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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Can this be fair

21 replies

TheQuickScroller · 28/04/2025 15:01

I’m in my 50’s now and have 2 kids at uni, I rent privately and it’s a struggle financially, my ex husband the father of the 2 at uni was left a inheritance of £250,000 and though we nearly divorced we hadn’t finalised. He said if I didn’t finalise then his family wouldn’t buy him a house. He was living with his mother and she was going into assisted living after a stroke. He had the kids every other weekend at this point. Although his mother did all the looking after. And years later my kids said he used to shout at her and make her cry. Anyway later on I found out he got left £250,000 so he bought a house for 180,000 which was totally unsuitable for the kids as on main road tiny 2nd bedroom. And from that day on he never had the kids , he spent years building an extension on. He sid pay maintenance as that was agreement when I finalised divorce. Years later he now lives in a five bedroom house in the country on his own and he has given up work and is on benefits. How can this be fair I’m angry as the emotional damage from our marriage as he was so angry and abusive , I’ve never moved on. Also the first house we owned when we got married was bought on my salary and I had a good job. I never could build up my career as I had his kids and a breakdown in my 30’s I had to sell the house as he wouldn’t help in any way to let us stay and his family put the deposit down and wanted it back although I’m sure he kept it. I had 3 kids under ten and was mentally not well enough to afford the mortgage. So we sold up but not enough for me to put a deposit down. I’ve tented ever since. His 2 kids are on the spectrum which is from him I’m sure. Anyway do you think that legally I could do anything as my kids are over 18 but they need financial help and he just sits in that house worth all that money with five bedrooms and signs on. It’s disgusting as I work full time whilst he does that. Any advice would help. He did say that he would leave the house to all his kids as one way of persuading me but he is always falling out with them and he may have to sell it for his own care home bills you just don’t know, it just seems all so unfair that he can get away with it

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 28/04/2025 15:04

So this is your ex, divorce all sorted, kids are over 18 and he always paid maintenance… what is legally that you think you are owed here? He’s paid what he had to, presumably there was a settlement on divorce, you don’t have a leg to stand on here.

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/04/2025 15:09

As my mum always said, no one said life was fair op. Because it isn’t. I don’t think there’s anything you can do here.

GreatDad1988 · 28/04/2025 17:07

If you finalised the divorce and didn't bring this up then, it's likely too late to do anything.

Is it fair that he has what he has and you don't? No, but you it wouldn't be fair to say he shouldn't have it either, since the divorce is done.

TheQuickScroller · 28/04/2025 19:51

There is a lot more to this story than I can put down as I would go on for ever. I guess I just wanted to vent, especially to us mothers who bring up kids on our own. I made a wrong decision when I was 16 falling in love with him. So guess it’s all my fault being so stupid

OP posts:
Hoplolly · 28/04/2025 19:59

Anyway do you think that legally I could do anything as my kids are over 18 but they need financial help and he just sits in that house worth all that money with five bedrooms and signs on.

In short, probably not. That's the whole point of sorting finances out at the same time as divorce. Your kids are adults.

Life is unfair and as he's not your husband, he's not responsible for your mental health or the fact that you never moved on.

You need to just try and find away and let go of this bitterness. I say that as someone who is divorced herself. Only person you're hurting is yourself.

Winter2020 · 28/04/2025 20:00

I'm sure a lot of what happened wasn't fair but you need to look forward now and not back at what he is doing.

If he lives on benefits alone he will be massively struggling to maintain a big house - it's about £90 a week isn't it for a single adult?

millymollymoomoo · 28/04/2025 22:09

Did you get a clean break consent order ?

Quitelikeit · 28/04/2025 22:12

You need to find out if you had a clean break order - if not then seek legal advice to get whst you can

rwalker · 28/04/2025 22:15

his family bought him a house and he inherited off his mum
tbh he didn’t rinse you out of family assets you 2 had worked for and built up between you
I get you feel aggrieved but hand on heart if you had inherited at the last hour in your divorce would you of thought it was fair if you would of had to give him a chunk of it

TheQuickScroller · 28/04/2025 22:22

He is responsible for my mental health he was a horrible bully shouting and being abusive I had him removed by the police in the end and I had a nervous breakdown due to all the stress

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TheQuickScroller · 28/04/2025 22:24

i did have an inheritance which I spent on us and his kids. He inherited 250,000 and didn’t give one penny to any of his kids.

OP posts:
TheQuickScroller · 28/04/2025 22:25

He didn’t always pay maintenance only when I agreed to finalise the divorce so he could buy his house

OP posts:
Gonk123 · 28/04/2025 22:28

I think you need to let this one go…

millymollymoomoo · 28/04/2025 22:51

The only question is

dud you get a clean break order? If yes you have to let it go as you’re only hurting yourself here

if no, see if you have a claim

BeerAndMusic · 28/04/2025 22:59

TheQuickScroller · 28/04/2025 22:24

i did have an inheritance which I spent on us and his kids. He inherited 250,000 and didn’t give one penny to any of his kids.

I am sure when he dies his kids will get his estate.

You sound very bitter

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/04/2025 23:20

It’s not clear what you’re after. He has a low income from benefits and can’t have much in savings. Do you want him to sell his house and give you and/or the kids money? If it’s not that can you explain what you’re hoping for?

On the wider stuff, he’s not the reason you haven’t moved on. It sounds like you divorced him around a decade ago. It’s up to you to find ways to heal enough to find peace or acceptance. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow, do you want to spend your life in loathing and resentment? That’s not hurting him, it’s really hurting you and probably also your children. You can only change yourself.

caringcarer · 28/04/2025 23:40

Sorry you never moved on OP but if you were unhappy with settlement you should have raised it at the time. It's years too late now. I think you'd be happier if you stopped looking at what he has and focused on making a better life for yourself and moving on. I don't say this is easy because I took a long time to let go of my bitterness after my divorce. I've been so much happier since I let it go though. Now it doesn't bother me. I look at his life and mine and my life is far better.

BlondiePortz · 28/04/2025 23:53

TheQuickScroller · 28/04/2025 22:22

He is responsible for my mental health he was a horrible bully shouting and being abusive I had him removed by the police in the end and I had a nervous breakdown due to all the stress

That doesn't make you more entitled to money, you chose to stay with him i still don't get why you think you are entitled to it

TheQuickScroller · 29/04/2025 22:35

I don’t but my children are and why are you so rude ,

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TheQuickScroller · 29/04/2025 22:39

I am you don’t know the half of it , I really want to delete this post but can’t see how ,

OP posts:
Winter2020 · 29/04/2025 22:52

TheQuickScroller · 29/04/2025 22:39

I am you don’t know the half of it , I really want to delete this post but can’t see how ,

Click "report" on your own post and ask for the thread to be removed.

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