Divorce, downsizing and empty nest - anyone else?

[howdoibegin]

Hello - I’m a 55-y-o woman who is dealing with all of these things within a very short space of time at the moment and it’s a bit overwhelming! Is anyone else in a similar position? Perhaps we could share and support?

STBEXH moved out 9 months ago after 12 years together. Things had not been great for a few years and the decision was fairly mutual but it’s still unsettling to be facing the rest of my life on my own. The house sold a few weeks ago and I’ve bought a small 2-bed flat for me and the teenager, moving in a month’s time. I’m pretty close to my child (ex wasn't their bio dad) and they are heading off to uni in September. I am going to miss them so very much.

I’m trying to focus on all the positives - my own place in a lovely village, no longer being in a depressing and dysfunctional relationship, my teenager excited about the next stage of their life. But at the moment I’m doing lots of sorting and packing for my move, and it brings it home to me how big the changes are. One day you have a busy home, a family, a shared life. Then you find yourself having to dismantle it all and try to work out how to reconstruct it alone. I’m selling most of the furniture as it’s too big for the new place - watching the house get emptier and emptier as people come to take stuff away. A sense that everything is disappearing around me, both literally and emotionally. I feel quite unmoored at times. It doesn’t help when you find the cute notes your primary aged child wrote to you, or the Valentine’s Day cards from the ex, telling you how much they once loved you.

Anyway, if anyone else is in the same boat, hello! Perhaps we can empathise when we’re feeling a bit low but also remind ourselves of all the good stuff ahead. One foot in front of the other and all that.

I am in a similar situation. I feel very conflicted. I am relieved in some ways to be out of a dead relationship but also miserable to be losing my home and essentially starting again at over 50. Feels enormous. I have v little support and still have vulnerable young adult to care for. I am trying to be positive about the future but it is hard.

Hello @MissJeanBrodiesmother- yes, it can feel pretty enormous. I also don’t have much support so I understand how hard that can be. I made a list of all the things I wouldn’t miss about my marriage - that was pretty helpful in terms of reminding me that anything was probably better than that! Hope you and your young person are doing okay.

Hi @howdoibegin - yes very similar point although you are further down the line than I am. We have only just agreed to separate and it's all very overwhelming.

I have no idea what the living situation will be - have three DCs - eldest 2 at uni (twins) and youngest heads off this Sept. But they still come home a lot so don't know how that will work.

I am tempted to maybe up sticks and move somewhere that I've always wanted to live and start again, but appreciate that it will make it hard for the DC to want to come because their home friends won't be there. So that is unlikely to happen. I kind of have to stay here because of my work and my friends. But all our friends are mutual friends so it will be really hard.

The thing that worries me the most is ending up like my own DM. She divorced at the same age as me (54) and was lonely and isolated for the rest of her life. She was quite an introvert though and I'm not but I vowed I'd never end up like her and that old saying that we turn unto our mothers makes my blood run cold. I don't want to date again (self-esteem so low right now that I can't imagine anyone even wanting me) so the prospect of being on my own feels very real.

I keep reading the posts on here of people who have made their lives so much better after divorce and I can't imagine that at all. I'm really sad about it all. I never thought we would split. We were great together but we have grown apart. Our kids have no idea and will be very shocked.

@MalteaserQueen Hello - I’m sorry to hear you’re in a similar situation. It’s so hard at first - it all feels so huge, it’s difficult to imagine all the many many things that need to happen and be worked out. And especially with 3 children and their feelings to consider, whilst coming to terms with your own sadness about where things have ended up. We stayed together towards the end because I couldn’t imagine how to begin unraveling everything. But of course you do - once you’ve finally made the decision and hit the tipping point, things shift. Eventually you’re looking back a few years later and you’ve moved on. But I totally hear you about the fear of becoming your mother - mine ended a lonely old woman, estranged from most of her children and trapped by her health issues in a fifth floor flat in a building without a lift. I have a much better relationship with my own child and I’ve made sure to buy a flat with hardly any stairs!

Good idea about the list! I am going to do that now.

@howdoibeginIm the same age as you, just divorced after 25 years of marriage. 2 DC, one has moved out, the other’s off to uni in Sep, house on the market so I can downsize. I have wonderful friends and a very full social life, but my home life feels so empty. I’ve suddenly gone from being a busy mum in a family of four, to very soon living on my own. Little things bring it home, like still absent-mindedly cooking enough for 4 when there’s just 2 of us, and soon will be just me, not wanting to book leave at work because what’s the point, I’ve no one to go on holiday with. Sometimes I feel like it’s an exciting new beginning, other times I just feel intensely sad at what I’ve lost. It’s a period of huge adjustment, and actually quite scary. But it’s nice to hear from someone in the same boat. Hugs. X

Yes, me, which is why I’ve been awake since 5am again thinking about it all for the umpteenth night in a row. Mt ex broke up with me and I’m having to leave our lovely home because I can’t afford to stay there by myself. He can afford to stay there (and is being absolutely vile even though he broke up with me).

No DC but the prospect of downsizing and starting again is exhausting and upsetting. I have a rental house to move back to and I’m going back there in a few weeks’ time when my tenants leave. I am desperately upset about it all.

I hear you, OP, and I’m sorry. I wish I had some words of consolation.

I’m in the same boat. Married 35 years, kids left home and husband just filed for divorce. Yes the marriage wasn’t great but I was used to it.
my home is big and I’m having to sell lots of antique furniture and family heirlooms because I’m going to have to buy somewhere tiny.
on one hand it’s forced my hand and I’m looking forward to not living in such misery but I’m 60 and disabled and quite scared!

Good morning, everyone. Thanks to all those who have shared their own stories. It sounds like there are some common threads - grief and loss, even for the end of marriages that weren’t great. Losing our homes. Beloved children moving on and needing us less. Finding ourselves again, and navigating a new and different future. I have good days and bad days. This week has been a tough one - I’m also dealing with some tricky undercurrents at work, and thinking maybe I need a new job on top of everything else - that does feel like it could be the straw that breaks the camel’s back! Sometimes wonder if I should go to the GP for something like antidepressants but I’ve managed to avoid it so far - the idea of it scares me. Just trying to keep finding bits of joy in the day-to-day and continue being resilient! Off to take the dogs for a walk in the sunshine now, it’s a beautiful morning here.

Yep, me too. 57, was married for 25 years, 2 DC with youngest at Uni. Ex H pushed through the divorce as fast as he could (he is overseas) I had to downsize and move from an absolutely picture perfect village to a very gritty area up North as left with extremely limited funds. No job - and pretty tricky trying to get back into the job market. I have days when I am so very sad and ‘quiet crying’, to feeling upbeat, and ready to accept the huge change in my life, future and what will come. These threads are a balm for me, and I get comfort from those who write with warm advice and seem to just understand the feelings, grief, rollercoaster of emotions. I don’t feel so alone in navigating this period of life. Deep breaths and one step at a time is my current mantra (and keep tissues close by ;))

These are two huge life changes. Be kind to yourself OP. Take some time off work if you need to look after yourself / process info etc. x

Firstly, I wish you well.

I think the swinging from one emotion to another in any given moment, is part of the healing process. You might find this goes on for a while but embrace it, don't berate yourself and wonder why.

I left a 34 year relationship and whilst I am absolutely fine with life now, I have to remind myself that until 2 years ago, aged 55, I had never lived alone as an adult. It's huge, bills, no sharing any highs and lows, the list is endless. It all outweighed my misery of living with someone I did not like.

I joined a women's group, we go out, etc. I found a truly great new friend and we now have fun.

My ONLY problem is financial when I retire but I am happy.

My post above was for you too.

DH and DS are both out today and tonight. The house is mine. It's so very quiet. A little window into the future. It's horrible.

@MalteaserQueen I’m sorry your evening wasn’t great. It definitely all feels pretty weird, getting used to the aloneness. My friends are a bit scattered these days, so my local social groups are my lifeline in terms of giving me structure and company - book group, exercise classes, rambling group, wild swimming. They are all lovely women anyway, but I find that going into the weekend knowing that I have something where I’ll spend some time with people each day is really important for my wellbeing. Today I have an exercise class at 11 and then tomorrow I’ll meet up with the swimming women. And then around all that I’ll be packing the house some more, and walking the dogs. The dogs are a huge help, in terms of feeling less alone, I must say. And it’s sunny and warm this morning which is always a good start to the day.