Fighting 50/50?

[PinkGorilla]

Worried about 50/50 starting. My stbxh wants 50/50 custody when I move out this month. I'm worrying though, as he hasn't been very hands on most their lives. Yes he can be a Disney Dad and will take them into town most Saturdays and buy them lots of clothes and toys. But I've always been the responsible one doing homework, clubs, school run, meals etc. There's been many occasions when I've gotten home from the hairdressers for example and he's in his computer room with the door shut and the monitor on loudly, so there's no way he can effectively supervise them. The amount of times I've told him to stop shutting the door, but he just won't listen. We also live on a farm and when our kids (aged 7 & 9) play in the front yard, he often doesn't know where they are if they dissappear. I got home yesterday at 7:45pm and he said our 7yr old was out front and he wasn't. Farms are obviously not safe for kids unsupervised, but the ex has grown up on the farm, so doesn't see the danger. He can also get impatient with them if he's had them for more than a day by himself and can be too strict. What are my options? Do I have to allow 50/50 and see how it goes? Wait for them to get hurt? Or can I do something now?

He’s entitled to 50/50 - they’re just as much his kids as they are yours. He has to learn to parent better. You have to learn to let go a bit. It sounds like that won’t be easy, and understandably so from your examples, but it’s the reality.

As tricky as it is, I think you need to reframe , it’s not a case of you “ allowing” it, you both have as much right as the other. You both need to work out what is in the best interests of the children.
50/50 doesn’t have to be the starting point at all, but you need to work out what works best for the children around your jobs etc

@PinkGorilla he might also change his mind once the reality of 50/50 becomes clear to him.

Ah yes 'allow' was probably the wrong word. I really hope he does step up, but he's spent our entire relationship living like a man child who is obsessed with gaming. He's also been very verbally abusive to me over the years, to the point where I have now sought professional support. He doesn't care whether the kids see. But I know that sort of thing is impossible to evidence in court.

Of course he should be entitled to 50/50, if he wants that.

As for parenting - parenting in a couple and then being single are different things. In a partnership me and ex did have some roles we picked up more than others. She was more school orientated, I was more clubs. I did more with son, she did more with daughter - not on purpose but it just fell that way

Realistically he won't want 50/50. They all say this to hurt the mother.

My friend divorced her husband. She was the main parent while they were married. Her husband was the Disney dad. Not a clue about their schooling, friends etc.

He straight away said I'm going for full custody. Friend replied with " Actually, that's a really good idea, it will give time to heal and get back to myself. I can take up my hobbies again and start socialising more" .

Her DH was shocked, he then backtracked and said 50/50 might be better. Again she agreed with him and again said I will have more time to focus on myself.

You know what the final outcome was? He has the children for 3 hours on a Wednesdsy afterschool and one weekend a month. His choice. My friend was happy to go along with this as she wanted the children with her. Children were happy too 10 and 11 as their father wasn't present on a daily basis like their Mam was.

Call his bluff op.

@Cctviswatchingme001 i know many dads who want, and have, 50:50 and are just as good a parent as mum

I never said all Dad's were bad. I was giving an example of what.my friend went through.

Personally I don't know any Dad's that have 50/50. It's always weekends or every other weekend.

Please ignore the people posting things like this, they’re obviously a bit thick. If he hasn’t ’learnt’ to parent properly in the 9 years you’ve had children, and that’s with you trying to supervise him, then he clearly doesn’t give a shit. And before pp like these say ‘well he’ll learn when the op isn’t there’, he’s already been left alone with the full responsibility of looking after his own children and didn’t know where the fuck they even were. And you do not learn to let go (presumably of the apron strings) to very young children on a farm. Google the most dangerous jobs in the uk with the most common deaths, to save you 2 mins, its farmers. You do not shut yourself in a gaming room and have little children loose in the house at all, let alone outdoors, let alone outdoors in one of the most statistically dangerous environments. And on top of this he has a temper the few times he pays attention to them. Op I’d fight this as much as you can

I have mine 50/50 (actually, as I have taken them away more its probably something like 52/53%) - exactly how I wanted it (well, would have wanted them all the time) and 2 years on no novelty worn off yet. For me it just seems so natural and the right thing to do and couldn't imagine it any other way

Call his bluff. Talk excitedly about your plans for hobbies, socialising, dating and going to the gym.

Unless he has a personality transplant, it won’t last 5 mins.
abusive men do this to torture the mothers of their children.
do not allow him to manipulate you. Play that ball back - hard.

I hate this notion that all men only want 50:60 for financial reasons. Yes, some do. No, many don’t. and actually some mums don’t want it because they want maintenance yet nothing is said about that.

is it appropriate here? We don’t really know.
there is a chance he’d be different if he had them 50%. He’d have to. Roles do change when separated. So just because one person isn’t hands on during a relationship doesn’t always mean they won’t be good, solid, reliable and responsible when now not. Eg often men work ft while mum in pt or sahm. So the roles are dad provides money, mum provides care. When separated that changes so dad provides more care and mum provides more income.

50:50 can work well in many cases. there are cases where it just wouldn’t.
if he genuinely wants it he’d most likely get it unless you can specifically show he’s a danger. If you genuinely think it’s not appropriate you can resist it but will need to remain child focussed in your response.

This - I never really touched the washing machine when married, or did any of that (before people criticise I did all the food shopping and cooking) - jobs were shared but more in a you do this and I do that rather than share each one.

Now, I love washing, wash probably far too much!!!