How do you handle the rage?

[GreenwayHouse]

My ex (not married) treated me horribly and has been prevaricating over a financial settlement. He’s very financially comfortable and is getting to keep our house because I can’t afford to stay here. I asked him for a financial settlement that was advantageous to him but was ok for me, in the hope that we could get something sorted out quite quickly. I am moving back into a house that I rent out and I need to get it remortgaged soon and he knows that I am up against a time limit.

After I’ve been chasing, he’s finally replied to my proposal with a much lower figure. I don’t know how he can have it on his conscience to treat me so badly (left me in hospital when I was very ill last November to go abroad, for example), effectively chuck me out of our home and then offer me a much lower figure. He’s moved out temporarily but only because I was going to leave until I could move back into my house.

I messaged him last night appealing to his better nature. Asking him to redeem himself by agreeing to what I’ve proposed. And he hasn’t. I would understand it if he needed the money but he really, really doesn’t.

If roles were reversed, I’d be feeling so bad I’d give him what I’ve asked him for and would even round it up to give him a bit more.

I can’t sleep, I’m so full of rage at him, and I need to get up early for work. I know I just need to move on and put all of this behind me but I don’t understand how you can spend years with someone only for them to turn out to be so vile and uncaring. How have others in this situation handled the rage?

I'm not sure why you're surprised. You say he buggered off abroad when you were really ill so you know what he's capable of.

Dealing with rage: loud music, boxercise, smashing things, journalling, swearing/shouting.

Thank you. I have smashed a few things and have been swearing and playing loud music.

I just can’t get my head around how someone can have so little conscience. He has so much money he doesn’t know what to do with it. I thought he’d be feeling so bad at how he’d treated me that he’d want to at least do the right thing with a financial settlement.

I split up with someone up in my 20s and we had no trouble reaching a financial settlement. It was all nice and amicable and we parted on good terms. This has been a horrible experience and so different to how I would have handled it if roles were reversed.

I feel so hurt that he has it in him to be so uncaring.

You could try a Rage Room. Here are some examples:
https://secretldn.com/best-rage-rooms-london/

Thank you. Someone mentioned them to me the other night and I was googling to see if there was one near me.

I can’t sleep so have just been deleting every photo of him from my phone. 9 years’ worth of photos. It’s quite cathartic. I don’t want to think about him anymore or have any reminders of him. I feel sick that I let him into my family and that he cuddled my nieces and nephews.

What settlement are you expecting? As you’re not married the only thing to sort is a house if you own one. And on that it’s very clear - it depends if you hold it as joint tenants (50%) equity is owed or tenants in common ( in equal or unequal shares depending any deed)

there’s nothing else to settle

It’s not that simple unfortunately.

I think I am surprised because he’s not always been so horrible but he’s not been nice to me since late last summer. And I think I have been thinking about what I would do if I were in his shoes and I know I would be acting totally differently. I would be feeling so guilty at how I’d treated him if roles were reversed that I’d want to make sure he was ok, especially if I had a lot of money like he has, and I would be generous with a settlement.

I am also going on previous experience. I split up with someone when I was in my 20s and we owned a house that we had to sell. Everything was so much more amicable with that split and there was no wrangling over the settlement. I thought this would be the same now. But my most recent ex now has been cruel and I can’t understand how he can behave like this. I know it’s a common story but I honestly didn’t know he had it in him to be so mercenary.

I got the rage when my ex moved his girlfriend in just months after I moved out and I was still paying ALL the mortgage. I dealt with it by joining a walking group and spending whole days out walking. Rage powered me up hills and being outdoors and with others really helped to get rid of my pent up anger.

It is that simple

No, it is not. I can’t be bothered to go into the details of our financial arrangements on this thread as I’ve posted about it before and that’s not what my post was about. My post is about his behaviour and how I deal with it.

How horrendous! I’m sorry. I am doing a lot of running at the moment and that is helping to keep me sane. It’s awful when friends don’t see how vile they are being.

I wish I hadn’t seen his message before going to bed last night as I couldn’t do anything about my rage then. I couldn’t go for a run at midnight!

Yes, it was horrendous and I couldn't believe he was doing it. But just hang on to the fact that things will get better. Mine was 12 years ago and I just feel sorry that he was very lonely at the time. I'm not angry any more. Keep on running!

I hope these financial agreements are in writing and not just word of mouth as that counts for nothing and you can easily be left high and dry without any thing. If that’s the case take whatever it is he is offering.

If you don’t agree with the settlement, go to a solicitor if it’s not word of mouth agreements.

Thanks @Blackbookofsmiles1
I had to consult a solicitor as he was going to be difficult about part of it. He has now consulted and come back to me. He has all the power though - more money, more time, and he has threatened to move back into the house if I don’t agree. He knows I won’t cope well if he moves back into.
So I will have to go back to my solicitor but I have limited funds and he doesn’t. He’s vile. I can’t believe I spent 9 years of my life with this person.

How you deal with it depends on what you’re fighting for and whether there’s any legal basis to them as you’re not married If not, you’ll need to let them go and learn to move on otherwise it’s you’re life you’re impacting not his

if there is legal basis for a settlement ( which would be unusual ) let your solicitor deal with it

if there isn’t, then it’s not worth the fight

@millymollymoomoo
That wasn't my question though. This isn't about the settlement. I've got a solicitor looking at the ins and outs of that.

Hi @LillyPJ
What did you mean that you felt sorry for him that he was lonely at the time?
Glad you are doing much better.

There are so many emotions to have to deal with in a separation but it be so much easier if it was dealt with in a nice way. My ex has been awful at every stage.

I think part of it is the lack of control I feel I have over it all. I feel he has all the power right now. I'm hoping my solicitor can come back with something.

It also feels as if he's won with everything. He's got rid of me, he gets to keep our house and financially he's doing really well out of it all. I've lost my relationship, my home, a friendship group, his family, and am going to be significantly worse off. And none of it is what I wanted.

Sounds like it's his house?. Did you buy it together?.

We bought it together but I can't afford to stay in it and he can. So I am having to leave.

Rage, anger and bitterness are all destructive emotions and they are ones that poison you not him. You need to decide whether they are emotions you want to let dominate your life.

It appears he doesn’t like you any more and you don’t like him. That happens to some relationships. There is nothing left between you but a financial tie which is common ownership of one property. If as you say that is a complicated situation he isn’t going to just quickly agree to paying you an arbitrary sum of money because it suits you for him to.

I think the fundamental question is why is he not saying yes to your offer. Is it because

1. it is complicated and he needs more time
2. he is deliberately thwarting you
3. he is pushing for a better deal because he knows you need the money quickly.

whichever is the case it is ball in his court. Which leaves you powerless until he responds. That is the source of your anger. You want to move on but can’t. And a fundamental part of your life is out of your control and influence.

One way to deal with it is to forget about the deadline you have set for yourself. Accept it won’t be met. Then you have all the time in the world. Something he might not want. Because the last thing he wants is for you to continue to let out the property and take up residence in the joint asset for the foreseeable future.

Dont threaten but state to him that you need him to give you an answer and your share by x date so you can move into the other property. After x date you will have no choice but to continue with it as a rental meaning you will continue to reside in the joint property. That makes your problem his problem.

@GreenwayHouse I felt sorry for him because I knew I'd be fine on my own. I like being alone and don't need company all the time, whereas he's one of those people who needs to be with people. I really hoped he'd find somebody - but not quite so soon and preferably somebody a bit more suitable. I think he's ok and we would be friends if his new partner let him. I have no hard feelings towards him.

I know it’s not directly your question
but your relationship has broken down and you’re angry/emotional/resentfull or whatever. He’s not who you thought he was but equally he’s trying to retain his assets too so I expect emotions are running high.

you can allow them to fuel you or you can learn to let go. But I still say it depends on your expectations. It’s not about him winning or losing. It’s about who owns what as that literally is the settlement

Thanks @LemonTT
I think he had some sort of breakdown last year, or he has depression or something, and he looked around for a reason why and decided I'm now the Worst Person In The World/the devil incarnate. He blamed his low mood on me and switched off to me some time ago. I was busy caring for an ill parent for a couple of months, trying to work out what was wrong with him, and then I ended up in hospital myself, during which time he left me and went abroad. I told him to go as it was a trip to see a family member but he clearly didn't care about me while he was away and while I was very ill in hospital. That hurt.

So yes, he stopped liking me a long time ago but wouldn't tell me why, just stopped talking to me, and I'm extremely hurt by the way he's treated me and the fact that even me being very ill in hospital didn't jolt him out of the horrible mood he'd been in. It wasn't long after I came out of hospital that things came to a head. Since then he's shown no guilt whatsoever, has been extremely uncaring, is forcing me to leave our home, and now is being difficult about a financial settlement. I don't know how he can have it on his conscience (and am beginning to wonder if he has one).

I have said that I'm going to be much worse off by moving back into my rental house and that I didn't want to leave so I could just stay unless he does agree to giving me what I've asked for. I hoped this might encourage him to get a settlement sorted out. But because he's totally switched off to me now, me being the Worst Person In The World and everything, I don't think he'd care if I was here or not. And he knows my mental health would be affected more than his if he came back to the house while I was still here so he knows I'm unlikely to follow through with that.

You're right - I do feel that this is all out of my control and it's really hard. I also think about what I would do if I were him and I would be doing this completely differently. I'd have sorted it out a long time ago and would have given what he asked for - and more - because I'd have felt so guilty. He seems to have no feelings of guilt whatsoever.