Worry/guilt about leaving the marital home in a state

[DaisyBloo]

I’ll be the one leaving the marital home and setting up in a new house. It’ll be therapeutic to start from scratch again and make the house completely my own however I’m very aware of how much of a mess the family home is -

Every cupboard is full to bursting with clutter, our children’s bedrooms are full of stuff and messy, our bedroom is again full of clutter and the whole house really needs a massive deep clean. I’ll be starting from scratch and leaving all furniture in the marital home. We’ve even got a shed in the garden that’s full to the top with old toys and junk. While it will be refreshing to be in a lovely tidy place and to leave the clutter behind I feel like I can’t truly leave it all to my ex to sort through (he won’t!)

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Ideally I’ll go back every so often and go through stuff but he may well not allow me access or be very difficult.

hmmm i don’t think it’s up to you to sort it all or clean!

maybe you could just tackle your own stuff? And get rid of things you don’t need!

are the children coming with you or staying there?

maybe do their room with them as well

id leave the shed and anywhere else tbh - not your house, not your problem.

I’m the primary carer so the children will stay with ex around 2 nights per week. Our oldest might want to stay a bit more as the marital home is closer to his friends.

I just feel guilty to leave it in a mess and ex isn’t the type to do much around the house, I fear it’ll fall into even more disrepair. I’m busy decluttering and cleaning before I go but there’s only so much I can do. There’s years and years worth of stuff to go through. My children’s rooms will mostly remain the same and I’ll take a few items with me but not piles of clutter! It’ll be up to my oldest to decide what he brings along and what stays - he’s got enough stuff to fill two rooms lol.

I think you’ve got to let go, OP. However much sorting you do, how it remains depends on the care your ex puts in. You might suggest he gets a cleaner if you suspect it won’t be nice for the children to visit.

If you've got time, and a few hundred quid, get in a decluttering firm. I used one a few years ago to get back on top of stuff after a few years of crap, and it was transformative.

Some will even suggest companies who will sell your unwanted things, so you will make some money back.

Literally life changing. Try it op, it'll be good for your soul during such a shitty time.

Oh that’s actually a great idea! Thank you.

Tbh I think it is a bit a of shitty thing to do. I would spend a weekend or two emptying it all into bin bags for charity shops and tip. And then it’s done. Then you won’t feel the guilt?

I did this but I didn’t mean to! I left with a couple of bags of stuff quite quickly as soon as the first Lockdown was lifted. I naively assumed exH wouldn’t exclude me completely from the family home as I planned for the kids to go back and forth between us. I hadn’t accounted for a combo of Covid and him being a vindictive arsehole so I was never allowed back in.

Eventually the house had to be sold - took over a year and during that time I offered to help him clear it, let him keep all the contents and any money he might get from selling our stuff. He refused, claimed every bit of our joint belongings (including my jewellery/wedding and engagement rings). He got his friend to dump some boxes outside my flat of what he said was my stuff which were in fact rubbish. Then, the day the sale completed, he tried to get to conveyancer to deduct the cost of two skips from my half of the proceeds of sale. In the end the buyers claimed back money from him because they had to get someone to clear out all the crap he left.

I have no regrets and say you shouldn’t either!