine line between disliking and going too far - but block on social media and dont be tempted to look

Mumto21234 · 09/09/2025 20:41

I'm in the fairly early stages of getting my head around H leaving, and just wondered how everyone is doing a few months down the line? Any hints/tips welcome!

abracadabra1980 · 09/09/2025 20:59

OP I’m in the middle of a family drama but couldn’t read and run. I was feeling like you over 20 years ago. Same scenario. Blindsided. Left with two under two. It feels terminal but honestly, roll with the grief, make excuses to your kids as to why your crying die the moment and get to yiur GP asap. Most antidepressants will stop you crying - Sertraline have been amazing for me whilst dealing with my DF’s Alzheimer’s/death. Perhaps ask for some Diazepam to calm you down in the first instance 5mg should calm you so you can function in the next couple of weeks.
Fast forward twenty years of so for me and I’ve gone from feeling suicidal to remarrying (then separating but it was all in good terms) gaining a wonderful StepD and have just moved into my forever home with my DDog and cat, and I have never felt so happy. Remember this: you entered the world and managed without your husband before you met him, and you can survive without him now he has left. You really can. I came from a very solid family and the loss of the family unit and what I had dreams for were devastating. I was worried sick about how my DC would cope - but cope they did - they have both had a happy childhood (I Co-parented through gritted teeth a lot of the time when I wanted to scream) and have excelled in school, Uni and now in their careers. I have had to build resilience in so many ways since then, and I can honestly look back and think ‘what the fuck was I doing with him’ - I deserved so much better. But it is what it is. YOU WILL BE OK. Sending love and hugs tonight. ❤️

Original poster

Bienbien · 11/09/2025 00:12

abracadabra1980 · 09/09/2025 20:59

OP I’m in the middle of a family drama but couldn’t read and run. I was feeling like you over 20 years ago. Same scenario. Blindsided. Left with two under two. It feels terminal but honestly, roll with the grief, make excuses to your kids as to why your crying die the moment and get to yiur GP asap. Most antidepressants will stop you crying - Sertraline have been amazing for me whilst dealing with my DF’s Alzheimer’s/death. Perhaps ask for some Diazepam to calm you down in the first instance 5mg should calm you so you can function in the next couple of weeks.
Fast forward twenty years of so for me and I’ve gone from feeling suicidal to remarrying (then separating but it was all in good terms) gaining a wonderful StepD and have just moved into my forever home with my DDog and cat, and I have never felt so happy. Remember this: you entered the world and managed without your husband before you met him, and you can survive without him now he has left. You really can. I came from a very solid family and the loss of the family unit and what I had dreams for were devastating. I was worried sick about how my DC would cope - but cope they did - they have both had a happy childhood (I Co-parented through gritted teeth a lot of the time when I wanted to scream) and have excelled in school, Uni and now in their careers. I have had to build resilience in so many ways since then, and I can honestly look back and think ‘what the fuck was I doing with him’ - I deserved so much better. But it is what it is. YOU WILL BE OK. Sending love and hugs tonight. ❤️

Thank you! This is such a lovely and throughtful reply. Someday I hope to be as content as you seem to be.

OP posts:

everychildmatters · 11/09/2025 00:14

I personally felt mostly relief when I left my ex-husband - don't think I felt sad at all!!

Original poster

Bienbien · 11/09/2025 00:16

Mumto21234 · 09/09/2025 20:41

I'm in the fairly early stages of getting my head around H leaving, and just wondered how everyone is doing a few months down the line? Any hints/tips welcome!

Hello! It’s pretty up there on the scale of awful, isn’t it? It’s been nearly five months for me now and I no longer wake up in utter panic. The sadness is still there but like a constant dull ache rather than the heart stopping devastation of the immediate aftermath. I still sometimes fantasise about if I could clock my finger and everything would go back to ‘normal’. I have realised that I don’t miss him, he was a terrible husband and not even that good of a father, but I miss the dream of a family unit.

OP posts:

Mumto21234 · 11/09/2025 08:39

@Bienbien yeah pretty awful indeed!
I also feel myself sad at what could have been and can't wrap my head around how someone can throw everything away so easily. But trying to focus on what I can control.
I still have some pretty rough days ahead re giving birth, selling house and officially being completely separated which is daunting but part of me also just wants it over ASAP.

What a roller coaster of shit!

Mrsmunchofmunchington · 11/09/2025 08:41

About 8 years.

Took me that long anyway. Anger helps.

I’m really sorry OP.