Domestic abuse/emotional abuse

[TheWarySwan]

Good afternoon,

I am wondering how domestic abuse/emotional abuse from husband to wife is viewed in terms of child arrangements if it goes to court?

The domestic/emotional abuse has been witnessed by two young children.

Many thanks for any advice

Its viewed badly . What outcome are you hoping for exactly?

I would like to encourage a relationship by the children's father but I would like this to be in a safe and controlled way due to the abuse and the impact to our children

and what sort of outcome does the father want?

50/50

In my experience CAFCASS recognised the coparenting relarionship between us was not good, that Dad had strong views about me, that due to the kid's health stuff our communication needed to be better. Because of the abuse that the kid's witnessed and his erratic behaviour I had stopped contact, but I had no evidence of abuse in the relationship and the bits i did report to the police weren't taken further unfortunately because i hadn't been hurt badly enough. So in the end only the verbal abuse that Dad openly shared in court and stupid things he said that hurt his case actually made a difference. My evidence didn't make a difference and questions of the children's school/nursery weren't asked by cafcass in relation to who was the main carer. The status quo of who the main carer was discussed alot, so if you were then it is something to highlight to cafcass so they ask this question.
I think I was lucky that Dad shot himself in the foot if I am honest.
Document everything.

Thank you for your reply. What evidence did you have?

Can you tell me what the end result was in terms of your child arrangements? Thanks

So my post split evidence: two witnesses and two videos of a physcial altercation, but because I wasn't physically hurt enough it didn't go further with the police, although he was interviewed and his story changed dramaticallty once he found out i had videos of it. A video of him at my new home and punching objects in front of the children, denied it despite video proof. Proof that he didn't follow medical advice for the kids through his messages. This was all put down to a difficult split and a lack of communication by both of us (despite then being told i should continue with the way i communicate and there was nothing more i could do)...

Photos of bruises left on the kids pre split, a broken tv that he punched. Witness statements saying I was the main carer, over 300 medical letters showing I attended and he didn't because I was the main carer, videos of him not carrying medicine despite being court ordered to do so and 3 witnesses on all different occasions saying the same.
Hundreds of emails, WhatsApp messages where he verbally attacked me, changed his mind constantly on everything to hurt me through the kids, saying he will tell the kids stuff and then me documenting what he told them.
But court still said that we both jointly cared for the children despite not asking the school and nursery who have only dealt with me.
And first judge said there was no evidence of abuse, last judge disagreed because of what he said in court.
In my experience, and from I was told by my legal team, I was lucky to get verbally abusive in my court order. So much easier to get physical abuse proven if medical and police records show the pattern. It's really hard to show emotional, financial and coercive control...

In the end he got one night less every two weeks than recommended by cafcass, so in the end got every other weekend and one midweek night the next week, three nights every fortnight. Which my barrister said was unlikely to happen but she was glad I stuck to it. Dad wanted resident parent, or at the least he wanted 50/50.

i really hope it works for you! Fingers crossed for you! It's extremely tough but it is possible.

Thank you for such a detailed reply and I'm so sorry to hear what you have had to endure at the hands of your ex.

My stbxh has been telling me he will paint a false narrative that he is primary parent and always has been. This is not the case but I do worry as he is very clever and manipulative.

Does the current situation have any bearing on the child arrangements decision? Our kids dad has barely seen them or asked after them since he left over a month ago. The children are happier and more settled now, it is almost as if they are relieved.

Yes that massively helps your case. Document everything. Screenshot every message, only communicate in writing. You ex said exactly what my ex did, and the only evidence my ex had was a list of chores he did around the house that he wrote himself... which was mostly a lie.
So sorry you are going through this but glad the kids are settled.
How old are you children? Are they able to potentially talk and share that they haven't seen daddy? Because ex is likely to lie and say he saw them constantly or that you withheld the kids. But they'll be no evidence.
Might be worth putting another post up here asking how long after the kids not seeing their dad at all is it then acceptable to start contact though maybe phonecalls and then build up by starting at a couple of hours and increasing extremely slowly. Others will have more experience of that. Or depending on the abuse the kids suffered/witnessed that you stop all contact and he has to take you to court to get access. I'm just thinking you should have a plan in place in your mind about how to deal with contact if he wants to restart. He'll expect to show up and have the kids whenever he wants. But you can choose to start it off slowly as contact has been non existent which will infuriate him that you are in control.
When i stopped contact due to his behaviour the kids were so much more settled than now where they see him. I did phone calls back then and the kids barely wanted to join in, it showed alot.
I'd also inform school/nursery if you haven't already that the kids haven't seen their dad and there are currently no plans for them to as dad isn't interested. Explajn that they seem fine but any support that could be offered would be great. Then school/nursery will log this and it will help you to prove it if it went to court.

My children are young (5 and 2).

I have been in to see the teacher at school to update her on the current situation. Nursery are also aware. Both have offered to support the children with this transition.

When the courts look at the 'status quo', is this the current situation or what things were like before the separation?

I was encouraging contact immediately following the separation but he started to be very difficult and had started threatening to take the kids away from me in front of them. Since this point I explained I would only discuss child arrangements via my solicitor. I have sent a letter outlining what I feel is appropriate which is a phased approach. I'm waiting for a response. I've no doubt he'll say I've withheld contact during this period but I don't think it's acceptable to threaten me in front of the kids and feel that seeing their dad sporadically is extremely confusing for them. I hope I'm doing the right thing.

I don't think my ex will have any proof of him being the primary parent. He will also argue a list of household chores and say how many school pick ups/drop offs he did but I did everything else in terms of their schooling, medical appointments, buying them what they need, planning activities, play dates, emotional support etc etc.

Mine are now 2 and 6, sounds to me like you've done everything right. Well done for getting the solicitor to send the letter, that is what made me look reasonable too.
Discussing adult issues in front of/with the children is frowned upon in court. I would suggest secretly recording any handovers in the future and only doing handover in a public place with cctv if it get to the point of contact being re-established. You don't want him at your home given the abuse. If you can, take a third party to every handover too, even if they just sit in the car. Keep posting here or in AIBU as soon many women have been so creative with the way they manage their experience and have shared with me and it has helped immensely.

So they will look at the status quo before the split, and then in my case by the time we got to a final decision in court it was a year since we had split and he couldn't argue i wasn'tprimary carer. Because our coparenting relationship was so, so bad that 50/50 was deemed not in the best interests of the children, and that the kids were settled and there were no doubts about my parenting, so they decided I would get a lives with order. So the longer dad goes without seeing the kids works in your favour.
In my case contact stopped for 4 months (except phone calls that I facilitated) before our first court date he was then given 3 hours a week until the next court date where it was then a slow increase in time.
My other advice would be to document everything, what your kids say, dates you informed the school, any contact with him. Court would want to know what happened (no emotion), how did it affect the kids (this is the most important one), I was told on here to rate the kid's mood out of 5 which is a new thing I am doing when logging stuff. Add any evidence you might have.
I'd advise you to follow LegallyNik on instagram, she gives great advice.
I'm only 15months since our split, and although ex is awful, doesn't prioritise the kids, badmouths me to them and a whole host of other things, I just wanted to say that this time next year you will be in a far better place. You will look back and see how far you have all come and feel safe and happy in your home. Your ex's behaviour may still cause problems but I promise that you become so much better at managing how you deal with it and therefore being able to support your kids emotionally, the boundaries you are already putting in place (amazing job by the way!) Will be so worth it. You're doing so well already!

Thank you again for your helpful reply.

Am I being unreasonable not facilitating contact whilst the solicitor is handling the arrangements? If he asked after the kids or expressed a wish to call them, I would be ok with this but he hasn't asked.

Ex has a very demanding job and is a high earner. He works 9-5 Monday to Friday (and additional hours from his phone). I work part time 3 days a week and I work flexibly which enables me to work from home and do all school drop offs and pick ups. Ex wants 50/50 shared care despite this not being in the children's best interests. It would be hard for him to commit to but I'm worried he will lie and say he is flexible and able to work around the kids. He is motivated by money and I believe the main reason for requesting 50/50 is to avoid paying me maintenance. The kids are obviously too young to have a say but they would want to live with me and spend time with Dad.

Is there any other evidence I can gather to strengthen my case?

Your ex sounds just like mine. We are only weeks into the new court order and on Friday he didn't pick our eldest up (i posted in aibu for advice). Exact same motives, not flexible at all... so.similar!
Ask family and friends to write statements about what they witnessed your roles both to do during the relationship. Make them put their full name, date and sign them. Keep them for a rainy day. They can then do more down the road with an updated version of what they have witnessed (him not being involved). Contact the GP, hospital, health workers, dentist and ask for records. On the records it often says 'attended with mum', with the dentist my appointments and the kids are at the same time so showed i was there. If the kids attend classes or clubs regularly you can ask them to write something saying you took them, have they met dad, etc.
Bank account if any of the kid's things come from your account like clubs, etc.
When talking to cafcass, if it gets to that point, discuss your role as main carer. I didn't know at the time that was up for debate, so I wasn't focused on that because it was so wildly obvious I was the main carer during the relationship.
It is so hard to prove that you do the day to day stuff. So he has actually done you a favour not asking for contact which is awful for the kids in some ways.
If anything has happened fairly recently with regards to domestic abuse it is okay to speak to the police and get it logged. It is worth doing so as it the shows a pattern of behaviour, but also my ex then realised that I would continue to contact the police when his behaviour was unacceptable and he has had to change his behaviour in public/handovers which is good for the kids.

I contacted my GP prior to the separation as the emotional abuse was destroying my mental health (still is) so i feel there will be a log there.

I have also reported it to the police. I decided not to make a statement and proceed with things but there will be an incident logged.

I also have assistance from a domestic abuse charity, I have a support worker working with me.

Do you think this will be enough to ensure that the kids aren't put in a harmful situation? I am terrified as I have been reading more and more that 50/50 shared care is the go to by the court.

The court needs to know how the kids were affected, and will always want the kids to have a relationship with their dad. That is my understanding. It seems rare for dad's to have no contact (unless the parent chooses to not play an active role) so the goal is probably to get the plan where he has them as little as possible for short periods of time.
Log his erratic behaviour, his lack of ability to coparent, any messages which rant on about things that aren't child focused.
It could be beneficial to make that statement with the police, if they decide to take it further that is when it will impact court.
Speak to your support worker as they will have a wealth of knowledge to help.
Lack of successful coparentjng communication, him not having any contact at all, you being historically and continuing to be the main carer will all work in your favour as courts like to maintain the status quo.
If he gets in contact i would strongly recommend using a coparenting all like Our Family Wizard as our messages were used in court as evidence. Messages can't be deleted and you can do phone calls, video calls, joint calendar, send documents messages, everything is on there. So you can then block him on everything. It costs just over £100 a year however they have a hardship fund application where they will support if you meet the criteria. If dad chooses to not join OFW app then that is on him. But I would treat do this unless he keeps contacting you.

So the police said a crime had been committed (coercive or controlling behaviour) and they wanted to interview him but I did not want them to do this as I was scared of what he would do at the time. I wish I had let them interview him. This has all been logged but would it be enough?

I would like the kids to have a relationship with their Dad as they rightly should, I just don't feel it should be 50/50.

I have set out proposals via the solicitor which is stepped. The final phase is one midweek overnight and EOW with overnights. Does this seem fair? I have no idea what he will come back with.

Your propsal is 4 nights EOW, which is more than I suggested for my ex. Court usually do what you suggest and have the midweek night every week. You seem reasonable to me.

Consider going back to the police. Unfortunately no matter if you do or don't go through the police your ex's abusive behaviour will likely increase as post separation abuse is usually worse. Having it on record the family court won't care about, they do care about pressing charges.

There was recently a new change to court advice that if there is proven abuse towards mum then it must be considered that the kids were affected whether they did or didn't see it. I think if the police wanted to interview him then call them and ask if it is possible to take it further now. If anything it'll make you ex realise boundaries are very clearly in place. Well it did with mine.

Do courts always go to 50/50 or would my suggestion be deemed as fair?

I feel it is too late to decide to press charges now and I worry that he will make my life hell if I do that too.

Is there any other evidence I can gather of anything to help my case?

My understanding is 50/50 is the starting point for courts unless one parent wants less, one parent is unfit (drink, drugs, serious neglect), or when domestic abuse has been stated that outs doubt jn their minds, but you have to prove it.

In my case his verbal abuse towards me which was proven in his interview with cafcass, when he was questioned and in all of his position statements. I then proved that his string views on me spilled over jnto our coparenting and negatively affected it. I did this Our Family Wizard coparenting app messages he sent me and how reasonable i was in every response. This helped cafcass and the judge see it was extremely difficult to coparent with him. But that relies on your ex showing his truth self and sharing his strong opinions about you to the professionals. Cafcass recommendations in my case were what you have suggestions, the Judge lowered to my suggestion of every other week for midweek contact.
If your ex was abusive it won't stop, it will continue just in different ways. I know it is scary, I still have that fear of how he is going to react sometimes a year on, but by breaking down his control on you is the best way to put those boundaries in place and start to show him he can't walk all over you, and you will be happier for the kids.