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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Controlling & manipulative ex

9 replies

Bread121bread · 05/05/2025 07:57

Hey, ex moved out two years ago. He decided to see dc twice a week (Friday and Sunday). I put no resistance on this.
He got angry a random Sunday as ds asked him for a second meal. I used to take them to see their dad straight after an activity at 12.30. So basically lunch time.
I responded to this by changing the Sunday times. I said I will feed them lunch and you can pick them up from my house. Because I wasn't gonna stand outside my house argue about feeding my kids. Since then he see them from 1.30pm.

He ended up calling child maintenance on himself, because someone told him he would be paying £300 max. He got shocked when he was told he needed to pay £700.

After a year of paying he quit his job. Went self employed. Got zero money, he didn't even pay the follow up child maintenance payment.

Now my new issue is that he is refusing to pick up dc from my dm house. I work in the hospital as a carer and use dm as free childcare. She (or any of my siblings) pick the dc from their activity and feed dc and hand them over to their dad. On the days I'm working. However, I bring the children here regularly, there are no safe guarding issues at dm house. My family are my life line socially, financially and emotionally.

Can my ex insist that I don't take my dc there? It will add 15-20 min to his journey, collecting them. If he takes the train. Bus/ car it depends on traffic. It will take 10min extra to pick them up from the activity (but as previously stated dc would require feeding) via bus.

He hasn't seen dc for two weeks now and I think he had blocked (as he didn'tanswer the calls I made). Which was very frustrating as I got them ready and ds2 was very worried about his dad welfare. I had asked ex to confirm if he was coming. But he didn't reply to text and WhatsApp either. Finally, ds1 called his father who said I'm not coming, because you are not home. I will only come when you are home. Make sure you are home then we can spend time together. Is what ex said to him.

Ds1 told me "dad is not coming". Ds2 started crying asking me why his dad wasn't coming. I asked ds1 to call his dad and hand the phone over to his brother. I was very frustrated and left the room with my sister and ds2. I went to the garden to calm down.

When I returned ds2 was calm and he asked me again why his dad wasn't coming and he started crying again. I asked him if he spoke to his dad. He said dad is not making sense. I then went into damage control. Told him his dad must be to exhausted because his new job is very challenging. "Your dad loves you, but he is just exhausted." That calmed him down. Dsis later told me she heard ex saying "I can only pick you up from (my address), make sure you are at (my address) next Sunday and I will come and see you then."

How do I handle this?

OP posts:

Bigfatsunandclouds · 05/05/2025 08:46

Write a text/email stating that for childcare purposes to enable you to work the children will be at x location. You make them available to pick up, if he doesn't that's on him. He's a deadbeat that doesn't pay, barely sees them and is trying to control your life. Don't engage!!

Original poster

Bread121bread · 05/05/2025 10:32

But with that won't he agree to pick them up from mom house only on the days I work on Sunday? Ask me for proof I'm working? I don't want to send him my work rota.

OP posts:

LemonTT · 05/05/2025 10:42

He is being an ass but he is holding you to an arrangement you put in place. Which is laid out in the first paragraph. You told him the arrangement would be that you fed the children on a Sunday and then he picked them up from yours.

I can see that on occasions your work is getting in the way of you being able to do that. But on this occasion you weren’t at work. You had taken the children to your family’s house. Then told him to pick them up there. I don’t know how he is expected to keep up with the planning. But it shouldn’t be via your child.

I don’t think you are trying to mess him around but he might see it that way. If it ended up in court then you would need to agree a single arrangement for pick ups or you would need to have them dropped off at his. I can’t really see him being told to chop and change every week to suit you. Especially when you aren’t working and could have kept to the agreement. It would be your responsibility to facilitate the agreement. Which in this case is pick up from yours.

It’s a failure and disgrace on his part that he acted the way he did. But you should have either had the kids at home or dropped them off to him. There were at least 2 adults who could have facilitated this rather than let your child be put in the middle.

Original poster

Bread121bread · 05/05/2025 10:53

Ok, with court I can make that point my mom house.

We been separated for two years. He has picked the kids up from mom house numerous times, before. It is a regular thing now. Everyone is used to this. It is routine now. Every school holiday the kids have been at mom house.
I have no idea where this change in behaviour has come from. He could have spoken to me about it before.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bread121bread · 05/05/2025 10:58

He is paranoid and don't want me to know his address. So I can't drop the kids off. I have no idea why he is hiding his address. Maybe it is because we haven't done the legal divorce yet and he don't want to get served divorce papers.

He cut the Friday visitation I think. He hasn't come last two Fridays. He didn't even tell us. I just kept the kids occupied. No dc got upset, so I was quite.

OP posts:

Bunnyisputbackinthebox · 05/05/2025 11:00

Imo a judge would enjoy putting that twat in his place. Of course he should collect from your dm's....

Fitzcarraldo353 · 05/05/2025 11:04

@LemonTT yeah but he could pick the children directly up from their activity, which was the original arrangement except he refuses to feed his own children. So they could revert to the original arrangement and he could stick a sandwich in them. So.je doesn't have to chop and change according to her rota.he would have a fixed arrangement

LemonTT · 05/05/2025 11:15

Fitzcarraldo353 · 05/05/2025 11:04

I am not saying he isn’t being an awkward twat but the whole arrangement is messed up. The OP doesn’t have a good co parenting arrangement. She is in conflict with her ex. Therefore a flexible one that relies on cooperation isn’t going to work. It is leaving the children stuck in the middle.

Original poster

Bread121bread · 05/05/2025 13:39

I don't want the dc in the middle but ex is not answering my calls. How do I solve this issue without losing my childcare? And my family to the wimp of ex?

Ds1 has his year 6 SATs next week. So this nonsense could have waited a bit.

Threatening not to feeding 3, 7 and 10 year old children once a week is not being a twat. Not to mention he was shouting at me for the dc being hungry. The 3 year old did not attend the activity, but ex returned them at 7pm. It is ludicrous that it was expected I feed them. The shouting was verbal abuse, the refusing to feed them was borderline neglectful. I also packed them snacks. As they eat little but often.

OP posts:

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