He is keeping money while I put my whole wages to joint account

[ThisLemonDog]

I’m divorcing my husband & starting mediation soon. we have 2 kids (6&9). In the meanwhile he is putting minimal amount for the bills and keeping £1500 to himself while I put my whole wages into joint as I earn significantly less.

I have said there are some necessary expense coming up, including new car seat as 6yo is still using baby seat in his car. He asked if it’s from joint account or he has to buy it, so I said joint is fine, but then he told me if he’s putting that amount extra into joint it’s not really from joint, it’s from his money. He told me to buy other items such as kitchen pans from my own money.

I’m using my own saving to buy shampoo or gym membership for myself. It’ll be the same for the pans. Eventually my saving will run out and not sure what I’m supposed to do.

He said he is saving his money for new house for himself, in the meantime we live together. But when I asked the aimed amount or length of time, he said it’s his money so it’s none of my business.

I feel I can’t have much life, and not knowing how long it will continue it’s stressful. Child maintenance amount is so minimal if childcare is 50/50 it won’t do much for me. Should I look to sell the current properly and try move much smaller house?! It’s better for kids to remain in the same area so I’m torn. Not sure what to ask for in mediation, any advise is appreciated. TIA.

Are you part time?

When you say he is paying minimum towards the bills, is that towards bills and mortgage? Are you paying 50/50 towards bills and mortgage?

What is your plan for in the future, are you planning on staying in the family home and taking on the mortgage solely? If you don't have any money left each month then will you be able to afford this? Is the plan to have 50/50 childcare going forwards?

I am in a similar situation, currently living with Ex but looking to buy somewhere this year. We pay exactly 50/50 for all house expenses and everything for our DS is paid 50/50, regardless of earnings. Anything we want that is just for ourselves is paid from out own money.

Sorry to hear you are struggling though, have you worked out how much you need for mortgage, bills, food, etc once you are divorced?

I’m a bit confused about this, so are you currently both paying 50/50 into the joint account?

Where is he currently living ?
is he having to pay rent ?

what care your respective incomes ?

It would be helpful to clarify what the question is or the advice your are seeking.

You are separated. He has set an expectation that you are both equally responsible for bread winning responsibilities. If living costs as a family are £2000 then you both pay £1000 regardless of what you earn.

But you could set an equal expectation that he does 50% of the homemaking. Is he doing that or is the need for you to do homemaking prohibiting you from working.

If you are living together and have children both of you really should approach this with their well being in mind and get over whatever animosity is between you.

Given you are now separated, I don't think it's his responsibility to make sure you have spending money

Do you know you can claim universal credit when separated? Even if you are still living together.

Thanks for all replies - really appreciate it. sorry I didn’t explain well enough about the situation.

No he earns much more than me 78k and I do 26k although currently part time (4 days a week). Previously worked 3 days but I had mental illness in the past so didn’t suddenly want to increase to full time (plus the afterschool club cost is not that different from what I’d earn). I’ll probably increase to 5 days of 2 days to be shorter houses so I can pick kids up from school. The amount he puts to joint account is around 1.6 times more than mine currently, and all get used for mortgage and bills.

he still lives with me, and wants us to continue living in the same house while he saves up for new house. His preference is for me and kids to continue living in the family home, but the Mortgage will need to be joint name as i won’t be able to afford by myself, therefore he needs to save up, unless we sell this house and I move out of area in much smaller house. I don’t mind that at all (there is benefit for school catchment) but then he said he wants to buy this family house and I’m scared he’ll take the kids away from me. It’s a good area with friends around for them.

While it’s fine to live together for time being (as it’ll probably be gentle change to the children), he has no intention to tell me how much or how long he wants to save. I feel that’s not fair while I have no spending money and while I could be 1 year, it can be 5 years which I don’t think I’d be happy to.

As I increased work hours he started to look after kids 3 times a week and some cleaning. There are many worries around it so far but I know I got to get used to it.

my question is, is it likely I’ll have to put 50/50 to the bill even though the salary is very different, and any suggestion what I could ask to make the best outcome for kids and myself? Many thanks.

The his money argument might not wash when the divorce financials are decided. All could be deemed matrimonial property. You should get legal advice asap. Appreciate there is a cost but sounds like you can’t afford not to OP.

Yes he has no legal or any other obligation to subsidise your half of the bills. 50/50 is him covering his end.

The marrige part is over so there's no more "fair".

If you're happy to I'd explore moving out and becoming financially independent. Sell the house and fully separate all finances.

Would he seek 50/50?

50/50 is fair now OP, sorry. He’s not your partner and he no longer has any responsibility to make sure you have spending money, you’re separated and so you’re living as two individual people rather than a family unit now financially.

You’re going to struggle to be honest to keep him on the mortgage, a clean break is preferred and if you can’t afford the bills on 50% of the house then you can’t afford to pay 100% of them, so you keeping the house is not realistic.

As PP said 50 50 is these days the start position. When you split the house asset, ypur solicitor will take into account that your earning power is less and ask for a greater share of the house equity so that you can both be adequately housed for the children.
Make sure that everything really is 50 50 so in terms of cleaning and household duties and also your expenditure, so does he eat more or different food if its more expensive then he needs to top it up. Or if he's got other expenses eg hobby then they don't go on the joint account.
You will have to watch the pennies I'm afraid OP

You have to tell him that once your funds run out you won't be able to pay the mortgage. If he's not paying either then both your credit scores will be fucked ...affecting both of your ability to borrow in the future...and the lender will end up with the house...and his children will be homeless .

Thank you @RedRock41 - I have booked for legal advise now.

@Dinosaurshoebox he told me before he wants 5050 and he won’t then have to give me any money. He also said his intention isn’t to screw me over financially but seems like that’s what he’s doing.
I’ll explore to move away from this house but as I said before my worry is he’ll take this house including children.

@Mrsttcno1 it makes sense, thank you. I do feel better since myself stepping back from the carrier was a joint decision and there doesn’t seem any valuation for housework’s and childcare I’ve done. Now i will loose a lot and maybe children because he earns more.

@Whyherewego thank you for kind advise. We are going to take mediation and not to court (at least for now) so unsure how much the mediator / he will consider about earning power, but I hope they do. It’s hard to share other things 5050 as he isn’t organised, forget stuff (including kids medication etc) and I like thins tidy..

If you have split up you can and you should make decisions for yourself. It isn’t his responsibility to do that for you.

There is nothing wrong with his plan to save independently from you. If the marital assets are too low to fund new homes for both of you then it is the best thing he could do for him and for his children.

It is important that you understand that the divorce won’t necessarily lead to an outcome that allows either of you to buy. It’s not a basic need.

Your question is whether you should push ahead with financial separation? But you don’t provide enough information for anyone to help with that decision.

The divorce will split the assets you accrued in the marriage, this includes your individual savings for the period you were together. It will treat his savings from after the split differently and you may not benefit from them.

You will get a share of assets. Do you have any idea what that would look like? Is it anyway near enough for you to buy in your local area?

You do know you can’t move the children out of school without his agreement? This means you need to plan around them staying in the local area. Which is always better for the children who shouldn’t have to travel long distances to school or between parents.

The economics of your situation aren’t clear. But if I had to guess splitting the costs of the current home is the cheapest way you could live at the moment. If you move out those costs will be 100% yours. You might get some child support and benefits.