Stay in family home or new house?

[beanlowe]

My husband and I are divorcing. I will have custody of our 2 children 13 & 16. I would really like to downsize and have a new start but I don’t know if continuity is better for the kids. Does anyone have any experience if either and how it went? Thanks in advance x

There’s no such thing as custody and at those ages the children should be able to come and go flexibly

it depends on finances and whether you can afford to stay vs selling and freeing up cash, as well as emotional connections

your children will want to stay in the same place near school and friends at those ages

New to all this and the terminology - I should say, they will be living with me and seeing their dad flexibly some evenings and weekends.

I can afford either option to stay or downsize. I will be staying near school and friends. My question was around whether anyone had first hand experience of whether their own children wanted to stay in the family home or were excited for a new house. After the dust has settled.

The term is residency but I do understand. Kids often opt for continuity and avoid change. If you think you are likely to have to move/downsize soon then do it now as part of the divorce process as at least then the costs of selling will be split between you ans STBexH.

You need to ask them. You need to decide what you want in the long term as well.

Moving is stressful and laborious and it is expensive. So you all need to decide whether there is any value in going through that.

If it is a clean slate you want maybe just redecorate and revamp.

You would absolutely want to avoid a school move when they are preparing for exams. Otherwise it’s bricks and mortar. They will be moving many times in their life, this would be just one.

I've just done this, and although DS9 was initially very concerned about moving he told me yesterday that he absolutely loves our new place (which is much smaller and in a less-favoured area) and the new start it gives us.

Some of that undeniably comes from him seeing me happier and in "new chapter" mode, which was difficult at our old house due to location and the memories it held. But unexpectedly, somewhere without memories is also helping him, he's been able to reinvent himself a bit, and look forward to what we can have, rather than looking back at what we don't have any more.

He also had to move school which was another challenge for him, but if you're able to move house and have your kids' school and friends stay the same, that seems ideal...which is a bizarrely positive word for an outcome of divorce, but based on our experience, the combination of something new and exciting and something steady and the same should work well.

Divorce and house-moving have to be two of the most stressful things going, but if one is forcing the other on you, then I would grab the opportunity and get on with it. We couldn't be happier...and I couldn't have imagined saying that three years ago...the very best of luck to you @beanlowe

I kept family home for dc who were similar ages and did up their rooms with double beds etc but from teens they lived in their rooms and the communal space is really underused so I feel I have a lot of wasted space. I’ve found the house and garden maintenance of a larger home time consuming and expensive and if we hadn’t needed the location near school and bedroom space would have moved earlier to something that’s less work. I have limited free time and don’t want to spend this on chores and maintenance. I also spent way too much time giving them lifts as teens due to our location. As long as teen dc have a nice big bedroom and their tech I doubt they will mind. I haven’t noticed this being an issue with friends who moved after divorce. A friend ended up renting a city centre apartment with dc that age and they loved that. It can be really positive to have a new start. life as a single parent of teens is very different to what you need as a young family. I’ve found bedroom space is more important and often I’m the only one who uses the living space and garden.

Exactly that @myrtle70, the garden at our old place was large and needed a lot of work, plus it was somewhere off the beaten track - both things were wonderful when there were two parents to share the work, but when it was just me it was exhausting. A big part of my decision on location for the new place was to be somewhere that DS can use public transport when he's a bit older - there aren't loads of buses but there are some, which will really help both of us once he wants to be out with friends. His new room is smaller than the old one, but we've set another small room up as his "den" and he seems really happy with that. At the moment he'll still come downstairs and be sociable, but I can see the bedroom years starting before too long!

We moved into smaller place. Kids were fine and happy and the only thing they said to me was important was they didnt want to move away from where we lived. We moved less than half a mile so school and friends etc did not get impacted

I think kids.can adapt quite well. My ex kept the house and I'm so glad I chose to move. My kids love my new place, and I don't have to deal with all the memories. It's been a great refresh and new start.
I have friends who stayed in the home and wish they hadn't as it still feels like the house they created with their ex (even though they have fully redecorated)
As long as you are in the same area, same school etc, then a house move is more about what works for you.
Kids move all the time in the general population as people move. I think the impact is usually what else it has an affect on.

Thanks everyone, this is so helpful. I will downsize and stay near school and friends. The house is too much maintenance on my own and we don’t need the room. A fresh start will be good and hopefully the kids will appreciate it too in time. My brother is getting married at the end of May so I am keeping it to myself until after then so my family don’t have the day tarnished. The kids after GCSEs have finished. My husband has had loads of time to think and is wanting answers about all financial aspects (we have a family business too to sort) where I’m trying to think what is best for the kids / stop myself from collapsing in a heap and get my head around it all 😥🤯 Thanks for taking the time to message, really appreciate it 🙏🏻