Pros/Cons to waiting

[MidlifeWondering]

I’m interested in different viewpoints as it’s not really something I can discuss with friends/family.
I wonder if I’m overreacting and I’ll find the grass isn’t greener and I’d regret ending the marriage.
My husband and I have been together for 26 years, married for 20. We have 4 children, youngest is 10. I’m 46, he’s 50.
Our relationship has been sexless since our youngest was born and it’s been bothering me, but he’s not interested on working on it.
Just says his libido has gone and that’s it. I’ve suggested he gets a blood test to see if his testosterone etc is ok, he refuses. I’ve suggested counselling, he refuses. He sleeps in a separate room too as he’s an insomniac and any noise etc wakes him up.
i feel like we’re co-parenting housemates!
We get on well and have a happy family unit.
i don’t feel like I can stay in this relationship forever as it currently is, as intimacy is important to me. So far I’ve persevered as generally we’re content and the children are happy.
I recently suggested opening our marriage (mainly to see his reaction) he said he was ok with me getting my needs met elsewhere, but he wouldn’t be looking for sex outside our marriage. That’s kind of the final straw for me as it shows he’s got no intention of changing.
If I were to look at divorce, what are the pros/cons financially to doing it now vs waiting until my youngest is 18 in 8 years time? Or am I mad to break up a family for this reason?
Thanks in advance for any advice!

If you leave you are teaching your kids to be single and happy or potentially neet someone amd show a healthy relationship. Rather than teaching them that this relationship where you aren't happy is okay.
People to staying is seeing you kid everyday. I suppose financial security.

The children don’t think the marriage is unhappy. They know we have separate rooms but DH goes on about his lack of sleep so much they don’t question it.
To anyone else, we look perfectly happy. We get on well, have loads in common etc.
But there’s zero sex (or intimacy of any kind), we’re just great friends coparenting 😢
He’s not at all tactile, never hugs anyone (including me) through choice. If I go to hug him, he’ll briefly hug me back. Same with the kids.

It seems a bit unusual to have such little need for human touch. Is he neurodivergent?

If I were you, I’d have counselling on my own. It was very helpful and eye opening for me when I contemplated divorce.

It’s hard to tell without knowing more. For eg -
what would your and your kids financial situation look like if you divorced and split everything 50/50?

On the surface - other than the lack of sex you don’f seem deeply unhappy; and your home life seems happyish - doesn’t sound like there is tension and arguments, etc.

If sex is the only thing that is missing - and H is OK with you seeking it elsewhere - why not at least try that?

All you need is a good FWB - and there are a lot of options for that.

However, grass is really not much greener for the divorced mid-40s women looking for new relationships.. Pickings are slim and awful.
Most of my divorced friends will tell you lots
of funny horror stories about dating - men with all kinds of baggage; and all kinds of problems - with ED being quite common. That’s before we talk about i introducing them to kids or blending families….

So - as much as younger women on here would tell you that you deserve better, etc. - I’d say - divorce IF being on your own will
be a better place than being married. Don’t divorce to meet a better partner, because chances are - you won’t.
If all you are trying to solve is lack of sex - just solve that issue.

And finally - separately to the above. You need to accept the reality of your situation. Which you seem not to have, despite the fact that you’ve lived in it for 10 years.
Your H does not want to have sex, and does not want to ‘fix’ whatever issue that led to his loss of libido. Why are you clinging to the hope that he’d change his mind???? Why suggest open marriage ‘in hope’ that it’ll shake him to action????
You have not had sex with him for 10 years. Your next sexual experience will be with someone else. You just need to pick who the next guy will be.
It doesn’t have to be scary - it can be exciting
🤗🤗🤗🤗

He may well be, I’ve suggested it in the past. But in the same way he won’t look into his sleeping and libido issues, he’s not interested in getting advice on it.
If he is, he manages it well. High level job, he’s personable, maintains friendships well etc

He’s the main breadwinner, he earns around £100k. I earn £50k part time, but increase this to £65k if I upped my hours.
If we split everything 50/50, I’d get about £300k to start again.
There are no arguments or tension… if an argument looks like it’s brewing, he’ll just shut down or walk away.
But overall, it’s a happy home life.
I guess opening it up feels like a failure and I would feel like I’m cheating. Although it may be worth a try as a last ditch attempt.
I’m going to look into counselling for myself as I’ve been going round in circles with this for years.

@MidlifeWondering
Hopefully you can find counselling. And talk through your feelings on it all.

And also to see that there is no failure here. You are not responsible for his libido. The same way as he is not a reason you have yours. It is driven by biology, and can change over time.
Also - it is possible that he is neurodivergent, and maybe he saw it as procreational in his younger age, and once that was fulfilled, he didn’t see the need to do it. And even if he were diagnosed with ND - that would not change anything - as there is no ‘cure’.
He is who he is. Unfortunately it was revealed after 16 years of relationship and 4
kids.
(Complete speculation, of course - there are many other reasons it could have dropped)

Next - on the subject of cheating. It is not. Simply and plainly - in your situation, where there one spouse has no libido and agreed for the other to go outside the marriage - there is NO cheating, which is defined as lying and doing it behind your spouse’s back.

It is too bad you spent years going around it, and not being able to do something. It’d been better if he told you his side of it all - if he even knew. But it’s possible he doesn’t.

At 46 - no one knows how long your own libido would even last - many women lose it after menopause. So - personally, I’d act on it now and see how it goes.

Sex is not the only purpose of marriage. Many people exist without it. It’s a need that can be met elsewhere, for as long as it exists.
And if you happen to meet someone you’d want a relationship with - that would be your clue, and you’ll know what to do.

I would split now. You have income and presumably decent equity and pension provision. You will be wasting years when you could rebuild your future as a single person or in a relationship.

If you stay you absolutely need to make that decision for you and to own your decision. Don’t make it for him or the children. It is your choice to stay like it is your choice to go. In other words don’t stay for the children and don’t stay because he will change. Stay because you have decided it is right for you.

To those who say ‘just get sex elsewhere’ - it’s just not that simple for women. We want closeness with our partner, not meaningless sex.

To those who say the prospects are bleak for finding new partner after separation - that’s not my experience aged 45. I’ve had a new lease of life.

Personally, I think prolonging it and thinking you can wait this out whilst potentially find intimacy elsewhere - this is a disaster waiting to happen. The likelihood that you will develop feelings for the person you have sex with is high because you will be flooded by a hormone called Oxytocin. The split then becomes all kinds of traumatic when you ‘leave for the other man’ and any new relationship formed in these circumstances will be tarnished.

My advice would be to live your life now. This is not about getting your leg over - it’s about your worth as a partner and as a woman. You’re worth more than what you have now. You are also teaching your children some bad habits when it comes to relationships.

@Mumof3confused

I don't know where you are dating - but here in London, none of my friends who divorced in mid-40s were successful in meeting new long term partners who were an improvement over their imperfect exHs...
And MN in general agrees that dating is really hard in 45+ age group. Unless you want to date 60yos...

On the apps - many 50yo men seem to prefer 35-40yo women. And then many, who have been divorced themselves - seem to not particularly want a relationship. Or have complex situations with their exes and kids.
All of this is saying - grass is not greener, necessarily.

I am not saying OP needs to stay or leave. I am just saying - that to me, leaving only because of sex, if the rest of relationship is working well, is hard to justify.
OP has been with her H since she was 20. She hasn't had much experience dating, or being in relationships with anyone else. By mid/late forties people are quite set in their ways - so finding someone you are compatible with on a daily life/household level is not all that easy.
OP's H seems well housebroken. And she does not sound depressed or broken given the state of her relationship. And there are 4 children, who don't have any idea that their parents are not fully happy.

Why give this all up without at least trying the open marriage OP's H has agreed to? Sure - there is a risk of potential emotional attachment - but OP is not a teenager to just lose her head over a guy she has sex with, certainly not right away.

Not all women have the same attitude to sex. And sex can be quite enjoyable in a FWB arrangement. This is, of course, not something OP has ever experienced - but there is a first time for anything.

Housebroken 😂
We live very well together, like very friendly housemates.
I think that’s why I’ve struggled, upsetting the very comfortable status quo.
I think the open marriage idea on paper solves the issue, but I worry it could open a can of worms.
I do believe in fidelity in marriage (ideally!) but it may be worth considering if it’s that or ending the marriage.
Thanks for your thoughts, lots to think about. I’ve started researching counsellors.

@MidlifeWondering
Marriages come in all kinds of shapes and forms. And marriage is so much more that sex anyway. You are life partners and parents - which is so much more important, in my opinion.